Welcome to part two in our quest to locate common sense. To make sense of what follows from part 1, I view what happened next in the context of a popular TV show.
Where were we? Oh yes, our man in Russia, Vlad, had stepped in to back his old ally Assad and halt our black pyjama wearing jihadists taking control of a sovereign nation and allowing a pipeline through from the gulf states right into mainland Europe.
Enter Hillary Targaryen, our angel in a matching pants suit. By the way why haven’t we discussed the fact that she dresses like Dr Evil and Kim Jong il and his spin off, Kim Jong Un? The Democratic Party was all hers for the taking after “that black man” (her words not mine) took the Iron throne from her back in 2008. She had accumulated a far superior war chest, raking in hundreds of thousands to appear and speak to some bankers. She had millions being as a gift from our friends across the narrow sea in Saudi Arabia whom I refer to as legal ISIS. She had three dragons, CNN, MSNBC and The New York Times. She had the sitting leader of the western world actively campaigning for her, a former leader of Westeros by her side, what could go wrong?
Enter the High Sparrow, Bernie Sanders. A little known Senator from a little known state. I had never heard of him before he announced he was running. To show you how no one took him seriously, I learned about his candidacy on The Daily Show. I was sitting there looking at this Maester Aemon looking old man thinking ‘who does he think he is? Does he really believe he can stand against the Mother of Dragons?’ Not even that many Americans knew him let alone the international community. I disregarded him right there.
Over at the Republican side, it seems the whole party and their mom decided to have a crack at the Iron Throne. And why not? ‘I mean a black guy made it in there why not me?’ they probably thought. One candidate catches the eye, announcing his candidacy in spectacular fashion, making an entrance coming down the escalator, it’s The Donald! Cue the jokes!!! Oh how fun it was in the first days of Donald Lannister’s run. You would only need to let him speak and the jokes would write themselves. But I noticed that the media was pushing it way too hard, barely reporting on the major email controversy surrounding Hillary. He was looking at the presidency through business lens. He was giving very direct answers, in the take it or leave it style he had become accustomed to in his business life. Many decided there and there that he was their man. And one by one he picked off every single opponent. The media was not laughing so loudly anymore. Neither was I.
AN AWKWARD MISCALCULATION.
It seemed that while we were sleeping, The High Sparrow Bernie had accrued quite the following. They came from all walks of life. And if you analyze it, his and the Donald’s message were not so different. Anti Establishment was the theme. Radical proposals made on NATO, foreign interventions, trade deals and marijuana. He had become a cult hero amongst his followers. In a campaign where personal attacks fly randomly, he is the one man talking about what he wants to do in detail. His rallies resemble that of Obama in 2008. Indeed, the attendance numbers at those rallies are similar to his. Our Khaleesi has a problem, the bankers, media, weapon manufacturers are not pleased. No way are they letting their Queen’s ambition be halted in its tracks. The battle on the internet begins, and it heats up quickly and the dragons get to work, scorching all who oppose the Queen. The followers of Hillary say it’s her time and that the High Sparrow Sanders and his band of hardcore followers must fall in line. And they refuse. They stick to their principles and get behind the hashtag #NeverHillary. This is when it dawned on me that people really hate this woman. Some even more than I do (remember Libya?). Hillary isn’t helped by the fact that she has scandals and skeletons that refuse to die. All manner of analysts from university professors to former CIA people that you won’t see on CNN are gravely alarmed at a Hillary presidency. She’s not saying what she will do exactly, but looking at her list of backers, it’s clear as day what her intentions are. Lifelong democrats swear they will abstain or worse, vote for Trump if she wins. They are all disregarded. The nerve of these peasants!
After reluctantly conceding what was proven to be a rigged election against him, High Sparrow Bernie throws his weight behind The Mother of Dragons. At the DNC, he finally concedes. Tears in the eyes of many in the audience, millions across the country, even more across the world. Myself included. I had come to love Sanders and what he stood for so much. The path to the Iron Throne looked secure once again for our queen.
MAYHEM
The battle lines have been drawn in the bid for control of Westeros the media, the banks, sport personalities, leaders of other countries Hollywood, Pepe the frog, the dogs, cats, God, even the fucking Pope had a few words, and of course our friend, The King in The North Vladimir Putin. When the media tried to highlight the fact that the White Walkers also known as white nationalists have thrown their weight behind Trump, the media was certain it would speak to Trump’s character. But this only made people hide their opinions even more only to air their views online through various accounts. The White Walkers could’ve cared less what you called them or Donald Lannister. Every attack seemed to evaporate on impact. As the election drew closer, Wikileaks released damning emails about Hillary Targaryen but at this point either side hated the other candidate so much it made little difference. But it did show the depths people would go for their candidate. But in all fairness, you would have to have no moral backbone to have voted for Hillary even after all the emails came out. “But Trump says mean things” oh boo fucking hoo. What are you voting for class president? There are no nice guys at that level but it helps if you’re not under criminal investigation or have never taken money from the Saudis, knowing that they are financing the jihadists in Syria, committing war crimes in Yemen. And to be clear I don’t like Trump at all, but if I had to choose, I would have voted AGAINST Hillary, who wanted to continue the policy of toppling regimes like she did in Honduras, Libya and Ukraine. Breaker of Chains? Perhaps not.
JUDGMENT DAY
What a time this was to be alive. Voting stations opened and history unfolded. Now its important to note that even I never gave Trump a snowball’s chance in hell in hell of ever getting into the White House. In my mind it was a foregone conclusion that the woman who had raised a billion dollars for her campaign was walking into the White House and the election was just a formality. At around 5pm New York Time, it was 1am in Johannesburg. I was never gonna catch the whole thing so I went to bed. But y mind and body were restless.
When I woke up nothing felt real. I looked at my phone and saw that the Deplorables were winning. The impossible was happening. It made no sense. I ran to switch on the TV before I even brushed my teeth. Turned on CNN for the first time in years and saw Wolf Blitzer’s in full panic mode. It really was happening. By about 3am NY time, Donald Trump had been declared the 45th president of the United States. Fireworks had to be cancelled. Seven million worth! The Donald offered to buy the fireworks at 5 cents on the dollar. It was abort all missions for the entire political machinery. One of the funniest being Newsweek having to cancel pre-printed copies of their latest issue with “Madam President” on the cover.
You would think that was that… the election was done and it was time to look forward... but you’d be wrong…