HOLY GOD
this spoke so much truth.
I almost didn’t click on it
but I have been blessed because I did.
I am not “crazy” and strange for being as sensitive as I am. For having such a hard time letting go.
It’s one of the most challenging parts of being in this human skin.
I’m definitely not trying to say i’m an “angel” because that sounds odd
but I can’t even believe how spot on this was for what i’ve been going trough and what I deal with so often.
I am shaken.
I always felt part alien.
Like i’m not fully human.
I created my own language when I was three because I would tell people i’m from another planet.
(Now I just call it speaking in tongues. )
This life is so strange and foreign sometimes.
I was told i’m an indigo child.
(The pendulum doesn’t lie)
I used to doubt this.
There’s so much i’m learning.
So much I could use guidance with.
I don’t always reach out and that’s on me.
I know what I am on Earth for.
What I am here to do. To be.
And one of the most excruciatingly painful feelings is feeling so far from that purpose.
Like i’m wasting my life NOT living up to that.
I’ve been through so much in my life.
I know I can’t use that as excuses. But there are many layers to be uncovered and so much brush that has to be moved aside to come into my truest self and I’m SO hard on myself sometimes.
I wake up with this daily DREAD
This painful void and emptiness.
It’s not there when I’m with a group, like when I was in the dorms in India or with a roommate.
It’s not here when I have the distraction or a romantic relationship.
But otherwise, its there.
The dread that makes you want to stay in bed and not get up.
It always gets better with yoga, music, some kind of spiritual practice.
I was terrified to end my travels.
I didn’t feel ready.
And I have faced this feeling and know it’s an illusion.
I’ll never “be ready” and there is ALWAYS more growing and learning.
I have a lot to offer NOW.
It can be hard to know where to start.
The lies can be so convincing.
Goodness this video got me going on a sharing spree.
It’s so funny.
I’ve been songwriting for so many years-
In third grade I had a song with a part that went “would I rather die than share? I don’t know.
I have all these thoughts in my head...”
I used to keep Everything in.
For a long time, And even just now, I was going to say you are the only one you hurt when you do that.
But you hurt those close to you who CARE.
I always had such a hard time truly believing anyone CARES.
For real.
To know the deepest parts of me.
I think I tell myself they don’t as an excuse to not be vulnerable.
For so long, only my sister knew that part.
The parts I didn’t let anyone else see.
And she loved me anyway.
When she passed from this plane,
I felt unknown.
No one could unconditionally love me because no one truly knew me.
I’ve been blessed along my journey to meet people that I’m feeling safer to open up with and be vulnerable.
It’s one of my soul lessons.
Vulnerability.
I’m making real soul connections.
People that make me want to stay on this planet when so many times i’ve wanted out. It’s only been in this past year that i’ve really found those people I could dog to when I’m in the lowest of the darkest pits.
(Yes I thought It was so “unfair” that my sister got to go and I was stuck here..she had so many friends..so much to live for..and I’m the one that had to stay..)
It’s the people that love you unconditionally,
and the people you inspire and help heal that make life worth living.
Thank you everyone who loves me for me.
Who supports me.
It means the world.
❤️🦄