Warning this post may contain content which some people might find triggering
Post-natal depression affects many women (and sometimes men) after the birth of their child. It can happen after you first child, or even your sixth and it dosent discriminate. Anyone can be affected, and it can hit you even if you have never suffered from depression or any other mental-health issue before. Statistics show that around 15% of women will suffer from some form of “disorder” after their child has been born, but this figure can without a doubt be questioned, as many women don’t reveal to anyone how they are feeling, resulting in them suffering in silence.
When you give birth and are first handed your baby, you are expected to feel overwhelmed with joy and happiness. You are conditioned to believe that this is how you are meant to feel and it is often what we expect, especially as first-time mums. Sometimes, when we give birth and we don’t feel these feelings, and instead are hit with anxiety, fear, worry, doubt, we are lead to believe that this is “not normal” so instead, we question ourselves and even our love for our new baby. Just let me tell you now, these feelings ARE normal. It does not define who you are as a mother and it certainly does not mean you are crazy or weird. These feelings that can be experienced after birth are often kept on the quiet and are rarely discussed. Little amount of women will admit that they felt this way and they suffer in silence, living a constant battle in their minds.
Sometimes, this can occur weeks after you have welcomed your baby. Sometimes you can feel the joy and happiness instantly (as we are expected too) and then weeks after the adrenaline has gone and hormones have began to settle, you start to experience a “come down”. Time is non-existent when it comes to post-natal depression and often, mums struggle to understand what is happening to them if they are feeling down or low after or before the given time period that health professionals consider you to be suffering from post-natal depression.
The truth about post-natal depression is that it can be covered up well. We can fill out those mood questionnaires, put a smile on our faces, tell everyone that we are doing “just amazing” whilst at the same time, inside, we are crumbling, doubting ourselves, questioning our love for our babies and our sanity. You can walk anywhere and see a mum with nice clothes, nice hair, nice makeup and presume she is well and mastering the art of parenting, however, you never know how she is truly feeling. How she may go home and just crumble, wondering what it is she is doing wrong. Why she looks at her baby and instead of being overwhelmed with love and happiness, she is faced with extreme anxiety and a mind full of dark thoughts which she wouldn’t reveal to anybody.
Dark thoughts often accompany post-natal depression and can be a variety of taboo subjects. Women who are suffering often have dark visions in their minds of something happening to their baby- accidental or on purpose. This can also occur in new dads, but this is even more rarely discussed than post-natal depression in women. Theses thoughts can start to consume the mind day in and day out, often causing problems with bonding with our babies because we are so filled up with fear. The thoughts can become obsessive and very frightening and make you question who you are as a person. Truth is, they are just thoughts and completely harmless, they ring no truth what so ever into who we truly are and who we are as a mum. Once this is established, we can start to know and understand that what we are feeling is normal and it does not mean that we are a “bad” mum. Parents who are experiencing these dark thoughts are also reluctant to tell anyone, in fears that you may get taken away for being declared “mad” or worse, your baby being taken away from you. Truth is, this is really not the case and the best thing you can do is tell someone so you can start to understand that you are normal and your doing the best you can under the circumstances.
Post-natal depression is something that I suffered from with my eldest son. I didn’t tell anybody and I suffered alone. It was covered up well and nobody could tell and it wasn’t until my son was aged 2 and a half that I finally decided to open up and get help. When I was first handed my baby, I will admit that I did not feel the instant “bond”, instead I was scared, anxious, worried and thought to myself “what have I done?”. I was only 17, and I was still a child myself. In time, the bond did come, but I did struggle. I had a lot of support around me (luckily) and in time, I did get the bond but it wasn’t instant and because of that, I felt like I wasn’t meant to be a mum. When I found out I was pregnant with my youngest son, I felt extremely anxious and worried that I would suffer again, but this time, I promised myself that if I did feel like this again, I would open up and be honest with myself and other people. Luckily, I have had a whole different experience with my youngest and I really did experience those overwhelming feelings of love and joy when he was born. So please don’t let past-experiences affect your future decisions of having more children.
So, if you have a baby and are faced with all of these feelings, don’t feel ashamed and don’t be alarmed. Many new mums experience these without even having post-natal depression. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t feel bonded to your baby instantly, that’s normal too. Don’t let what you see in the media, movies, pregnancy books, what you hear from other mum’s make you feel bad about your OWN experiences after having a baby. Don’t feel bad if you look at your newborn and think “shit, I am responsible for this tiny baby for the rest of my life!” and then are flooded with the worst emotions unimaginable. Don’t feel like your failing if you get home and start to wonder if you made a mistake and if you can truly do this. Don’t feel bad if you feel like running out the door and never coming back because you feel as though you can’t face the responsibilities that have suddenly been thrown your way. Having a baby is the most physically and emotionally draining thing you can and every will go through in your life. It really does change your life forever in good ways (and sorry to admit bad!). But once you get into the swing of things and you begin to accept what is, then you will find that things get a lot easier.
If you don’t feel comfortable telling a health professional how your feeling then that’s OK, I didn’t. If you feel more comfortable telling someone who you know cares then that’s OK too. Just know that your not alone, even if it feels like it. You will get where you want to be eventually, just accept that it’s normal and it can and will be overcome. You are a good mum, you are doing an amazing job and time is a great healer so allow it to be. Don’t try and rush yourself to feel better and to feel what you think you should be feeling. Everyone is different, and everyone has their own experiences. Your doing your best and that’s all that matters.
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