Unproven Chapter Seventy "Passion and Pain"

Ary reached her bedroom and shut the door. She stood with her back against it for a moment, breathing shallowly, holding her phone away from her as if it were snake about to strike. She slid down the door slowly and sat on the rug, bringing her knees into her chest and wrapping one arm around them. With effort she brought the phone's screen back into her line of sight and forced herself to reread the message.

Our game has grown tired. I no longer feel the pressing desire to win and have decided to accept that we’ve come to a stalemate. I do admire your consistency and have found your unwavering faith in the grand illusion of love in its many forms quite fascinating. It is even worthy of my respect as it takes a substantial amount of will to persist in such beliefs when everything around you offers evidence to the contrary. This letter is a sign of that respect since time is the most valuable asset we have on this Earth and in writing this I have given you a portion of mine. -Grayson

She let the phone slide out of her hand and stared blindly at the far wall. You knew something like this was coming, she thought numbly. And she had, but she had not anticipated it to be so businesslike. So final. She'd expected it to be more of the game, something she could work with, something she could fight. But this...He sounded like the android Andie had once accused him of being. A stranger at the very least.

Something had happened, something between his last message and this one. His father? It was always his father, one way or another. But she had the sinking feeling that Grayson had made up his own mind. She didn't know why she thought that, perhaps it was her connection to him. She wondered if it had to do with him being unfaithful, maybe he had to justify it by telling himself that he didn't believe in love or relationships or especially monogamy. For him guilt would be as alien an emotion as love, and he would not appreciate feeling it.

She swallowed the lump forming in her throat and sighed shakily. It didn't matter what the reason was, at least not at the moment. Because if it wasn't part of the game, if he thought he'd made up his mind, then pride would make it next to impossible for him to recant. This time she may have lost him. She pressed a hand against her chest.

This was different from the summer breakup. That had been an almost childlike pain. She'd barely known herself at the time, let alone him, she couldn't even have called him her friend. That had changed these past several months, he'd become her closest friend. And not just for the duration, but the closest friend she'd ever had.

Who could ever replace him, or even come close? She put her head between her knees as she started to tremble, and a sob tore out of her mouth. She pressed a hand against it so Nanna wouldn’t hear, this was her pain, she did not want to share it. She leaned forward until her head nearly touched the ground, the force of her grief a physical pressure, and tried to hold off the tears.

I can't have lost him, she thought, I love him so much. The dam broke and she began to sob in earnest, her body racked with shudders that came from somewhere deep inside.

She didn't know how long it went on but gradually the sobs faded into whimpers, then even they disappeared until she was breathing evenly. A calm came over her, an absolute stillness, and she was suddenly wrapped in a blanket of peace. She felt a presence, something feminine and warm and kind.

A memory came to her, and it was so vivid she could almost smell the odd combination of flowers and cinnamon that marked the unique scent of her childhood home. She was nine years old and had come indoors after a long walk to the waterfalls just in time to witness a fight between her parents that frightened her. It wasn't the first time she'd seen them arguing, she’d even witnessed the occasional shouting match, but this time it nearly turned physical before her eyes. Then her mother had noticed her standing there and said her name, which seemed to enact a ceasefire. Her dad had turned and strode from the room while her mom had hurried over, ushering her back outside and sitting her down on the back porch swing.

“Are you getting a divorce?” She'd blurted, terrified of the idea, the word sounding like a curse.

“Oh sweetheart, no,” her mom had assured her, wrapping an arm around her small shoulders and pulling her close. “Your father and I are a package deal, forever and always. Our relationship is just very passionate, which is usually a positive thing, but occasionally the same intensity that makes us crazy for each other just makes us plain crazy. Someday, My AnnieAry, you'll understand. With your spirit, you're destined to find a mate with passion. Don't be afraid of it, life would be exceedingly boring without it, you just have to take the bad with the good.”

She'd stared at her mom for a moment before asking, “How will I know which one is the one?” Her mom's smile had held a touch of humor and wistfulness as she'd answered. “When you meet a man who makes your heart soar but can also tear out your guts on occasion? That's the one.”

She'd glanced toward the house and Ary had understood she was talking about her dad. Later that night she'd heard noises coming from her parents’ bedroom that were far from angry, and in that moment she'd decided she wanted what her parents had, even if it meant that it could sometimes cause her pain.

Grayson, she thought. He's the one. The tears started again, but this time they were silent and sad, because they were not only for herself. She could imagine the things available to him- women, entertainment, all of the material things that money could buy-and understood why he would choose it. But she also knew that one day he would wake up and realize that with everything he owned he didn't have anything of true value. He would be empty and unhappy. He had bought into his father's ideal that love was nothing but a word, but he was wrong. Love, the genuine kind, was a living, breathing entity. It forgave without being asked, it couldn't be bought or sold, and it could never be destroyed.

She understood how he could have been swayed, there was alarming evidence to support his father's indoctrination. But only because it's true meaning had been twisted. By the media, by Hollywood, even by the church in some cases. ‘We fell out of love’ was such a common phrase in today's society, as if being in love was akin to ‘loving’ Chinese food. And after a period of eating nothing but rice and noodles you wake up one day and decide you're sick of it, so you trade it in for Italian, which becomes your new ‘love.’

