I have not held, kissed and hugged my baby for 1 and 1/2 years now. These pictures, they were my last moments with my Little Angel before I had to leave his side, continents away...
Wow, I still don't know how I could go through that nightmare period in my life. To have a son just by name, and to live by a memory that I have raised him with love for the first 3 years of his life. Which mother will not miss her child? My Heart was shattered to pieces... I cried and cried and cried because I Miss my son so so much. I couldn't even look at other young children or go pass playgrounds or toy shops or kid's outlets without tearing up. I felt empty, guilty, ashamed, helpless, anger, despair, sadness. Many don't know, or I don't think anyone could really understand my situation or what I had to go through. I always had a smile on my face, and many would never guess what I was going through. I just waded myself through everything, with the inner strength and courage that was blessed to me, Wow how could I survive without that amazing Gift...
What I lost taught me Huge lessons. Not being with your Child felt like losing a piece of your Heart and Soul. However, it forced me to Search. For Real things in life. What could be more real and precious than your own son, I thought? It is so Real, but he is Taken away from me. So what is Real? In my searches I stumbled and failed. With friends, stuff, family, people that go in and out of your life, vacations, spirituality, relationships, work. I felt like a Zombie. However, it feels like I had a clean slate and I had look for the things to (re)define who I am. I kept struggling with myself, "How can I be BETTER? How can I improve myself from all this?"
The answer slowly Came - All that time was given to me so I had to look for Me. I had to just Be and Accept Me. I had to Disassociate myself and get stripped of EVERYTHING. And Everything to me then was my beautiful Angel Son, Rafee. Without that, what lies underneath 28 years of ME? Who am I? What have I become? Am I Happy with Me?
If I didn't go through that crazy Rollercoaster ride, I will never be Me now with the Wisdom, Courage, Light, Spirit and Understanding. So many things made sense now. I am not afraid. I am not sad, angry or worried. I know everything had a Reason to happen.
Now I am always searching for the True Meaning of Happiness. It's not about other people, what family members and friends say and the things that you have. It's about ME. When I Am Happy with Myself and What I Am, everything else will fall into place. Beauty, Love, Light and Happiness will show itself just because I learned to Just. Be. Me.
I am still accepting the fact that my Bond with my son Rafee is Lifelong and our Hearts are tied together No Matter What, and Always.
Everyday I will be Happier and Happier. Right now I am so Blessed with a Thousand things in my Life and the Journeys that bought me here now. And I have the best reasons to be Happy to be Me TODAY.
It's like a second chance to Re-live and Re-start your life in the same Life. Some people don't get that chance, and their Life ends. What a Waste... They live a life other people want for them and never truly finding their True Self. How Lucky am I to be given that Privilege at my young age. I have never felt so Alive with emotions from my Journey...
Thank you for showing ME and making ME understand. I know there will be more coming.... The Sun shines Brighter than ever as the dark clouds slowly fade away. I was a stunted Bud before, not growing... Now I'm Blooming into a new Flower and I want to show the world my True Beauty... I could never be more Blessed! :)# header# header
hope you are strong again facing this ordeal
