Who's ready for episode ten of the Steem Monsters Tavern?!
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THE STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN
Episode 10 - "Battle Boo-Boos"
by Chris Roberts
CHARACTERS
NARRATOR - Beginning and Ending only.
GOBLIN SORCERER - The Bartender.
COCKATRICE - Expressive, but can’t make intelligible sounds
PEACEBRINGER - Tries his darndest to bring the peace.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT - Looks and talks like a woman, but is actually genderless.
LORD OF DARKNESS - The most badass death card, among other stuff.
DARTH BETA - The beta version of the Lord of Darkness.
MEDUSA - A Gorgon who turns people to stone without her sunglasses.
MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID - Trying to be a good friend.
SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG
NARRATOR
In the Steem Monsters Tavern, the monsters are aching, groaning and putting their hooves up. The Frozen Soldier’s shield has worn down to nearly a nub, as the Darth Beta, the Beta Lord of Darkness, hurriedly assembles ice packs for the sore monsters. Luckily, even with all the endless summoning and battling, there have been no fatalities. Still, all that teleporting and battling sure takes it out of them; they need a place to relax and kick back a few, and those are just the luxuries they can enjoy down in the tavern. So come on in, have an endless beer and stay awhile, in the Steem Monsters Tavern!
ENTER GOBLIN SORCERER, COCKATRICE
GOBLIN SORCERER
Alright, who left this Cockatrice here?
COCKATRICE
Ba-cawwwk!
GOBLIN SORCERER
Where did this thing even come from? Shoo!
ENTER PEACEBRINGER
PEACEBRINGER
You had better not hurt that poor, defenseless creature! For it is one of Khymia’s creations, and for any harm you bring to it, you must answer to me, for I am the Peacebringer.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Peace me to death?
PEACEBRINGER
I shall lash you with words and attack you with untruths… Dammit! I’ve said too much; I really should stop hanging out with the Defender of Truth. I’m learning bad habits from him.
GOBLIN SORCERER
What a tool. Back to this stupid chicken thing.
COCKATRICE
Ber-Cawwwwwwkkk!!
SOUND FX - WHOOSH (missed swing)
GOBLIN SORCERER
How irritating! I try to smack the thing and it just kind of flutters away. Stupid chicken! You know I can shoot fireballs, right?
COCKATRICE
Ba-cawwwwk!
ENTER ELVEN CUTTHROAT
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Maybe if you gave it a cracker or something…
GOBLIN SORCERER
No, no, I already tried that. He just made a mess of the cracker all over the bar… then he pooped on my floor.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Annoying as it may be, that Cockatrice thing is a formidable opponent in battle.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Maybe for you. My magic attacks get him every time. Wait, who the hell are you?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Apologies. I’m the Elven Cutthroat.
GOBLIN SORCERER
How’d you end up with a name like that?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
How else? Cutting throats.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Well you don’t seem like a throat cutter to me. Pretty little thing like you.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Spare me. I think you’re assuming that I’m a woman.
GOBLIN SORCERER
You’re not a woman?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
No, little sir. I am an elf. We do not have males or females, though we tend to come off as beautiful to outsiders.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Look, lady. You look and talk like a woman, and that’s enough for me.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Suit yourself.
GOBLIN SORCERER
So what brings a pretty little Elven Cutthroat such as yourself to the Steem Monsters Tavern tonight?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
My people are fleeing persecution.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Geez, that’s a downer.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
On the other side of the world, far from what you call the Splinterlands, there is a great expanse of land on which your people have never trod. That is where my people come from. In the great living forest of Whitefall, for thousands of years we have quietly raised our elven children and tended our magical elven crops. We have always heard stories of the Splinter Wars that have torn the other side of the world asunder. My people were thriving, this close to discovering the true secrets of the universe, and everything was perfect…
GOBLIN SORCERER
Until?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Our land was invaded by monstrous wolves of shadow. They ravaged our elven crops, terrorized our young and attempted to make us slaves to their industrial ways. What once was a beautiful and living forest became a wasteland of brambles and shadow fire. Those who remained of my people fled from our home, setting sail across the vast outer ocean and eventually finding ourselves here in this new forest of mystery. Though there are countless monsters here, they seem to be peaceful, and for the most part, inebriated.
