have you shit your pants? my hope is that you have, so that you can relate. i shit my pants, twice actually. shitting your pants is honestly not fun, if you were assuming it might be lol. fuck alright so, here’s the thing i can’t eat mayonnaise thanks to my dad’s side of the family. its this terrible ass trait where it legit feels like the mayo just lubes up your insides making it extremely easy to shat. the combo of ketchup and mayo makes fry sauce. so fucking annoying because i god damn love me some fry sauce baby. and of course the night before this all went down i pounded some fry sauce at a local burger place. dude and let me tell you that fry sauce they got down at whole lotta burger (shouts out whole lotta burger baby) is straight up GAAASSSS, fucking gas dude. so of course i’m choking down pounds of this stuff on my fries. fuck back to shitting my pants, enough about how good that shit was. so the day after slaughtering this sauce, i had a date with a girl i had been really trying to impress. it was probably like our third or fourth date if i remember correctly. i felt shitty the entire day. our date was sometime between 6 and 8 and i remember thinking i have to shit this out sometime mid day, i’m not carrying this with me to this date tonight. the duh duh duh duh duh music plays on repeat in my head like fucking jaws hours leading up to the date cuz I’m constipated thinking what the hell dude, this seriously has to happen today of all freaking days, unbelievable. i was a walking accident waiting to happen like a 4 year old. date time rolls around and i just decided to say you know what fuck it dude, I’m just gonna send this shit and hope to god i don’t ruin a pair of underwear in front of this girl. I’m all ready to go looking stylish as fuck and shit (hopefully) and i go hop in my little beater 1992 nissan hardbody truck. this shit was manual too, but we’ll get back to that later. as I’m driving over there, it hits me. it fucking hits me. gurgle after gurgle my stomach was moaning like no other. i knew i was screwed at this point because i had two options really… one was to continue driving to her house to pick her up and have to use her restroom before we leave and completely remodel it with my ass. which was not ideal because id be in there forever and her bathroom would be totaled. my other option was to turn around and go back home to total my bathroom, which seemed to be the better choice. dude i was making illegal after illegal turn trying to get home because i was ready to blow. i finally reach my house and let me tell you, shit was bout to be running down my leg. i sprint up the driveway clinching my cheeks and running like a dog that is on his last couple of humps. here, i begin to shit. yes, literally, shit is running down my pant leg. best fucking part is that my truck is rolling down the damn driveway because i forgot to pull the parking break. so here i am shitting, chasing my car down the driveway. i catch up and hop in just in time to pull the break. i leave the car where it stops, run inside clinchin cheeks, sprint passed my dad in the hallway while he’s asking me why i am back so early. to cut this damn story off i ended up cleaning up and heading back over to her house where i would keep this story a secret up until this day.
enjoy steemit community,
coollege