She smiled sadly at the analogy. ‘I love pizza’ and ‘I love you’ had somehow become one and the same thing, and in some cases that was accurate because if you could ‘fall out of love’ with someone, then whatever it was you actually felt for them probably amounted to nothing more than a fleeting craving for mint chocolate chip ice cream. But that wasn't love. Extreme like at most. And you could definitely decide you no longer liked something, you could even make that decision about something you truly loved, but if you truly loved something then whether or not you liked it, the love would remain. Andie was a great example. Right now she didn't particularly like her old friend, but she still loved her, would always love her.

There was a soft knock on her bedroom door, disrupting her train of thought and she grabbed her phone and stood, wiping her cheeks. She assessed herself in the mirror and groaned inwardly. Her face was red, her eyes puffy, Nanna would definitely know something was wrong. She sighed and opened the door.

"Hey," Dori started cheerfully, then her smile faded, "What happened?"

Ary waved her in and closed the door, relieved it was Dori, the one person she could actually confide in. She handed her phone over without saying a word and walked over to her bed, sitting heavily. She watched as Dori read the message and could tell by the myriad expressions that flitted across her face- namely surprise- that she hadn't known about this.

"That fucking bastard," Dori said darkly as she walked over and sat beside her.

Ary raised a brow, "You don't have to say that," she said quietly, "he's still your friend...”

"Is he?" Dori cut her off, her eyes narrowing. "He uses me when he needs to, and I let him because someday I intend to use him. That's not friendship, that's a business arrangement. One that I've always been cool with because I didn't think people were capable of the real deal." She tossed the phone on the bed behind them and took Ary's hand in both of hers, squeezing lightly. "Then I met you and started to question that, and after this past month? I know I was wrong. Because you are genuine, Aryanne Gilson. I told you that my loyalties were beginning to sway; well I'm no longer for Grayson. I'm for you. In fact," she let go of Ary's hand and fished her own phone out of her pocket.

Ary thought she was going to write him and blinked in surprise when Dori clicked on her options and blocked him instead.

"You don't have to do that...”

Dori cut her off again, "I know I don't. I want to."

Ary smiled slightly, "I appreciate it, but even I'm not going to do that."

"You should. You really should. He doesn't deserve you. And you don't deserve his head games."

Ary shook her head. "It's not about deserving. I love him. I know it appears he's incapable of returning the sentiment, and maybe that's true. It's possible that the small window of opportunity I had to break through that barrier has been closed. I can't say, because I don't know what happened in Europe to cause this shift. Maybe Gary was right and he had amazing, freaky sex with dozens of women, and the thought of being with just one is a turn off, or maybe it was seeing a different world with seemingly endless opportunities, and he feels being in a relationship is too limiting. I get that. I'm only eighteen and he won't even hit that mark for a couple more days. In light of all those things, it might be a little much to ask for his devotion. It's too bad that I can't see it that way myself, but I look at my future and know without a doubt that it's infinitely better with him in it. I believe there is such a thing as your other half, one person who will make you whole, a soul mate. And maybe you can meet decent facsimiles, and life can still be wonderful, but something will always be missing. He'll be the missing piece in my life. Brilliant and beautiful, complicated and twisted; he is an epic roller coaster that I want a lifelong pass to ride."

Dori shook her head slowly, her eyes a little wide. "Wow Ary, I've heard of people having it bad, in fact every girl Grayson's ever dated has had it bad, but sweetie you take the cake. So if he decides he wants you again, you'll just take him back, no questions asked?"

Ary snorted, "God no. I mean, I'm not willing to share him if that's what you're asking. I'm not a doormat. If he wants to sleep around, the best I can offer him is friendship."

Dori cocked her head to the side. "What if he's cruel to you like he was to Amanda, will you be his friend then? I tend to think the breakup via text is pretty cruel, but what if he takes it further? And how would a friendship with him work anyway, won't it bother you to see him with other girls?"

Ary sighed. "Well depending on how things go, my friendship might be in spirit only. I don't know Dori. Of course it will bother me to see him with other girls, but I know that whatever he has with them will be shallow, so it doesn't have the potential to really hurt me. If he got serious with someone else and I thought it was genuine then that would probably break my heart, although if there was real love involved I would be happy for him and wish them well. But I don't think I have to worry about that, do you?"

Dori made a face of the ‘yeah right’ variety, then shook her head again. "I don't know about you. How can you be so big about this? You're still in high school, you're supposed to be all flighty and emotional. Your maturity is far beyond your years."

Ary smiled faintly. "Well part of that is because of him, he forced me to look at the world through a broader lens. But also I've lived through tragedy. When my parents died my life was blown apart and at ten years old I had to learn how to piece it back together. And I guess their deaths drove home how short life is and how unpredictable it can be. It's one thing to understand those concepts on an intellectual level but it's a whole other thing to get them on every level." She gave Dori a small smile before admitting, "But even knowing that I still reacted like the world was coming to an end when I read that message. The moment still affects me, enormously sometimes, I just don't get stuck in it like most people. Instead I try to learn from it."

Dori smiled affectionately. "You're a pretty amazing chic, Aryanne. I'm really glad we became friends...We are friends, aren't we?"

"Of course!" Ary assured her. "Good friends."

"Well I'm sticking by my decision to ignore him. And honestly I think you should start looking for a new soul mate. I'm sure there are plenty of brilliant and beautiful guys, even complicated ones, but without the twisted part that you'd be better off with."

A new soul mate. Ary inwardly sighed. The very meaning of the term suggested one of a kind. To Dori she said, "Yeah, but I kind of like the twisted part, maybe it's the challenge of it, or maybe I'm a little twisted myself."

Dori laughed, "You're a lot of things Ary, but twisted isn’t one of them."

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