My day starts out early. I am thieved away from my dreams by the chirping of my Samsung s8. I would probably fall back asleep if it were not for my cats anxiously poking and prodding me. I am their humble servant as they wait for me to pry open their can of food.
I sip on some dark roast black coffee and meditate for about a half hour before I get in the shower, get dressed, kiss my girlfriend goodbye and head out to work. I step outside and breath in the crisp Pennsylvania air, look up at millions of starts and its good to be alive. It takes a little while for the frost to dissolve from my windshield and I pull out of the driveway onto the road. The darkness permeates everything and I watch out for Deer.
It's about 6:20 am as I cruise down rt78. The sky is a giant painting. Blues, browns, and purples all blended together in an imaginary jar of sand art. A faint orange glow starting to rise from the east. The radio is cranking "Soulshine" by the Allman Brothers as I am singing along.
Talking about soulshine, better than sunshine, better than moonshine, Damn sure better than rain
Life didn't have to be this good. Thirty years ago I tried to take my own life. I had problems that I was just not willing to face. I tried drugs to hide the pain but when they stopped working the pain was unbearable. I had secrets that could never be spoken aloud. I struggled with that pain and lived in misery for the next 25 years. I took victims and hostages. My misery loved company. The colossal weight of shame, guilt and resentment drove me to my knees.
I finally gave up about 5 years ago. I surrendered and made a decision to do life differently. I made a decision to be personally responsible. I made a choice to look for solutions in order to solve my problems instead of avoiding them. I made a decision to no longer be a victim and give others power over me. I risked it all and got vulnerable and let others get to know me as I got to know myself. I shared my deepest darkest secrets, the ones I swore would never touch my lips. I learned how to forgive others and in turn, was able to forgive myself. When I started this new journey I wanted a lot of things, most of all, to be happy.
I never did get any of those things that I wanted, but what I did get was so much more valuable. I found joy in owning and solving my own problems. I made deep connections with people. I stopped being selfish and learned to be selfless. I lost the need to control everyone and everything around me. I developed a practice of gratitude. I discover what it was to have faith and the courage to follow that faith. The best thing that I have found was, myself.
I would gladly give all I have to others that are suffering. I know these people. We are alike. They don't know yet, that there is another way. The best I can do is to share my strength, hope, and experience. We are all on the same journey, just on different parts of the path.
