We could write several articles about all the gruesome stuff that's in the Bible -- in fact, we already have. It's a book full of gore, incest, and parables about loving one another. Can you imagine how gross or terrifying a Biblical story would have to be for the early church to go "Dear God, no, leave that one out"? The good news is that you don't have to imagine, because we're about to tell you! The bad news is that you might need a shower after this.
01
Mary's Vagina Burns A Midwife's Hand Off
Every year, yards across the world sprout wholesome nativity scenes depicting Jesus, his mom Mary, and his stepdad Joe. Had one pope not kept the "Protoevangelium of James" out of the Bible, those scenes would also include an incinerator vagina and teleporting baby, and nativity plays would have a much higher attendance.
This little piece of apocrypha was written around the year 150, and it provides the graphic clarity about the Virgin Mother's genitals that absolutely on one was asking for. After Mary goes into labor, Joseph finds her a midwife. However, the midwife proves redundant, since little Jesus is born via a bright cloud and a flash of light -- he just shows up in Mary's arms, meaning that he never travels down the birthing canal. The midwife then leaves and tells another woman named Salome about the wacky shit she saw. Salome is somehow skeptical of this tale and, being a reasonable woman, decides to test its veracity by sticking her finger in Mary.
Mary seems fine with that, immediately "position[ing] herself" for the inspection. As soon she enters Mary, however, Salome cries out: "Woe for my lawlessness and the unbelief that made me test the living God. Look, my hand is falling away from me and being consumed in fire." (That probably needs more exclamation marks.) Luckily, an angel shows up and tells Salome to touch Baby Jesus for a brand-new hand, free of charge.
02
God Curses Judas With A Massive Exploding Penis (And Rest Of His Body)
After the dude betrayed God's son for 30 pieces of silver, naturally the Bible couldn't simply say "And then Judas went on to have a reasonably normal life, and nothing horrible happened to him." The exact method of his death is disputed, though. The Book of Matthew says that he threw away his payment and hung himself out of regret, while Acts says that he used the money to buy a field, but then fell over like a dumbass and "his body burst open and all his intestines spilled out." But why did he burst so easily? Because, according to another book, Judas' whole body had swelled up like a horrible, sausage-filled balloon.
According to a lost book by the early Bishop Papias (which only survives through an extract in a later work), Judas started to bloat after betraying Jesus, to the point that he soon couldn't fit through a gate wide enough for chariots. Either God decided to work some Old Testament magic on the guy, or the anxiety of selling Jesus out led to some extreme overeating. And it got worse -- Papias adds that Judas's eyes sank so deeply into his swollen face that doctors couldn't find them with special magnifying equipment. But we know what you're wondering: What about his penis? Oh, don't get Papias started on his penis, which was "more repulsive and larger than any such disgraceful member." No matter how many times you hear that one, it always stings.
As if that wasn't enough, Papias takes time to add that "bloody discharge and maggots poured from all over his body, which caused injury whenever he attended to his bodily needs." If we're reading that correctly, Judas had problems wiping because of all the ass maggots. Which adds up, since when he died, his burial plot supposedly stank so badly that nobody could stand to be near it. And that's why, as the old proverb says, you don't fuck with the Jesus.
03
Jesus Makes Mary Magdalene Watch Him Have Some Freaky Sex (Warning: Gross)
One of the early competitors with the Catholic Church was Gnosticism, which held that the material world was oppressive and could be transcended by, like, acquiring secret knowledge, man. And how did one acquire this knowledge? Why, in some cases, by drinking cum.
To be fair, we're only talking a group within the Gnostics called the Borborites, who held that the true Eucharist was the ritual consumption of semen and menstrual fluid. They justified this with a book called the Greater Questions of Mary, which featured Jesus taking Mary Magdalene up a mountain and making her watch while he had sex with a woman he pulled out of his side (a neat parlor trick his family can do). At the end of the weird mountain sex show, Jesus gathered and ate his own, uh, "emission." It says that "Mary was alarmed" and fell on her butt due to the shock -- which makes more sense when you remember she wasn't really a prostitute and didn't see this shit every day.
According to Christian writer Epiphanius (who repeatedly emphasized that he totally wasn't with these guys), the Borborites recognized each other with a sweet secret handshake and then immediately started banging left and right. Once everyone was good and riled up, "the woman and man receive the man's emission on their own hands ... and then they eat it, partaking of their own dirt, and say, 'This is the body of Christ' ... They likewise take the unclean menstrual blood ... and eat it in common. And 'This,' they say, 'is the blood of Christ.'" So hopefully they kept breath mints on hand. The sect failed to catch on, but it's interesting to think how different the world might be if they had.