I am carrying a story from my childhood that fun is out there in the future and I have to work productively in the present to be able to achieve fun and joy in life. If I don’t work productively now, I will have no way to enjoy my life later. I want to believe that this story is not true and life is a hundred percent play. There is no separate boundary between work and play. And you don’t need to work hard and not enjoy now in order to get a life which has no work and lot of enjoyment.
That story doesn’t work for me; I wanted to create a new story. I left my city life and shifted to agricultural land in order to change my lifestyle to create a new story. I am no more surrounded by the people who have a routine life of waking up, going to the office, sitting in the AC and coming back exhausted. I am in a beautiful permaculture farm with plenty of trees and birds. I have a wise lake nearby who advises me to stay calm and peaceful. I have a carom board and peoples who actually want to play it. But every time I play it, I can hear a background music playing in my head – Do not play carom board. It is wastage of time. Be productive, study or work or do something.
I am so fed up with this voice in my head that I want to bang my head on the wall. And I want to keep banging it on the wall till the little jackal in my head stops whispering. I sometimes come to my room and try to scream. But I am failing. Everyday. The more I try to change this old story inside me, the more it haunts me.