Three hours and my last ever pot of coffee later, I’d finished my repairs. It had taken two rolls of scotch tape, a broken steak knife, and the cord from my coffee maker, making that officially the last pot it would brew, but the charging light on my headset was blinking. It was alive.
In my caffeine addled state, I couldn’t wait to try it, and without pausing to unplug the charger, I slipped the gloves on, pulled the headset over my eyes and hit the power button. What happened next, I’m not quite sure, but when I came to, the smell of burning hair filled my nostrils and my head was throbbing.
In front of me was a large, empty, black space, outlined in bright neon. At first, I thought I was alone.
“Mr. Doe,” a familiar voice said.
I turned and there, behind me, sitting cross legged on a raised pedestal -something I was pretty sure he couldn’t do, was Mr. Remi- in a bright fuschia robe. His head was shaved smooth and he smiled serenely.
“Welcome to the arena,” he said.
More lights snapped on around me, with loud, mechanical clicks. Each pair of lights marked an entrance into the space we were in. Each opening was a tunnel like chute, leading down, each one a different color. I turned and counted. There were ten in all.
“This isn’t Warmonger,” I said, referring to my favorite first person shooter, the game that had started this whole awful day. “Where am I?”
Remi laughed.
“Nowhere and everywhere,” he said.
“What does that even mean?”
“Defend yourself!” he roared, standing as his right hand shot out toward me, a smooth silver cylinder flipping out of it directly toward me.
I caught the tube just inches from my face.
“You could have…”
With a click and a hum, blades extended out of each end of the tube, alive with blue electricity, it vibrated and twitched. It looked deadly.
“Focus,” Remi said. “You must choose.”
He held out his hands, turning to indicate the light framed chutes.
“Your destiny lies in only one direction, but you must travel them all to attain it. Choose. Which one first?”
The floor beneath me lit up in a colored pattern. There were concentric rings, and ten rectangular boxes, one for each door, it looked like a map. From what I could see, there was a maze beyond each door.
“This is stupid,” I said. “I don’t even own this game, whatever it is, you’re not real and I’m pretty sure I’m passed out and the cord of this headset is burning a hole in the vegan leather couch in my apartment.”
“It is not stupid,” he said. “You are stupid. This, is your life. Your chance to choose. Your chance to take control. Your chance to own the results of your own actions and choices.”
I laughed.
“Really? I electrocute myself and instead of swimsuit models, I dream about my landlord lecturing me on how my crappy life is my fault, when it so clearly isn’t?”
“Your actions, your choices, your life,” he said, waving his hands towards the doors. “Where will you start?”
“I won’t, I refuse,” I said. “What happens if I refuse?”
“You continue,” he said.
“Continue what?” I asked.
“Continue on the path you’ve chosen,” he said.
I laughed again.
“Great, so you’re telling me if I don’t engage in your little game, I just get more of the same? My crappy life just keeps getting crappier?”
“Much worse,” he said.
“What could be worse?” I asked.
“Ripple effect,” he said. “You are not alone. You are connected. Your life effects every life it touches, even mine.”
“Seriously?” I scoffed. “That’s your pep talk? Your life affects mine? Okay, I’ll bite, how does my roommate screwing me over, the government charging outrageous interest on my student loans, my boss taking away the one strike I had left, and the dog from hell destroying the only thing I had in my life that made it worth living, affect you?”
“You think I enjoy dealing with snot nosed philosophy majors taking up space in my complex? You think I like kicking them out and cleaning up their messes? No. I have better ways to spend my retirement. Now, I continue too.”
“Continue what?” I asked. “Living with your super model wife? Flirting with the moms at the pool, lounging around that penthouse they give you? Yeah, I’ve seen it. Rough life.”
“Training you,” he said.
“Well, that you can forget about,” I said.
I raised the saber in my hand and tossed it, like a javelin toward the wall near a red framed door. It stuck into the wall and quivered there, humming louder.
I reached up to remove the headset, I needed out of here, and I might need a trip to the emergency room. My hands ran into my head. There was no headset. I fumbled across the top of my head and
ran my hands over my eyes. Wow, I was really out of it.
Remi laughed.
“You continue, until you succeed,” Remi said.
“Succeed at what?” I said.
“Owning your life,” he said.
I shook my head. I had to find a way out of this nightmare. I looked around and headed toward the red door. As I arrived at the chute, I could see what looked like a steel door, with a diagonal cut running from lower left to upper right. There was a flat, square pad near the light on the right. I pressed it.
“You have chosen,” Remi said.
“What?”
“Now, you must fight,” he said.
He came toward me, floating, knees bent, feet out behind, his torso upright. He pulled the saber from the wall. The blades receded. He presented it to me again.
“No, not interested,” I said.
I turned from him and started toward the door at the end of the red framed chute. It was opening on whatever lay behind it. I was halfway down the chute when I heard a snarl. It sounded familiar, like something I’d heard a million times, but louder. Between the two halves of the opening door, a head appeared, one green glowing eye glared at me, Pablo but much, much bigger. The creature bared his teeth, but in place of Pablo’s crooked smile, was a row of saber sharp teeth that a Grizzly would have been proud of. His head was three feet across and his shoulders came up past my waist. I froze.
From the murky darkness behind Pablo, shapes begin to appear. Out of the darkness came more teeth, more lolling tongues, more single green glowing eyes, an army of Pablos, all four feet tall and they looked pissed.
I looked back toward Remi. The same placid smile covered his face. It looked smug in this moment. He held out the saber. I moved toward him, the sound of claws scraping the steel gangway of the shoot echoing behind me. The Pabloes were coming. I ran, snatching the saber as I moved past Remi into the arena and turned back to face the snarling beasts. I squeezed, the saber came alive in my hand.
