I remember when I first held you in my arms. I remember it like it was yesterday even though it was over five years ago. You shocked me and I shocked myself. I didn't expect the feelings to rush over me as fast as they did and I didn't expect to feel numb, anxious and alone.
I was terrified of you, although you were so small and vulnerable. Your feet and hands so delicate, I was twice the size of you. But this was what scared me. I was to be responsible for you for the rest of my life, something I knew beforehand, but it only hit me once you arrived.
I was expected to feel differently with you. I remembered all the movies I watched, all the books I read and scenes from TV shows which played in my head on a loop. I punished myself because I believed I was punishing you. Why did I not shed tears of happiness? Why did I not feel that instant love? Why was fear, anxiety, resentment and every other possible negative emotion overtaking my mind instead of experiencing feelings of euphoria when I held you for the first time?
I was stunned, I wanted to run. I felt like I had made a mistake, I felt like I didn't deserve to be your mother. I didn't dare say a word in fears they would take you away. I was embarrassed that I didn't have an instant bond with you which made me question who I was as a person.
What sort of mother doesn't bond with her child instantly?
Now I look back and I understand why. I no longer feel ashamed or guilty. My love for you is undeniably strong and unbreakable. At the time, I was young, scared, alone and afraid. Although I had so much external support around me, internally I felt defeated.
Now as you are older, I've learnt that everything I felt was normal. I sometimes hold you at night when you have fallen asleep and still ask myself why? Why did I feel so bad when I first held you in my arms? I still feel guilty about it now sometimes.
The truth is, it's ok to not bond with your baby instantly. As women, there is a huge amount of pressure by the media, friends, health professionals etc to make us feel like when we give birth and hold our baby for the first time that it has to be the best time. That is so untrue.
We have just gone through a life-changing process mentally and physically and sometimes joy is not the first emotion we feel. But THAT'S OK. Don't be tricked into feeling that it's as simple as pushing out a baby and then feeling on top of the world in an instant. If you do experience that, then that's amazing. But if you don't, don't ever beat yourself up about it like I did