ENTER LORD OF DARKNESS
LORD OF DARKNESS
Whoa, that’s a hell of a story, little lady. What are you anyway? An elf?
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Watch where you’re swinging that flame whip.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey, Goldie! This is the Elven Cutthroat. If you can believe it, she’s a refugee from the other side of the world. This here is Goldie, the Lord of Darkness himself.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
I thought that guy running around replenishing everyone’s ice packs was the Lord of Darkness.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Shit, I don’t see how you could make that mistake. I’ll set you straight. That’s the beta Lord of Darkness. Round here we call him Darth Beta.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
Cute.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Snarky little thing, aren’t you? Lucky you’re pretty.
ELVEN CUTTHROAT
I get it. You all enjoy looking at me. But trust me, I don’t have any genitalia that you would enjoy. I’m going over there now.
COCKATRICE
Ba-Cawwwwwwk!!!!
LORD OF DARKNESS
Cockatrice! My man! How’s it hanging?
COCKATRICE
Bawk, bawk…. Ba-cawwwwk!!!
LORD OF DARKNESS
[laughing] Tell me about it, little dude. The Minotaur Warrior couldn’t hit the back of a sleeping giant.
GOBLIN SORCERER
What’s going on here, Goldie? Can you understand what that stupid little thing is saying?
LORD OF DARKNESS
C’mon, Frank. He’s got feelings. His name’s Garry.
COCKATRICE
Ber-cawwwwwwk!
LORD OF DARKNESS
That’s right. We’ve bonded over the gentlemanly art of combat. You see, this little bastard puts up one hell of a fight, even against me.
GOBLIN SORCERER
You’re not mad that he’s always just dodging everything?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Hell, I’m envious. I can’t dodge crap. And I don’t miss that often.
COCKATRICE
Ba-Cawwwkk!!
LORD OF DARKNESS
Yeah, I remember that one. You got me good, buddy!
GOBLIN SORCERER
What about all the squawking? Doesn’t that get on your nerves?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Cultural differences, Goblin Frank. I guess we’ve gotta accept these refugees as they are.
GOBLIN SORCERER
You’re telling me the chicken is a refugee too?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Yep. And it’s not a chicken. It’s a Cockatrice. Sort of a chicken-dragon hybrid.
COCKATRICE
Ba-cawwwwwk!!!
LORD OF DARKNESS
I know, I told him! Anyway, yeah, tons of new monsters are coming. There’s a Cyclops outside playing a bucket drum for tips, a bunch of Grumpy Dwarves came over on the back of a big Peaceful Giant. Apprently all the dwarves are grumpy… not just that one over there.
GRUMPY DWARF
[from across the room] Grr.. Are ye talking about me?! Rrrrrruffff…. Shazbot!
LORD OF DARKNESS
Shut up and drink your ale, Grumpy! Anyway, the Peaceful Giant said he was one of the first Giants that learned how to swim. The others are still at home working on it, but once they can get across the outer Ocean, you better believe their all gonna bring loads of grumpy things on their backs… and not just dwarves.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Wow… I guess this crisis that they’re running from is pretty bad.
COCKATRICE
[solemnly] Ba-cawwwwk…
LORD OF DARKNESS
I know, Garry, I know. Man, Garry’s been through some horrible stuff. How about a cracker?!
GOBLIN SORCERER
No!!
SOUND FX - CRUNCH CRUNCH CRUNCH FART
GOBLIN SORCERER
Dammit! There he goes. Made a huge mess of crumbs all over the bar, then pooped on the floor.
COCKATRICE
Ba-Cawwwwk!!!
GOBLIN SORCERER
I don’t know how you do things where you come from, Mr. Cockatrice, but around here we don’t like to poop on the floor.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Dude. He’s a Cockatrice. He doesn’t have a clue what you’re saying.
GOBLIN SORCERER
But he understands you! Nevermind!
LORD OF DARKNESS
Darth Beta! We need you, get over here pronto!
DARTH BETA
You called? I came as quickly as I could.. I was extracting turtle thorns from the Centaur’s hoof.
GOBLIN SORCERER
I think you’re confused, Darth Beta. Turtles don’t have thorns.
