If It's Not Cheating, What Do You Call It?

Have you ever had this feeling like you did something, something wrong and you can't just admit it because you, yourself cannot explain what you've done wrong in the first place.

Disclaimer: What I am about to tell you is ME out side Myself—meaning, it didn't happen in real life but it felt like.

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I've heard a lot of talks and debates of whether it is okay to be friendly even if you are committed.
And when I say friendly, what I meant are the following;

being friends with someone your partner cannot tolerate or greatly opposed to.
sending harmless messages with intention of not showing or afraid of being caught by significant others
meeting him/ her by 'accident' with or without other people with,again no intention to mention his /her name when you talk about your day to your partner.

I used the word friendly because really I am not sure how should it be called. Based on my experience I would like to believe that I was just being friendly, But a close friend of mine would connote that the term "Emotional Cheating" is more suitable. But for now I wouldn't call it like that for it is too blunt and judgmental.

So going back, I come up with that question because as I've said earlier I've done something I am not proud of.

I was in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend Zach. I could say and even people around us would say that he is an ideal, the big catch. He is kind, faithful, loving, courteous and ambitious—yes, ambitious.

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Him being ambitious, is one of the reason why I admire him the most. But what comes with being one is that he can only spare a few time for me. So I just have to be contented with whatever little attention and time he showers me.

It was during this phase that out-of-nowhere an old friend of mine named Q sent me a harmless message.

It was just a simple, "Kumusta ka na?" [how are you?]

It's been such a long time since I heard from him. Out of boredom and curiosity I replied back. We exchanged messages and got hooked while reminiscing the past.

But here's the catch, though it was just a friendly message I can't make myself tell Zach that I was having a conversation with Q—To think that I am used to tell everything, EVERYTHING to him. I rationalized that there's no point telling Zach, for it might just cause a pointless misunderstanding by merely nothing.

Days passed and still I continued on exchanging messages with Q. I'm getting used to his messages that there were times that I'm looking forward for it more than Zach's messages. I would even feel a little annoyed if I haven't received any message from Q.

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And as days goes by it progresses to the point I’ll contact all of our common friends for reunions, dinner or even just to hang-out. It became my gateway so that Q and I can talk in person. [ I know. I know whats on your mind] But still during this time I still believe that I am just being friendly and so is Q. And whenever Zach woud ask me how my day went, I'll tell him almost everything about my day but never will I mention Q.

This continued for sometime, before I finally realized that it is for greater good to stop.

For the record, we've never had an overly intimate conversation (and maybe one of the reason I didn't feel so bad is because our conversation was more of relationship and life advices)

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And yes I stopped. You know why? There's this time when I really saw Zach in slo-mo trying to reach out, but he can’t and I cannot reach for him too and this is all because of the invisible walls building up between us.

I can see my Zach like the first time, the person who truly matters to me. And how stupid of me to be clouded with little attention and became unfair to the person who really had my back.

With this in my mind, I know it’s me who should break the walls. I need to stop and open up to Zach. I should stop being the person I promise him I wouldn't be, I'll never forgive myself if I lose the person I love because I'm busy being friendly with someone else. I am not going to choose novelty over loyalty.

So maybe, there’s still no words you call that phase in my life, Maybe that is just chivalry that was put malice on, or Maybe I really cheated—a self-centered muggle. But whatever it is keep yourself at bay. Know what really matters.

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And let's all make a stand.

If there's one thing I can be sure of is that if you can't be honest with your partner, if your guilt is eating you up, and if you start seeing walls— you need to retract.

For sometimes the so called "friendly" and "harmless," may not be really friendly and could be harmful for whatever good you have now.

“I think you still love me, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m not enough for you. I knew this was going to happen. So I’m not blaming you for falling in love with another woman. I’m not angry, either. I should be, but I’m not. I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” ― Haruki Murakami