Gohba sat down and ordered a beer. "So there was this bloke Con..." Gohba said, and started to tell them the story of his adventure on Crete when Lord Bmj burst through the door and made his way over to them at the bar.
And then before Lord Bmj could say, well, anything really, Sir Knight's apparition reappeared in his glorious white cloak.
Addressing the four Steemlords at the bar, he said:
Hence forth you shall be known as ‘The A Team.’
You are instructed to travel through Forlindon to the Blue Mountains of Fred Luin (Lune).
Leave thy horses and climb that there mountain. Find thee the entrance into the Goblin Cave of Lune. You must take procession of the 'Goblin Sextant'. You will find it in the Throne Room of Goblin King Fred. Then leave via the East passages.
Continue across the Hills of Evendim and through Arnor then find the East Road to the Mirkwood. Watch out for Trolls in the Misty Mountains.
Everyone looked at each other.
Finally Gohba broke the silence.
“So should we go now or have I got time for another beer?”
"Um," said BattleWom sensing an opportunity. "My shout."
"Free drinks!!!! Yay! Make mine an ale!" said Gohba.
"Whiskey for me," said Lord Bmj. "Ta."
"I'll have a mead, thanks BattleWom," said Chooxena.
BattleWom nodded to his new companions. His steely gaze taking in first one, then another. "And I'll have a strawberry daiquiri," he said at last to the barkeep.
"Right you are, Steemlord Clusterfuckius."
"So, anyway, there was this bloke Con..." Gohba said as the drinks appeared, and he started once again to tell them the story of his adventure on Crete when a large fellow in leathers, with long blond hair and the air of someone who not too long before had just sniked a dragon's head clean off at the top of its neck, swaggered to the bar.
"Nice dog," he said.
BattleWom's steely eyes flashed under the red lashes. "Grrrrrwom..." he said.
Chooxena looked appreciatively at the man, but said, "This is the great Steemlord BattleWom, and you are interrupting. Pray continue, Lord Bmj."
"Right, so there was this bloke Con..." Gohba said.
"Never heard of him," said the mysterious interloper.
"That's 'cause you keep interrupting you bloody pillock," said Gohba. "Anyway. So there was this bloke Con..."
The man bunched his fist into what looked like a mace made of flesh, muscle and bone, and smashed Gohba the loyal blacksmith fair in the gob.
"Now how's he gonna finish the story?" asked Lord Bmj and smashed his tankard into side of the interloper's head.
Suddenly drinks and fists were flying randomly across the room, and everyone seemed to be hitting everyone else.
BattleWom carefully sipped the last of his daiquiri. "Let's blow this joint," he said.
〰️➰〰️
"Shhh," said Lord Bmj.
"M'no sayin' anyfing," said Gohba.
Lord Bmj gestured through the trees. Another goblin raiding party. This one with an ogre.
"This is getting tedious," Bmj said.
"Well, the more of them out here, the less of them up there," said Chooxena Vegan Warrior Princess gesturing ahead to the looming Lune Mountain.
"True dat," said Gohba.
They continued up the side of the mountain until dusk, when they made camp. "I'm going for a scout," said BattleWom and disappeared into the trees.
〰️➰〰️
BattleWom crept through the trees. Camped in front of the entrance to the Goblin Cave of Lune was, unsurprisingly, a small host of goblins. BattleWom made a quick count, then disappeared back into the trees.
〰️➰〰️
"There are guards. But only a couple. And only goblins," said BattleWom the next morning as they neared the cave entrance.
Lord Bmj crept to the edge of the trees and looked down into the valley. "Only goblins. And a couple of ogres."
"Ahh."
Said Chooxena.
"And there's at least a score," said Bmj.
"Ahh."
Said BattleWom.
"And they smell disgusting," said Bmj.
"Aww, my mouf hurts."
Said Gohba. "And I want to hit somefing."
"Easy peasy," said BattleWom. "On my signal, attack," and suddenly his forelegs began gyrating. Before anyone could blink, he had disappeared into the neat hole he had created moments before.
"What do you think the signal will be?" asked Chooxena as she drew her sword.
Suddenly the earth burst open under one of the Ogres and it fell under a blur of dirt, limbs and red makeup.
"Forget it," she said, and suddenly the were all charging the panicking guards.
Chooxena went left. An ogre, confused and stumbling backward from the fray, was hamstrung and howling before it knew what was happening. She dispatched it on the way through and proceeded to engage a group of goblins who were only now drawing their swords.
Lord Bmj went right, his sword sweeping through the ranks of a tight knot of goblins. Three fell before the fourth sliced the length of Bmj's left arm. It's grin exposed yellow teeth and horrid breath, but it was celebrating too soon. Bmj's hilt smashed into the teeth, ruining their filed 'homeless-man' chic, and then his dagger eviscerated the goblin's stomach.
Meanwhile, Gohba howled loudly as he ran straight down the middle to join BattleWom's carnage. The two fought side by side and goblins fell in two's and threes. Then, from behind them, came a devestating blow, throwing Gohba sideways into BattleWom which sent them both tumbling, stunned across the dirt.
The ogre advanced on them, its mighty club swinging, and suddenly Chooxena was there, sword flashing. The club went flying as the brute went done, clutching its bleeding groin.
And then, as quickly as it had began, it was over.
The heroes looked from one to the other, each making sure their companions were all right. Then, after dispatching the wounded goblins, the only sound was their heavy breathing.
"Good signal," said Chooxena to BattleWom. "Come on, we need to keep moving. Let's find that sexytent or whatever it is."
So after patching up some minor wounds, the A Team made its way guardedly into the cave.
To be continued...
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