I would have stepped on hot glowing coal just to stop your feet from burning if you were caught in a fire, 'cause you said you loved me with your very breath.
I would have jumped into an ocean to pull you out if you ever drowned though I can't swim,'cause I lived for just you then.
I took your words for what they were; I deceived myself into believing you would always be in my life 'cause you swore you would.
Those words would later turn the very swords that slashed through the very whirly mind and heart of me painted black from doing herb, blackness purified by your love only.
Sometimes the rippling of my clothes by the wind reminded me of your caresses, of you and everything you said you were and would be for me.
Sometimes the falling of the rain on my skin brought memories of your touches, of your kisses on chilly evenings with nature's gloomy moon and rattling leaves on dancing trees a witness of our union.
Was I ever the perfect lover? No! I never wanted to, and just maybe I was never gon' be.
But I wasn't afraid to try, to show the world I loved someone, some girl who wasn't perfect herself.
I thought you were the perfect kind of imperfect, 'cause you seemed to be; I thought you would be mine forever, 'cause you said you'd be.
I loved you with all my life, you were my friend-turned-sister-turned-lover-turned-ex-turned-lover.
I warred with many who disliked you, I lost friendships and admirers. And so I sapped all the care I gave to others and gave them to you, just 'cause I wanted to make a point you were all that mattered to me.
All those other friends didn't matter, all I enjoyed was being lulled to sleep by the flatteries of the lady that I loved.
You said it didn't matter I had no job, and that I was stupidly annoying, and stubborn, and weird, yet still funny enough to win your heart.
You said it didn't matter I had too many female friends I played with, and that you had to share my lips with MJ everyday, yet you didn't mind playing your part.
You said it didn't matter I took you places I shouldn't have, and made you meet people you never dreamed of, yet you followed me like a lamb would a shepherd.
You said all that don't matter,and that you loved me for the blunt crazy-ass stubborn fellow I am.
I had treated you against my heart like less-of-a-lady too many times we lost count.
I had walked out on you too many painful times to want to remember with many onlookers wondering in their surprise if I was sane to walk out on a creature of your kind. No! You were perfect! For these, you were!
I must have been too hard on and for you, but I wasn't too hard to not fall back on my bed soaking my pillow in tears you'd never learned about each and every time I pulled a tear from your eyes.
I must have done too little enough to be considered 'care', but I wasn't afraid to try in my little way to put a smile on your face, to go all nine yards to be 'The one'.
I must have had too many rough uneducated friends, but I wasn't afraid to let you meet those crazy asses with so much wisdom from their experiences.
Sometimes when I watched you sleep beside me, I would strain to stare hard at you in the darkness, wondering, pondering, why I loved you so much, that much, just why!
I never got to understand why, why my heart would fall that deep for just you.
I never got to understand a lot of things, why we would even drift apart in the first place only to run back to that love we ran away from months later.
A whole lot of things, I never got to understand.
A week ago I saw a picture of you, a really stunning picture of you with the same beautiful smile that often softened my heart, this heart that once pumped to the beats of your love.
My eyes hung on for really long, long enough for me to realize the smile that would often tear from my lips had been lost to a stiffness, and that my heart no longer pumped to the beat of you and everything you were, and that I no longer wanted and waited for you to run back into my arms.
My friends make me the bottom of their jokes, the idiot who went against the ethics of the street to love a woman a way straight from a 1980 movie - a betrayer of the code.
They'd never understand, that everything they joke about was just a thing from me to you, the lady that I loved.
Yet they still ask about you, the alluring lady that I loved.
They still long to see you shed a tear when I would kiss MJ lustfully not minding your presence, to see us walk past them with my hand at the little of your back just above your waistline, and yours on my shoulder in all your sexiness and womanliness.
They still talk 'bout you!
Do you still see me in your dreams? The smell of my skin's still familiar? Do you care if I'm permanently off your grip? Still long to look into these big fierce eyes? Do you crave the sound of my voice calling you 'Chocolate'? Are images of me still clear or blurred on the surface of your mind lady? Do you miss the memories that come with the sound of my name? Now realized what broke us was stupid enough to not even fit into the definition of stupid?
I honestly hope you would answer a 'No' to all of those questions Lady-that-I-loved. I no longer cry to the thoughts of you nor crave your touch nor long to stare into your eyes.
I no longer spend forever staring at my phone hoping you'd say something.
There are no shivers through my spine anymore at the sight of you, or mention of your name.
You're like the hard 'kpomo' a child chews at the expense of his teeth 'cause of the painful sweetness he derives. Like every child eventually learns to vomit the painfully-sweet 'kpomo' to save his teeth, I learned to shut you out of my life to save my happiness.
What I feel for you is not hate, neither is it love; just this emptiness from the many thoughts I'd aborted and tears I'd shed and pains I'd housed, just this feeling of indifference.
But I feel you deserve to someday hear me say,"Thank you," for opening my eyes to what love should have been like; I'd always appreciate that you can bet even though I had lost myself trying to help you find yourself.
Eventually, I'd grown to accept we were never meant to be, and we're but only one of the many cases of people who couldn't make it 'cause they'd loved really too strong.
Consequently, everything had been just too strong: from the pain that ran our veins and numbness that rocked our nerves and feelings that tore at the hems of our hearts and the hurts that fought against our minds' peace...just too strong for our young lives it turned out.
I blink my eyes open, wide enough this time to realize you're but a once-flamy-but-now-fumy memory that wires from the past Lady-that-I-loved. That's all you should be, all I want you to be, all you would be!