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Just got back! I came back from the F___ F___ Club. It was funny .
When I went to see the C________ Psychiatric Nurse for my depot injection there was a student there. And they were both pulling funny faces at me. They do this to provoke a reaction out of me to assess my mental state.
The medical and nursing staff that go on to do the psychiatric training consider themselves to be the elite at the top. They are like intelligence people. They have a quite good understanding of me as far as I know as I have been thoroughly examined by them. And they seem to let me do what I want but I must keep taking the tablets and depot injections.
Within days my mental state would go downhill and I would start falling out with people. This happened last time I tried to stop taking the medicines. Then I would begin to go into my own non reality and Adolf Hitler would appear telling me to kill myself. That is very frightening and I don't want that happening. It's caused by defective brain chemistry which the medicines correct. And I know there is something wrong with my brain but can't do anything about it apart from taking the medicines.
As time has gone on the medicines have become better and that has made a big difference. But it is expected from me by the hospital to use as much willpower as possible to control my schizophrenia. And as I get older I am expected to know how to do this.
In 1997 A__ J_____ was found hanged dead in the showers in ward four (the punishment ward). She was very likeable but they were quite wicked to her. And the fact that the medicines then were shit didn't help much. We shared a mental state together when we were both in at the same time. Now she's just another suicide statistic.
My intention is to stay alive and live life to the full with what life I have left.
And you have to stay alive too. It applies to you that you stay alive and live life to the full with what you have left. Make the right decisions so that your life gets better. And I don't want to hear any stories about you taking an overdose. It's up to you to have good ideas and not end up as yet another suicide statistic.
About smoking the dope. It's written down in the lease that I can't smoke it at my new address as well as not allowed to have drinking. Because I don't want to lose this tenancy (and it's fucking great) I have to stick to this. So I will have to get a bit and smoke it away from the flat which probably would be alright. What I could do is take a walk down the beach or somewhere else where I wouldn't get into trouble.
Twenty years ago, before the modern medicines, I was in a right chaotic state.
Twenty years ago when I was in the hospital I would visit P_____ in ward five. One time P_____ got an injection of haloperidol and he lay on a couch talking shit all day. But he seemed happy enough while he was well doped up. They use to dope me up a lot too as this made me easier to deal with as I was always working against the people in charge and basically sticking the fingers up at authority. Like Welcome to the S_____ Hotel.
Twenty years ago I was drinking three bottles of sherry per day. And that kept getting me into trouble and torturing me more. Now I am free from all that (no drinking for five and a half years). There is to be no drinking at number twenty. It's written into the lease. Nobody gets in here that's been drinking and I don't get chucked out.
The place is a bit chaotic as I still have to put away my belongings. But it's great living here and much better than the caravan.
At the moment I am taking a break from the smoke. The landlord could turn up at any time. A pain in the butt is not in my plans! _____________________________________
I felt frustrated, I was not making any progress with my guitar. I don't have much time so I need to know exactly what to play each time I pick it up. This cheat sheet has helped me a lot! I now feel like I'm making real progress and I'm finally motivated to practice.
The solid does seem to improve me in a way that makes my mental state happier.
And the people at the hospital don't seem to mind. But if I was taking heroin or cocaine or acid I think that they would do something about it. They asked me if I wanted to stop smoking joints and I said that I didn't and that's all that was said about it. Today I should be getting some solid and I am looking forward to it as I've had none for over a week.
For weeks now i have been hearing like a bomb explosion or bang in my head as I am trying to sleep . . . it makes me jump out my skin & get a pain in the chest and see a flash too although my eyes were closed, my heart is going ten to the dozen.
I don't have to live in my car now. The car became too expensive as I have to use some of my social security money to pay for the rent. As I sold the car I am not into the idea of waiting for a bus on a cold day. But I am in a central location near to shops and so don’t need the car unlike at the caravan.
Scottish Power have started being a right cunt about it so I have cancelled the gas and electricity application. I will have to find another energy supplier. G_____ has been shouting his head off about it when I was on the phone to them! Some poor cunt had to listen to G_____ in the background!
Today I practised German for about an hour. It's easier to go back to now that I have an address. All you have to do is concentrate and try. What I was thinking was that if my generous disability benefits stopped (and that could happen and I have to find work). Then if I could speak German that could make me more employable and work in tourism. The Germans love coming to Scotland and this town is an international place. Also you see a lot of German bikers come here too. This is me thinking and planning ahead.
If you can read and write and do arithmetic. Then you can do a lot of things. You can learn from books.
And it's not always the case that you can be too old for the labour market. If you can do a job that they want done sometimes they take older blokes on. And in some cases they prefer an older bloke. For example, let’s say in a year from now I can speak enough German (assuming I have stuck to my plan) to help German speaking tourists. The tourists might not want some young bloke. They might prefer a man with a bit of more experience that's a bit older. You have to adjust to the labour market. And stay positive and driven.
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When I took a walk along the Lade Braes to see the landlord a couple of days ago, I felt as if I was in paradise.
You have to come up with a plan to make life better not only for yourself but for others too. Where do you want to be in five years from now? Or one year from now? Or six months from now? Surely not doing the same old thing. That would be dull and boring. You should be able to do this if you have a good imagination to help you think up ideas for the future. And I am sure you have a good imagination as both of us know that if you have taken magic mushrooms in the past this can make your mind more colourful!
Today I studied German for an hour as planned. Good progress was made. And I got a letter from my lady friend which was good to read. Somebody tried to phone me from the E___ N___, I think it might have been my wife trying to get in contact with me. But I am not interested in her. She has caused me too many problems that I don't want to go back to. The letter from my lady friend was good to read and she is the one that I am interested in. Later on I'll do some bass practice and there's a few other things that I have to do today.
At first I tried to keep quiet about my lady friend. But a letter from her to me got sent to the wrong address and opened. Now that all of Scotland has read my private letter, everybody knows. At first I didn't think that I had a chance with this woman, but I'm thinking differently now.
All during the early hours this morning I have been busy. But now I have sent my letter to my lady friend at the Post Office first class recorded delivery. Five minutes ago I took Friday night's tranquillizers and will sleep all day.
A few nights ago there was a clear sky and I looked at Jupiter above the South Eastern horizon through one of my telescopes on the balcony. As the balcony is South facing it's ideal for looking at the planets. And I had no problems with light pollution.
It's Saturday night and I am having a party with no joints and certainly not any booze. And I am quite content building my model of the Solar System on my bed listening to the radio.
At the moment G_____ is here as his wife got drunk and chucked him out last night (yet again). It's like this place is a husbands' refuge.
My lady friend that I have met. I'm crazy about her. She really does it for me. We've been sending letters to each other and I am going to visit her as soon as I get the money together. It's put a bit of magic into my life.
Now I am about to take a handful of tranquillizers.
After dropping a 2mm grub screw on the bed covers I thought I had lost it. It was an essential component and the Solar Orrery wouldn't work without it. So I searched very carefully and found it. Now I am working on the Saturn part of the mechanism.
All during the early hours this morning I have been busy. But now I have sent my letter to my lady friend at the Post Office first class recorded delivery. Five minutes ago I took Friday night's tranquilizers and will sleep all day.
If you took all the information from every person and put it in one place and measured it. Then it would be next to nothing (and perhaps be too small to measure) compared to what is there in the Universe.
And as a young man. What did I know? Not very much. Still I don't know much.
TO BE CONTINUED