There were five of them, jet black and rippling with muscles. The spiny bristles that looked mangy on a five-pound chihuahua were terrifying at this scale. The spikes on their collars looked deadly. They fanned out in front of me. I widened my stance and moved with them as they circled to my right.
As the first one charged, I brought the saber around awkwardly, connecting the flat of the blade with the animal’s snout. It yelped and stumbled, sliding past me. The saber rattled to the floor, the blades receded. The other four beasts stiffened and quickened their shuffle toward me. I moved backward toward the saber, feeling for it with my right hand. The wounded Pablo scrabbled to its feet and turned on me.
As it ran toward me, I grabbed the cylinder of the saber and pointed it at the beast’s chest. The blades sprang from the weapon, one directly toward the Pablo, the other digging into the floor of the arena, as it had the wall. The dog leapt. As it came down on top of me, the blade punched into it’s chest, and it exploded into shards that fluttered to the ground. With a shriek it was gone.
I pulled the saber from the floor and stood, turning toward the other four. Seeing how easily the blade had cut through the animals hide and bone gave me confidence. I advanced toward the dog at
the left end of the line, moving to it’s left, keeping them all on my right. It turned to face me.
This time, it came in low, head first. I brought the saber down hard, between the creature’s eyes. The blade rang, and bounced back. The dog was stunned, but the bone in the skull had held. It moved left and reached for my leg. I brought my right foot up, much harder than I had that morning, and caught the Pablo under its chin, the dog’s head snapped back with a crunch and it evaporated into the same shards as the first one with a grunt.
There were three left. They spread further apart, one off each shoulder, the third directly ahead. They crouched, as if waiting for something. I looked from one to another, searching for any sign of movement. Which one would be next? Then they sprang, all three at the same time. There was only one option. I ran forward, head on into the dog in front. The saber pierced the animal’s neck and sliced down it’s body, black shards spilling out like entrails, softly falling around me.
I spun around, the remaining two Pabloes hit in midair and pushed each other back, landing on their hind legs. They turned as one toward me, and snarled, keeping their heads low, like the second one. They moved toward me quickly, driving me back toward the chute they’d come out of. My mind raced. I couldn’t strike from the top. The skulls were too thick. I couldn’t reach their bellies, and even if I did, I’d only get one, but the other would surely get me, unless I could get behind them.
I stood on the ramp, waiting. No way out, unless…
The dogs charged. I turned side on toward them, the saber blades one behind me, and one pointed between the two monsters as they ran toward me. Keeping the sword in line, I swung hard with my left fist toward the dog on the left, connecting with its jaw an inch from my leg. On the right, I kicked out, catching the remaining Pablo beside its right eye. The dogs were plunging past me, me in between them.
As they passed, I brought the back blade of the saber down, toward the floor until it passed me, then twisted so that one blade came up, underneath the left dog, while the other blade came down, on the rear legs of the right dog. I twisted the blades with both hands as hard as I could. The saber cut into both dogs at the same time. They screamed, their snarling heads coming back toward me, as they exploded into black shards.
I closed my eyes, my breath came fast, my whole body trembled. I ran up the ramp and searched the arena, for another attacker. There was none. I turned back to the door they’d come through, it was empty. My pulse slowed, and my breathing returned to normal. The blades of the saber retracted.
Remi sat on the pedestal, watching me.
I tossed the saber at his feet.
“I’m finished,” I said.
“You continue,” he said.
“What are you not understanding?” I shouted.
“It is you who are not understanding,” he said.
He stood and walked to one of the piles of shards. He reached down and scooped up a handful of the black pieces, then walked toward me.
“Now, you will see,” he said.
He opened his hand. The shards formed words.
*What’s the worst that could happen?* One line read.
*This is Creed’s fault, all of it!* Another read.
Remi blew into his palm and the shards rearranged.
*Student debt, the neighbor’s dog, my boss, rising rent, losing my job*
He blew again. They disappeared.
“Your thoughts, your focus, your life,” he said. He tapped me on the shoulder.
“You’re trying to tell me this is all my fault? But you saw that list,” I said.
“All your choices,” he said.
I started to argue. But, it was true. I’d taken on the student loans, because I didn’t want to work summers in high school. I’d chosen a job I knew I wouldn’t last in. I’d picked my roommate, knowing he was unreliable. I’d even left Pablo in my apartment.
“One common thread,” Remi said.
He was right. I started to think about the other “problems” in my life, and every single one of them was either something I’d chosen, or because of things I’d refused or forgotten to do. All the threads led back to me.
“I’m screwed,” I said. “It’s so obvious. If all of this is my fault, there’s no way out.”
Remi shook his head. “There is no way out, only a way in,” he said.
I looked around the arena. This had to be a joke. The whole world was telling me that video games were ruining my life, here he was telling me this game was the only solution? How much voltage had I taken to the head? I needed to wake up.
“This game, those doors, that’s the way in?” I asked.
Remi stepped toward me. He reached up and put one finger to my forehead.
“The way out, is in,” he said.
“Control your thoughts, create your destiny.”
He sounded like a motivational speaker I’d heard once at a Law of Attraction lecture I’d gone to with a cute girl. It hadn’t made any sense then, and I wasn’t sure I believed it now. But maybe he was right. He did seem to know something I didn’t. Of course, this wasn’t Remi, just my imagination of him.
Or was it?
I looked around the arena. Ten doors. I was pretty sure I didn’t have the strength for it. I needed some rest.