This sounds like an idiot in love writing this...
Maybe it is.
But let this notation be burnt in this blockchain forever; and maybe, when I look back at this many years later, it is either a #prayer-request answered , or God has a better way.
Either way, I leave it to the One Who has a higher way and higher thoughts than me
paraphrased from Isaiah 55:8 - 9
Not the one who thinks that he will make a choice for me when I am in this somewhat torn up situation.
Many people do not know about my love life, simply because I never really mentioned it.
Half of the time people listen to this story, probably before I could say anything, this is their answer.
"excuse me, sorry to say this. BUT ARE YOU FOR REAL?"
Yes. This is a real story.
Only those who has been so consumed in their daily lives and daily happiness would have splat that question right at my face and would have thought I am the biggest idiot in the world.
Maybe I am.
But I know for the fact if God placed someone in your life and pulled you both through for 20 years of friendship, love, support and with a few times of friction in between (yes we broke up before); then God has a great lesson for us both to learn in life.
All my life I have been living in defiance (so to speak), never live in the norm . Materialistic and worldly pleasure, name and success is never in my dictionary.
Probably because I carried a burden for 30 years before I was saved , redeemed , washed and made whole for the next 12 years.
Throughout those years, I have always have this mindset that I just do not fit into any category of people. I'd probably be totally fine alone...
Until I met one who just decided look back at me with all my flaws and said, teasingly,
"I love you anyway"
Probably at the time he would have thought it's just a fling sentence, and probably he would have used this same sentence on many other women who came and left in his life, probably equally broken along the way, hurt, disappointed, and many more...
...but never would have thought that THAT one small kind word could have lasted a friendship for 20 years.
And would have come to a point we both want to build a life together.
But there is a mountain right in front of our lives right now
You see, this person, did not walk through his life like any other normal man. 9-5 job, gets to hang out with his friends after work (well, he does get that occasionally, unless he is not telling me everything haha), goes to church to worship as he please (which most Christians in the free world so taken for granted for the privilege they are given).
Gets to live.
Or so he likes to point it out.
Ever since 2001 he has been in and out of war zones, with his weapons, dodging bullets, arresting bad people, doing things a human rights activist will cringe and squirm and yelled, "foul! foul!" , spent most of his time in desert and jungles, stayed awake on guard duty when the rest of the world is asleep...
...and getting PTSD for what he believed in fighting for.
This is something that will always upset me for the decisions these world leaders are making. Although we will always agree to disagree on this issue, but I will always respect his code of honor for that.
And probably at this point most of the people would have said,
"Why on earth do you want to entangle yourself with this kind of a person?"
And not chose an easier life: meet someone normal and start a family?
Well, if you have read my earlier paragraph, I am not the norm.
@chloephuan93 would probably testify I have the weirdest biggest heart she has ever seen; I am not THAT HOLY; and yeah, why not? It sounded romantic isn't it? A life maybe many girls secretly wished they would have been through.
But oh, this is no fairy tale.
(Ask the military wives... they'll have a lot to talk about. Any 
I just fell in love. Like any one would. Just to a totally different category kind of a person.
Maybe you can say that, "I like challenge."
But all I could see was, this is an honorable person who has just gone through so much for something he can choose not to fight for, but he did it anyway.
Not many people is willing to put their life on the dangerous line for a world of people they do not know; moreover those who probably are (literally) ungrateful for it and just think they are there to rip off their sovereignty, just because these people totally see things not the same like the normal people do.
And now 20 years down the road, he has become someone who still loves me, but totally groomed into a different kind of mindset person.
But he is someone who deserves happiness too. Or are you quick to judge this person before you even get to know him simply because of what he does?
What war can do to a man... Only those who were once on the ground will know.
Isn't it @derangedvisions ?
Another is someone who has lived with me from the day I was born.
Stubborn, pretty much finds me irritating when I used to cry a lot when we were young.
(The only person who managed to convinced me to eat a salted canned fish with his wildest most talented imaginable scenarios when there's no other food available on the table - and I ended up loving the food till this day)
Who had to look after me when our parents have to work for hours till late at night just to put food on the table...
took part time jobs during school holidays...
(I too started giving tuition when I was in my teens just for an extra buck)
Who hated his life while growing up because of the lost of freedom - he had to be the big brother of the house while he could have been going out playing with his friends.
And who couldn't wait get out of the house and see the world.
Who, didn't have to go through hell on earth but equally had a hard time growing up, met the (not the most perfect) girl and decided to marry her anyways because he was being responsible to his choice, "I have made my bed, now I have to sleep on it."
(Let's not go there. It's his life.)
Broken through his past decisions, became harder and behaved foolishly under pressure, and one who would rather walk on this earth his way .
A young boy who once totally love men in arms and what they stand for ; to a man who could pretty much do not really consider what his words could really damage people.
Who was once a loving brother (I know he still is but just using all the wrong ways to show it), but now totally turned into someone I feel sad watching from a distance hoping if he could just live a better life without materialism blinding him.
Both are the hard individuals who has very important impact of who I am today.
And both who because of one stupid comment, one big mouth (me), one hard heart... has now become one of the mountains I must break in Jesus Name for a hope of a peaceful communion.
Maybe it is because my fault that I never really shared my life to my brother about the man I am courting that caused this total misunderstanding that could have been easily avoided...
But what is done is done.
I am putting my happiness on hold...
I love both of them very differently but they are both my family, including my fiance even I have yet rendered my vows.
Both of them need a touch of miracle.
I am not asking God to change their hearts for my conveniences.
I am asking God to do the right thing for their happiness.
They both deserve the freedom in their mind. No matter how hard life thrown at them in totally both different ways, totally both different worlds, they both deserve joy and peace.
They both deserve to taste what I have tasted. The Goodness of God that turned my life around.
But I do sound a little selfish here... hoping that the two person can somehow find a common understanding and look pass hurts and for my sake, be at peace without walking away from this relationship. So that I can at least have a peaceful RoM.
For my sake, for my aging parents sake...
Because even if I end this 20 years relationship and totally overdue union (simply because war has driven us far apart) for my brother, it could just happen to any other relationship that comes along later in the future as long as this issue is not resolved.
This is a heart issue.
This is a miracle probably only divine can intervene.
And I hope, maybe, just maybe, this post will become a testimony of His Almighty many years down the road; no matter what the outcome is.
So I will keep my happiness on hold and keep lifting both of them in prayers. In whatever way, in silent, in darkness, whatever.
They both need this. They both need the Shalom peace...
That surpasses all understanding.
I am just keeping this log into the blockchain as both a reminder and maybe, to those who would like to stand along and pray along with this foolish lady with (apparently) a big heart.
Nevertheless... If I perish, I perish.
Thy will be done
I am just going to lift His name up high, do what I do best...
Until then