Rain, always reminds me of an event, an event that is suffocating, an event that made my heart a success rippling pain. As it is now the rain suddenly comes falling from the sky, calling for its fast and swift rumbling. The lightning bolted in a shudder, throwing out a scary lightning. I held my chest, resisting the thrill of the thud.my eyes were teary, breath heavy. Remembering memories that I can not forget even for a second. Obviously this is not a happy memory, but painful memories, memories that make my body tremble with fear, and my chest tightness, tears endlessly falling, instantly makes me feel vulnerable unbearable.
Ten years ago.the same rains are happening, soaking up the asphalt streets and trees by the roadside, even vehicles passing by must walk slowly. Not a few motorists choose to pull over, some pedestrians are also looking for a place to take shelter. Some are sitting on long benches available on the roadside.some people just choose standing around, talking, or daydreaming and glued to the expression of cold. Visibility of more than 10 meters has begun to blur a bit. Strong winds added to the rain's ferocity that afternoon. It's just that no lightning strikes snarl.
Exactly 10 minutes passed, after the person I loved the most said to have to leave.the rain still continues to fall unceasingly accompanied me.
"I have to go El .." he said choked up, his expression clearly showing sadness, suddenly the tightness in the chest burst my throat stuck tight. I know he felt the same tightness. I can feel in his eyes.not a year two years I know him, I really understand what Brother Chan is, though still I can not prevent and do not understand what causes him suddenly say want to leave. I still think he just cursed me, not seriously. But my guess is wrong. He really went away from me. The rain had soaked both of us. I cried my throat.I do not know if she also cried, because her face was already wet with rain water. I can not tell the difference between rain and tears. All I see is blushing red eyes. Sorrow can not be hidden in his gaze. I did not even understand it made.
It is true that the separation is certain. But I hate the name of farewell.why was it brought together if it was only to be abandoned? There is nothing but sorrow, bitter memories, even injuries.
"I'm not the best man for you El .." he continued quietly.his remarks made me understand more and more, "what's going on here, what do you mean Chan?" People who do not know, must think we are lovers when not so, even though I love her, but we are not lovers. I was still convinced that Chan just thought of me as a sister no more, but somehow he said it.not the best man for me? what does it mean? Is it that the relationship of brother who has been long established has grown into the love of lovers? Brother Chan loves me like what I feel? But why go away, does not that love stay instead of passing away? I do not know!
The reason given by Chan is quite classical, maybe this is just a subtle way of not hurting more deeply, or maybe avoiding a more detailed question.where is there a perfect human being? No is not it? It's all a process to get better, including me. I did not take Chan's words that he was not the best for me. In terms of what? Nothing to do is it? Too ridiculous. "You must be fine without me, believe me .." He holds my shoulder."All right, what are you doing, sister?" Finally I was able to issue a question. "Your sister why?" I repeated in a rebellious mind, I looked at her questioningly without blinking. "There is no happiness from an unexpected separation, let alone a loved one left." I continued inwardly.my tongue suddenly came out, not a word again spoken, did not complain only able to be silent, with a variety of questions that raged. Chan's brother just shook his head. A few minutes later he was turning away from me, running away from me, shouting me unable to make it stop, until finally I can only cry in silent statues in the rain of increasingly swift.I pulled over my car. In an atmosphere like this I can not afford to drive anymore. I'd better stop for a moment to calm my heart and mind. Sighing a few times, looking around the windshield of a condensed car, until the pain in my chest diminished and my breathing was slowly.Chan's sister as I call him, since I live in an orphanage, he is the first friend who gradually like my sister, even secretly I began to admire and want it, he is my first love, besides my parents.Chan's sister made me always want to be around her, Chan's sister who suddenly became the main reason why I smile myself, Brother Chan who changed my mood, instantly excited, or suddenly saddened by fear. The fear of loss that often haunts me.
