Sourced from TesTeach
When I first heard about the contest concerning love, I was excited to write for it. I could talk about polyamory and my experiences thus far. Earlier this week, my lady called me up, and she wanted to take a break. Now, in polyamory, taking a break isn’t always breaking up. I can go date and be in relationships with other people either way, but putting us on a break puts our relationship on a proverbial back burner for the time being.
She wanted to take time figuring some things out for herself and what she wants from life and relationships. That’s fine by me, I’ve always wanted her to become more of who she wants to become. If I can’t be in the picture while she does that, then I acquiesce. I was upset, and have been since, but I won’t go into it or complain or whine. Let’s remember the good things.
I was driving up last year to spend the weekend with her. She was having particularly rough times with her ex-husband, who is a grade A piece of trash, but I’m already losing focus. She was stressed out, unable to focus, and wanted me there. As I was driving up, a song called Unsteady by X Ambassadors came on the radio. I enjoyed the song, but it was uncanny just how much the lyrics fit the situation. So, I came up with an idea.
When I got to her house, I walked in and had her follow me to her computer room. I opened up Youtube, brought up the song, and as it played, we slow danced. No words, no pressures, just an embrace and a slow motion around the room. I wanted her to feel better again. I wanted her to be able to smile. I lived for that smile. I knew there was a time for sadness, but I wanted her to know through more than me just saying it that I loved her and wanted to be there for her. The chorus was of course the important part, but more importantly, our symbol of connection to each other.
Take a moment to listen to the song if you wish.
This wasn’t the last time we used this song as a way to comfort each other. When she was having a rough time and was crying in my arms over something that was going on in her life (usually her bastard of an ex-husband), I would sometimes just hold her, but sometimes I would sing the song as well. When she was in the hospital recovering from surgery and having anxiety so bad that she couldn’t sleep, I sang her that song to help her fall asleep.
Even when she wasn’t around, I would listen to it on occasion and just think of her. Sometimes, I needed the comfort when she wasn’t there. It helped to ground me, to re-center my mind. When it was on the radio, I would turn it all the way up and sing along with it, despite the key being out of my vocal range. I even sang it on karaoke a few times, even though once again, the song was not in my range. I didn’t care. The song made me think of her.
Well, this week, after we went on a break, the song came on the radio. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t handle it at that moment. I clicked it to another radio station, blurting out an audible “Nope.” I had been holding back the emotion. I had been cranking it all down. I was not ready to let it go. I wasn’t ready to deal with it. Especially not while driving. I love her deeply. That will never change. Even if we actually fully break up, she will always be my Belle Violette. My Beautiful Purple. Purple is her favorite color.
Right now though, I can’t handle that idea. The idea of not being with her. It rends at a part of my soul. I don’t feel like I should burden anyone with it. Yet every time someone asks me how I’m doing, I just say I’m fine and move on. I tell myself they don’t care, or they don’t want to hear it. They wouldn’t understand. Despite all this, all I really want to do is listen to the song on loop with a handkerchief and a bottle of whiskey, and blast out all the emotion.
I just want someone to be here to hold on to me, because I’m a little Unsteady.