DARTH BETA
In Steem Monsters they do.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Whatever. Clean up this mess of cracker crumbs, would you? Then take care of the poop on the floor.
DARTH BETA
Just happy to be on the team!
GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey Goldie, it looks like Medusa and the Mischievous Mermaid are having it out over there. But don’t look directly at Medusa, or you’ll turn to stone.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Oh yeah, that’s been going on for hours. Don’t even get me started on those ladies. Fierce competitors, to say the least. Uh-oh, they’re coming over…
ENTER MEDUSA and MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID
MEDUSA
That’s just fine, Brenda! And I don’t need you to watch my eggs when i go on vacation next week! I need someone I can trust for that anyway!
MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID
That’s a low blow, Medusa… I said I would help, and I’m perfectly able and willing.
MEDUSA
That was before fighting started, Brenda! Now everybody knows your magic attack is more powerful than mine! People are laughing at me!
MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID
That’s absurd! You’ve got stun! When used properly, stun is way better than a slightly stronger magic attack!
MEDUSA
But you don’t bother telling any of our friends that.
MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID
I see what this is about.
MEDUSA
You’re too busy wallowing in mermaid glory, basking in the proverbial sun on your metaphorical rock of victory, on your beach of smugness.
MISHCHIEVOUS MERMAID
You’re being overdramatic.
MEDUSA
Bitch, don’t make me take my sunglasses off!
MISCHIEVOUS MERMAID
Go ahead! My magic is stronger than yours anyway!
LORD OF DARKNESS and GOBLIN SORCERER
Noooo!!
MEDUSA
Well, since there are other monsters here, and I don’t want to make statues out of everyone, I’ll leave them on. I just don’t understand why you can’t support me in my success, Benda!
LORD OF DARKNESS
[to GOBLIN SORCERER] This could take awhile.
COCKATRICE
Ba-cawwwwk!
LORD OF DARKNESS
Good idea, Garry! How about you magic up some popcorn for us, Frank?
GOBLIN SORCERER
Did he really say that?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Hell no, he just said “Ba-cawwwk”. It’s a damn chicken and I’m messing with you, dude. Probably got a brain about the size of a milk dud.
GOBLIN SORCERER
That’s good. That’s good. Still want the popcorn?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Of course I do! Who do you think you’re talking to?
GOBLIN SORCERER
[with admiration] The Lord of Friggin Darkness.
SOUND FX - MAGIC POPCORN
LORD OF DARKNESS
Melted butter? I think it’s about to come to blows between these two.
SOUND FX - MAGIC BUTTER
GOBLIN SORCERER
Hey Goldie? Do you actually like the Cockatrice?
LORD OF DARKNESS
Are you kidding me? Of course not! Damn thing dodges my flame whip every time. How do you think it feels, getting beat over and over by a damn chicken?
GOBLIN SORCERER
I’d rather not think about it. Besides, I attack with magic.
LORD OF DARKNESS
Don’t start with me, Goblin Frank. Let’s just eat some popcorn and watch these two mermaid chicks go at it.
GOBLIN SORCERER
Sounds like a plan, Goldie. Sounds like a plan.
NARRATOR
And so, Goblin Frank took a break for a few minutes so he and the Lord of Darkness could watch the fight unfold between Medusa and Brenda, the Mischievous Mermaid. They both figured that Brenda would probably have some mischievous trick up her sleeve… you know, cause of her mischievous nature. Sadly for Frank and Goldie, the two BFFs worked out their differences suddenly when out of nowhere, one of them started crying. I don’t remember which one, but pretty soon both of them were crying and hugging. I’m pretty sure the Lord of Darkness may have cried as well, but please don’t tell him I said so… my soul is at stake. Anyway, it really was a moment of forgiveness and friendship and virtue and blah blah blah boring [fart sounds]. Not the kind of material we like to cover when we take a peek into the Steem Monsters Tavern! A huge thanks to every one of you out there! Yes you who have listened, played along and had a fantastic time down in the Steem Monsters Tavern! Here’s to the next ten episodes of hilarity… and then to the moon!!! We’ll see you next time!
SOUND FX - STEEM MONSTERS TAVERN SONG
THE END
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