INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - AFTERNOON
Clever computer programmer DR ANDREW RUSSELL is arguing with incredible hairdresser PROF BETH NOLAN. ANDREW tries to hug BETH but she shakes him off.
ANDREW
Please Beth, don't leave me.
BETH
I'm sorry Andrew, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
ANDREW
I am such a person!
BETH frowns.
BETH
I'm sorry, Andrew. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
BETH leaves.
ANDREW sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, intuitive lawyer LORD BORIS MCCALLISTER barges in looking flustered.
ANDREW
Goodness, Boris! Is everything okay?
BORIS
I'm afraid not.
ANDREW
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
BORIS
It's ... a robber ... I saw an evil robber trick a bunch of kittens!
ANDREW
Defenseless kittens?
BORIS
Yes, defenseless kittens!
ANDREW
Bloomin' heck, Boris! We've got to do something.
BORIS
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
ANDREW
You can start by telling me where this happened.
BORIS
I was...
BORIS fans himself and begins to wheeze.
ANDREW
Focus Boris, focus! Where did it happen?
BORIS
National History Museum, London! That's right - National History Museum, London!
ANDREW springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ANDREW rushes along the street, followed by BORIS. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - SHORTLY AFTER
BARRY LAKEMAN a vile robber terrorises two kittens.
ANDREW, closely followed by BORIS, rushes towards BARRY, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
BORIS
What is is? What's the matter?
ANDREW
That's not just any old robber, that's Barry Lakeman!
BORIS
Who's Barry Lakeman?
ANDREW
Who's Barry Lakeman? Who's Barry Lakeman? Only the most vile robber in the universe!
BORIS
Blinkin' knickers, Andrew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile robber in the universe!
ANDREW
You can say that again.
BORIS
Blinkin' knickers, Andrew! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most vile robber in the universe!
ANDREW
I'm going to need stakes, lots of stakes.
Barry turns and sees Andrew and Boris. He grins an evil grin.
BARRY
Andrew Russell, we meet again.
BORIS
You've met?
ANDREW
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ANDREW is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees BARRY. He takes off his headphones.
BARRY
Would you like some peppermints?
ANDREW's eyes light up, but then he studies BARRY more closely, and looks uneasy.
ANDREW
I don't know, you look kind of vile.
BARRY
Me? No. I'm not vile. I'm the least vile robber in the world.
ANDREW
Wait, you're a robber?
ANDREW runs away, screaming.
INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - PRESENT DAY
BARRY
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
BORIS
(To ANDREW) You ran away?
ANDREW
(To BORIS) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
ANDREW turns to BARRY.
ANDREW
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
ANDREW runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
ANDREW
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with stakes.
BARRY
I'm not scared of you.
ANDREW
You should be.
EXT. CHIPPEWA SQUARE, SAVANNAH - LATER THAT DAY
ANDREW and BORIS walk around searching for something.
ANDREW
I feel sure I left my stakes somewhere around here.
BORIS
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly stakes.
ANDREW
You know nothing Boris McCallister.
BORIS
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, BARRY appears, holding a pair of stakes.
BARRY
Looking for something?
BORIS
Crikey, Andrew, he's got your stakes.
ANDREW
Tell me something I don't already know!
BORIS
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
ANDREW
I know that already!
BORIS
I'm afraid of dust.
BARRY
(appalled) Dude!
While BARRY is looking at BORIS with disgust, ANDREW lunges forward and grabs his deadly stakes. He wields them, triumphantly.
ANDREW
Prepare to die, you vile cauliflower!
BARRY
No please! All I did was trick a bunch of kittens!
BETH enters, unseen by any of the others.
ANDREW
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those kittens were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Andrew Russell defender of innocent kittens.
BARRY
Don't hurt me! Please!
ANDREW
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these stakes on you right away!
BARRY
Because Andrew, I am your father.
ANDREW looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
ANDREW
No you're not!
BARRY
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
BARRY tries to grab the stakes but ANDREW dodges out of the way.
ANDREW
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, BARRY slumps to the ground.
BORIS
Did he just faint?
ANDREW
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly stakes.
ANDREW crouches over BARRY's body.
BORIS
Be careful, Andrew. It could be a trick.
ANDREW
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Barry Lakeman is dead!
ANDREW
What?
ANDREW
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
BORIS claps his hands.
BORIS
So your stakes did save the day, after all.
BETH steps forward.
BETH
Is it true? Did you kill the vile robber?
ANDREW
Beth how long have you been...?
BETH puts her arm around ANDREW.
BETH
Long enough.
ANDREW
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Barry Lakeman.
BETH
Then the kittens are safe?
ANDREW
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable kittens enter, looking relived.
BETH
You are their hero.
The kittens bow to ANDREW.
ANDREW
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Barry Lakeman will never trick kittens ever again, is enough for me.
BETH
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the kittens passes ANDREW a gold pendant
BETH
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
ANDREW
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
ANDREW
Well, if you insist.
ANDREW takes the pendant.
ANDREW
Thank you.
The kittens bow their heads once more, and leave.
ANDREW turns to BETH.
ANDREW
Does this mean you want me back?
BETH
Oh, Andrew, of course I want you back!
ANDREW smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
ANDREW
Well you can't have me.
BETH
WHAT?
ANDREW
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a robber to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
BETH
But...
ANDREW
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Boris.
BORIS grins.
BETH
But...
BORIS
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
BETH
Andrew?
ANDREW
I'm sorry Beth, but I think you should skidaddle.
BETH leaves.
BORIS turns to ANDREW.
BORIS
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
ANDREW
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly BORIS stops.
BORIS
When I said I'm afraid of dust, you know I was just trying to distract the robber don't you?
THE END
