BattleWom was livid.
You bet you are!
You bet I am!
Where had he heard that before? It had never made sense until his whole body was stuck in a loop of inescapable frustration and anger caused by his own stupidity.
All because ChooXena was like a medusa - she could not be looked upon by mere mortal Woms on pain of... well, pain. But lots of pain. Lots and lots.
So because of that, BattleWom had donned the Hat of Obfuscation.
But if it wasn't for the Hat of Obfuscation he would have seen the troll coming, and he could still be safely not seeing ChooXena thanks to the Hat of Obfuscation. But thanks to the Hat of Obfuscation he had not seen the troll coming, and if he had taken it off, he could still be safely not seeing her, because of the Hat of Obfuscation...
BattleWom gave himself a full body shake. And now she's gone. Captured by the troll. And hopefully not being tortured slowly.
BattleWom shook himself again. Wow - this level if incompetency was truly dangerous. He snapped himself out of it.
"We have to save her! You know what trolls eat? They eat people. People like ChooXena!"
Suddenly BattleWom was a BabyWom again. And his mum was showing him how to eat carrots. "Wom!" said BabyWom. "Wom, Wom, Wom!!!
"You wait until you taste strawberries!" she had said. And then his mum was gone and all their stuff was gone too. And he was looking once again at the dark shadow that had killed her, with evil red shining pimples shining on its bottom and a huge roar echoing through the night.
I will be a BattleWom. I will be a BattleWom! I WILL BE A BATTLEWOM!
Suddenly he jumped up and placed the Hat of Obfuscation over the Helm of Beatrice. Because two hats are better than one!
His noggin of destiny equiped, he sneezed the mud from his nostrils and sniffed. He could smell ChooXena. Pew! He could smell Gobha and Lord Bmj too. Stinky! Now he remembered why he kept a fresh supply of mud up his schnoz.
Forgetting the others, BattleWom dug. Never had the world seen such digging. The heat from BattleWom's paws gave the tunnel behind him a smooth, glassy sheen: but BattleWom didn't care. He kept digging, to get away from the smell behind him - and to find ChooXena.
He could smell the troll now, too. It smelt of earth. Maybe these creatures turned to stone in sunlight because they were made of earth - earth was their natural state! The thought gave BattleWom an idea. A good kind of idea. A good kind of digging idea - which was the best kind of idea of all.
He dug until he could smell ChooXena beneath him. And the troll was...
BattleWom burst through the top of the tunnel, directly onto the trolls head, but he kept digging. Bits of troll went flying as BatttleWom tunnelled into the head, squeezed through the neck and in a digging-frenzy burrowed down, down down though the stomach and out from between the troll's legs.
"Ewwww," said ChooXena. "Um hello BattleWom. Took you so long?"
BattleWom spat bits of troll from his mouth. "Mmmm, earthy.." he said. He looked up directly into where ChooXena Vegan Warrior Princess's eyes would be were it not for the Hat of Obfuscation.
"Sup, ChooXena?" he said in the most coolest way any Wom had ever said anything.
Suddenly BattleWom felt hands on his shoulders, shaking him.
It was Lord Bmj. He was back on the troll's bridge.
"Hey, BattleWom. You coming? Enough with the "You bet you am" crap! Let's go rescue ChooXena!"
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