This is how it started until I was in an orphanage.when I was only 5 years old, I did not really understand what was happening with my family. All I remember is that daddy is suddenly dragged by big men, with a typical black leather jacket. Mother cried begging for a little more time. "Please just a little time .." so whining mama. I can only cry frightened.maybe then, my family was in debt to the loan shark. Our house was confiscated, until we had to make our stay in a small contracted narrow alley. But suffering is not there.when papa tried to find a job, daddy became a hit-and-run victim, and died instantly, maybe mother is not strong with the situation, choose to go from the house and do not come back, menyisahkan me who kept crying endlessly. Until a contracted mother took me to the nearest orphanage.a heavy rain, with lightning strikes, as fat ladies wearing homemade houseboys carry me, take me to an orphanage and leave them there. I'm still crying. Mixed, scared, sad, confused, and the only thing I could do was keep crying.a 5-year-old boy above me tried to calm me down, and said do not cry when the rain does not stop. I was not persuaded at all, still crying incessantly, seduction of some administrators also unable to relieve my tears. Until finally I was tired and fall asleep myself.however, gradually I began to adapt to my situation, although I rarely communicate with my friends if it is not too important, except with Brother Chan. Probably because of his attitude that does not give up to continue to talk to me.
"Want this?" asked Chan, he handed me a chocolate bar, I just shook my head.this is the umpteenth time he persuaded me, and I took out my stance of shaking my head without saying a word. As good as any treatment of the orphanage, or friends here, still there is an empty space in my heart. In my deepest heart I kept expecting my mom back. One thing I believe that there must be a reason precisely mom left me."I promise I will help you find your mama" Chan said that I always remember, make me jump jumping joy "Really?" I asked with a glowing face. Chan nodded steadily. When I was 15 and Chan 20 years old, he was already working at one of the supermarkets in the biggest mall in the middle of town. I'm just starting high school.we grow like teenagers in general, even Sister looks more mature than his age. After work Chan always buys snacks for me and takes me to the park behind the orphanage. He has not lived in the home since work, and chooses ngekost near his workplace.on a very cloudy day from early in the morning, it was very heavy rain, I started to fret for Chan's sister to come home from work. Usually at 4 pm he was home, if he got shift work morning. It's already 5 o'clock, no sign of Chan's coming home. Yet despite the heavy rain he was almost never late to see me.every now and then I look out the window, deserted, only visible thick fog due to the increasingly heavy rains of rain. 30 minutes passed, at first glance I saw her figure running with a body soaked, I immediately came out and brought an umbrella, running small to come to him.but there are different, Chan's face is not as bright as usual, my feelings suddenly strange, my heart beat fast and pain slowly hung. Chan's sister was silent, and did not welcome my umbrella. His gaze was sharp and slightly stiff. "Sister?" I say softly. Chan's sister still paused, taking a deep breath. "I have to go El," he said softly, suddenly, but very clearly, meastonished, a farewell uttered from his thin lips. Without giving me a chance to get an answer, after I questioned the reason. Chan's brother immediately turned and ran quickly away from me.no matter how hard I shouted his name, trying to chase him but could not, I just stuck in a big question "why?" Brother Chan kept running did not turn a glance towards me, my body feels weak, sadness is suffocating only makes me lie limp in tears. Many times I mentioned his name, calling his name quietly.Chan's brother keeps running away, the farther away. Since then I have trouble finding it, both in kost where he lives, as well as in the supermarket where he works. I tried to guess for myself why Chan went, but I did not find any concrete answers at all. Everything was dead end, and the sadness that haunted me again, like dejavu, reminded me of my mother's departure.for some reason, I was determined to find Sister Chan. I want to question why he should go, also of course questioning our relationship, whether there is love in his heart, we are only a sibling, or something more.does he also feel it? a feeling of affection more than just a brother's sister?
The rain always made me feel sad and instantly ling-lung helpless, when the water came down from the throne of the sky, then also the crying in my heart began to mingle the grains of unseen sorrow.the rain always reminds me of stifling events, abandoned events and loss, incomprehension of the departure of the people I care about. 45 minutes passed, the rain was gone, I sighed thinly, removing tears that still moistened my cheeks, wiped them with a tissue and a little mirror in front of the rearview mirror.I took a deep breath once more and slowed my car slowly to go home as soon as possible. Ever since Chan went out in my mind was how smart I was, got a decent job, and had a lot of money so I could hire people to find Chan's mama and sister.that determination made me grow up to be a successful career woman especially financially, but the fact that finding those who have left me for no apparent reason is not as easy as I think. Finding them is as difficult as finding a needle in a straw, much less the information I have is not much. Clearly complicate the search.mom where is she now? every night i always miss you really never ever remember me, dreaming of me even miss me, as deep as i miss her? Brother Chan, does he really not miss me? Had he forgotten to keep his promise to help me find mom? "Mom, where are you guys chan?" "Can I meet just once with you?" Remembering they always make my tears fall unbearable.
