Once upon a time there were three bears
A Papa Bear, a Mama Bear and a baby bear...
The three bears were a happy family. They lived in the cutest little cottage deep inside the forest. Mama got up every morning to make Papa coffee, Papa worked 60+ hours a week and baby bear was a rebellious little shit. You see, baby bear wasn't really a baby anymore. Baby Bear was just his rap name.
One fine morning the bears got up and started their day like usual. Mama sends Papa off to work with a kiss as she pours cold water on Baby Bears head to wake him up. He quickly jumps up and shakes the water off his head to fluff his fur back out. "Not cool Ma!", says Baby Bear as he walks to the pond for his morning fish. 🐟 That evening Mama comes home from work to see Papa already there. "Hello Papa, how was work and where is Baby?", Mama says as she walks in the door. Papa looks up from his paper with a smile, "Work was great hon, Baby went out with Tizzy the Grizzly Bear and Marley the Gnarly Snail. He said he is staying with them for the weekend."
It was not unusual for Baby to stay away all weekend, Mama shrugged it off and went to finish her duties. All of sudden there was a giant roar coming from the bedroom. It caused the house to rumble, the trees to shake and the birds in the forest to chirp in fear.
"PAPAAA!!!", Mama is now an angry bear, all of sudden every single animal around their nest ran in fear. Mama comes out from the room holding up something in her fingers. "Somebody else has been sleeping in my bed Papa, who was it? I sure as hell don't have GOLDILOCKS!" She holds up this one single blonde curly piece of hair. Papa looks like he just seen a ghost, "Betty, I just got home right before you did. There is an explanation to this, it has to be that damn Baby Bear."
"Papa, Baby Bear hasn't even used Charmin since he was actually a baby and we did it for him, he isn't bringing home any groupies like he claims!", Mama yells as she stomps off to the other room.
The two of them eat their supper in silence, eventually Papa calms her and reminds Mama that he loves her and there is an explanation. The next day Papa went out to search for food and Mama went for a walk. Papa came home before Mama and walked in the door, he noticed that his recliner was indeed reclined and his paper was open on the floor but no one was in the house.
Mama walks in and Papa asked if she had been home once before, she shakes her head "no". "Someone else has been sitting in my chair. Why was my chair reclined when I got home from searching for food to feed this family!?", Papa yells. "Damn it, Betty! Just because you think that I had something to do with that goldilock you found in our bed, does not mean you get me back by having another bear in my chair!"
Mama knows that she had nothing to do with the chair being used so she lets out a little giggle and says, "Oh Papa, do you realize how silly all of this sounds? You are right, there has got to be an explanation."
Eventually Baby Bear comes home and they ask him about any blondes in his life. He compeletly denies knowing anything about one. When they wake up the next morning Baby Bear is not at all happy. He combs his fur back and stomps out of the house, mumbling under his breath the entire time. Mama goes into his room to see if she can find what has caused him to have these emotions. She finds a book sitting on his bed, the outside of the book reads "Baby Bears twisted mind, don't read-or else". Obviously Mama doesn't listen and opens the book to find this written that day:
Man , somebody else has been eating my food. Marley made us boys some gnarly "special" brownies and I woke up to all but ONE left. Wtf bro I didn't eat them and idk where they went. Mama will kick my butt if she finds out about them and this dope ass Baby Bear won't be doing any more shows. I am pissed!
Mama isn't stupid, she already knew Baby Bear was smokey the bear. He comes home all the time smelling dank and claims it is from all the forest fires. At least she finally does have proof. Although she is mad at Baby Bear, she is very confused. Someone has got to be coming into their home when they are away and/or sleeping. Mama decides to go outside to the berry bush for some fresh air and a snack.
Mama slowly walks over to the bush on all fours, trying to understand what is going on. She noticed a blonde girl sitting next to the bush sleeping, she still had a hand full of berries. "Oh my, it's you. What in the world have you been doing around here lately?", Mama says. Goldilock jumps in fear and she stutters trying to get her words out , "Oh dear I..I am so sorry, I should have just knocked the first day. You see, my car broke down over on that road near your cottage, only it broke down at the opposite end. I walked into the forest to look for some form of help and now, now I don't know how to get out. I have been trying to get cell phone service but man this is a thick ass forest. I found your cottage the other day. No one was home and I needed to rest, I did let myself in and found a nice comfy king size bed. The next day, the same thing happened with that super nice Laz E Boy recliner."
Mama Bear scratches her head in confusion, "Why are you out here sleeping in the berry bush and why didn't you just knock to ask us for help?"
Goldilocks lets out a nervous laugh, "I didn't knock because you are bears, obviously. I have just been creepily watching the house for the moments I can come in, hoping you didn't catch me and decide I was a nice snack. This bush? Oh I don't know honestly. I found some brownies inside and quickly got super hungry after eating a few. Everyone was sleeping and I knew this bush was here and I could eat, I don't remember falling asleep though..."
Mama Bear takes Goldilocks inside, she tells Papa the story she has been told and they tell Goldilocks the story about the bed and recliner, making sure she realizes the trouble she caused the bears. Although the bears were upset with Goldilocks breaking into their home multiple times, they couldn't blame her for being nervous about a talking bear family living in a cottage deep in the forest. Papa and Mama have no other way to get Goldilocks to her car other than to carry her on their back.
Just then they hear a knock on the door. Papa goes to the door and after opening it he quickly realizes that it is a Jehovah's Witness. After declining the weekly meetings due to the bears having a different faith than the woman, the woman did mention a car broken down on the road and asked the bears about it. Finally, Goldilocks caught a break. Thanks to the good lord, Goldi was given a ride to her vehicle. Mama and Papa were just happy that Goldilocks made it back to her vehicle. Baby Bear finally moved out after he got a multi million dollar record deal with Tizzy and Marley and they all lived happily ever after.
THE END...
DISCLAIMER - In this story Goldilocks and Baby Bear are both adults. No children were harmed or given any "special" brownies in the making of this rewrite.
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