"what lucky bastard that would have her by his side".
That's what a little voice in the back of my head told me when l I saw her one year ago in back of a garden at a private summer party: so beautiful, so smiling, so true.. She enjoyed life and something in me already wanted to be a part of it.
although I might not have admitted it to myself back then when in fact I was dating her best friend.
Deer Steemians, this is a very personal story about a Romanian woman that I fell on love with back in Denmark before I left for my bike tour, a person I build a connection with I cannot explain...
The beginning of something unique
I still remember the night when my current date left for 1/2 year to work in another continent, I was left at the after party in same room sleeping with this Romanian woman. We didn't sleep together, she slept on a sofa and me on a bed on the other side of the room. Something in me wanted her beside me but I knew it would be weird given the circumstances and I was ashamed to almost feel that way. I did have that much respect to think she were a completely forbidden zone to be trespassing.
hello, goodbye and hello again
During that summer i was still meeting her a couple of times under the "just friends" banner. I honestly at that time didn't even let myself have the hope of having anything with her... So naive I was back then.
As summer ended so did our contact and nothing major happened between us, also the girl I was dating at the time ended since I was not that interested anyways(obviously).
But eventually in a dark December night a message popped up on my phone... A message from her asking if I wanted to meet again. I have no idea why she decides write to me after so long given we only met a few times. But how could I say no to meet with such a wonderful person? Nonetheless I was so happy she actually wrote to me.
Something i didn't see coming...
The first day we met we had quite a time together. We shared some beer, walked, talked even put music on a small computer and danced together. We simply just enjoyed each other.
As night was falling I was in fact somewhat invited to sleep by her side... In the same bed. While I did "accidentally" touch her from time to time I was still very sure she didn't mean the same for me, so I didn't make any move although the temptation kept me awake most of the night. How nice it would have been just to cuddle up with her.
In the morning something happened that truly confused me... When I said goodbye and she was still semi-sleeping she took my hand and held it for a few seconds. Such a soft touch from her, it almost turned everything upside down for me.
Not only I was confused by she actually took my hand. But the reaction my body gave when she held my hand was beyond anything I have ever experienced. It's like everything just made sense in the moment.
So our "romance" began.
We never had a boring time together: singing to songs in the car and doing all kind of stuff together such as she introduced me to acroyoga, (once when she tried to show me the "airplane" I accidentally threw her right over me and into the door, we were both laying on the floor laughing). Everything was perfect except i didn't know for sure if I was just a friend to her.
I had to ask her
"Is this more?" I asked her and she indeed told me it was more for her as well. But she didn't feel it was right for her to do because of her friend(my old date) that might still have liked me a little. Obviously she felt she would betray her friend."
Her decision was indeed to keep our relation we had at a minimum level and it made everything so problematic for me. I wanted to do everything with her, wanted to show her what I could offer but I couldn't. Because she was in a position where her decision might cost her best friend, could you blame her?
The time grew closer to my bike trip across Europe
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever been in love and knowing the person wanted you as well, but you could do nothing about it? Both first time for me. All I got from her was her attention, her care and one kiss. A kiss I won't ever forget. If you think how her holding my hand made me feel, then you might understand why I can't put words on the moment she actually let me kiss her.
I'm telling you it's the most horrific feeling to not be able to kiss, invite out or just show real affection for her when your whole body screams for it. My time to travel by bike was coming to start and with it our problems would be solved by distance(atleast that's what I thought). I always try to make the best of things but this time it was a real challenge. Usually I make things turn out like I want it, but this time I had to accept this might not be the case.
On our last day before I was going on my 5 months bike tour I told her before I left what I had to tell her to get moving myself:
I don't know if we are gonna end up together or not, honestly I don't expect it. But I thank you for this teaching: I thank you because I now know what it's gonna feel like next time I will find someone to love. I never knew what it felt like to truly be in love, people talk about it and sometimes I have tried to pretend or make myself believe I was in love, but now I know, thank you.
The last minutes
I stood in the doorway, tears in my eyes. So much in my head was going around of uncertainty. I have never been travelling before, do I even have it in me to bike across Europe? Will I ever see her again? Why is she so calm? God... Why is she so beautiful?
I didn't dare to kiss her on her lips, a rejection now would make me crumble. So instead I gave he so many kisses I could on her forehead, just to let her know how much this ment for me.
When I had to take the step out of the doorway I couldn't... I could not take one step. It was impossible, I had no control of it. My body and mind belonged with her and there was no way fighting it within myself.
I think she knew she was the only one who could make me leave, she was the only one I could listen to in the moment. "GO MIKKEL, GO!" she said. My body started moving, every step I knew I had to keep moving not to turn back. Her voice was all I had in my mind to keep moving. With her last words I now started to cycle through Europe.
As the miles between us became bigger and bigger.
Germany, Czech republic, Austria, Slovenia, Italy, Croatia, Bosnia, Montenegro, Albania, Greece....
The time of my life where I cycled through every single country, day after day experiencing the most extraordinary people, landscapes and cultures. It's almost as I forgot my old life at home and I could not imagine ever going back. Only one person was still in my mind when I had to sleep or had a moment for myself. Do I even have to tell you who?
Despite almost not talking with her for the whole trip it really didn't matter where I was or what I was doing. she would always pop up in my head, sometimes only for a fraction of a second, but she really still was stuck in my mind. Whether I was watching a sunset, climbing a mountain, talking with strangers... I always thought of how amazing it would have been to have her experience it with me.
Hell, even when meeting other women on the road I thought "they are alright, but not really her... Not nearly as perfect."
An undeniable connection
Could I have a happy life without her? Yes without a doubt I am far too comfortable in myself to believe I would need another person to be happy. I don't Need her BUT I want her. I think this is a important point to make. Maybe that's why I'm so strongly pulled towards her? Because I want her in my life, a life I already know is good but would love to share and make even better with somebody special?
The only question I have yet to answer is why I am so strongly pulled towards her and honestly I have no logical explanation. Sure we have had a great time together with a lot of fun. But the way I want to fight for this woman is beyond anything I understand about myself, beyond my senses. I think this goes deeper than what I'm aware of. I am not a superstitious type but the thought really did cross my mind: could she be my soulmate?
leap of faith
So I do what I do best besides cycling.. I wrote her. I asked her directly and folded my cards completely for her to see them. I told her if she wants to give us a shot then the time is now, I will make it happen, no matter if I have to go back to Denmark to Romania or where ever she needs to go. It don't matter if it's not gonna work out between us, then at least I know and don't have to think back 5 years from now "what if?".
Be proactive, don't wait or hope for somebody to ask you, go ask yourself. If they say no, then at least you know for sure and can move on with your life without thinking back
She said yes.