Are our sexual identities more cultural than physical? How do you define yourself in terms of sexual orientation and gender? Why? What does it say about your reasons for having sex? Does it matter?
Why do we even define our sexual identity?
Like any identity, it’s used for easier recognition and connection between interested parties.
So what are your interests in sex? What is the purpose of having sex?
Does your identity define your choices in sex, or your choices define your identity?
I wanted to talk about this first, because it is a basis for how we engage in sexual activities. Sex is when we are at our most vulnerable, our subconscious runs free. But we, individually and on a societal level, offer many definitions, judgments and rules for this act of intimacy. I believe definitions are not needed - I believe sex is a wonderful tool for getting to know a person outside of social context, their roles and their life. When we are children and we touch each other just to see how the other one looks like - this is the sense of wonder I try to maintain even now. It’s a long game full of ups and downs, but you get to learn so much about yourself and others, about the world in general.
When it comes to gender - biologically, practically, realistically - there is a clear difference between a man and a woman. This difference is defined by their biological roles in terms of procreation. On that level, a man and a woman are undeniably and unchangeably a man and a woman, otherwise they are not able to procreate biologically.
However, our society is working hard on eliminating the need for humans to biologically procreate. Should AIs, biotech or VR become an integrated part of our society, would we have a need to biologically procreate? If three people walked into a gene-editing designer baby clinic and said we want a human (dog, cat) baby with the following features and characteristics, would it matter what gender and orientation these people are, a long as they took a legal obligation to jointly manage, control and perhaps dispose of their child? It is a question of who do we assign agency (responsibility) and based on what. If a foetus younger than 3 weeks is not considered a human, can something artificially created ever be?
Likewise, if AI ever reaches a point of independent intelligence (it’s all about that really), wouldn’t it be considered a child of its creator?
As exciting as our future prospects are, today we remain dependent on defining our genders, because we need to exchange information in order to connect and procreate. But if your definition of who you are in terms of gender doesn’t accurately describe your role in the game of procreation, then it’s a cultural statement.
If you are not planning on having a baby biologically, it doesn’t really matter how you define your gender. It offers zero value to the procreation process, that demands (has) only two inputs - male and female. Your definition of gender becomes cultural, societal, imagined - individual, your identity for a purpose different than procreation.
src: SARAH ROGERS/THE DAILY BEAST
To define gender for yourself, it means to take control of your cultural identity and to define your feelings and body in context of how you wish to connect to other humans.
Question of sexual orientation is closely related. Are you attracted to men, women, men-women, women-men, either or all together, mixed and matched, as long as it has a warm hole? Whatever your answer, therein lies the definition of your sexual orientation. But same as the definition of gender means nothing unless you want to procreate, so does definition of orientation mean nothing if you want to physically and intimately connect.
Ultimately, if we are having sex for reasons other than procreation (fun, curiosity, pleasure, power), we need others to see how we feel and what we think, in order to connect with them. Expression of self must be allowed to everyone, whether the self is expressed through art, fashion, accomplishments, gender or lifestyle.
So how do you decide your behavior? What do you decide are your likes and dislikes? Based on your experience (post-feeling), your fantasies (pre-feeling), based on what somebody told you (read, seen, culture) or on what society expects of you (politics, religion, systems, benefits), on your biological role as a human or do you refuse any definition, staying open for whatever feels right at any moment?
Can we ever truly connect if we are less-than an individual? Or does connection necessarily imply surrender, sacrifice, compromise of our values and habits? It’s a give and take. It’s a point from which power is born.
Be this all as it may - sexual identity and purpose is just one of the many, many aspects we have in this society. Same as you would reject definitions of who you are sexually, avoid defining yourself in terms of your social roles. The issue of acceptance and fruitful social functioning for people who are highly individualistic is a challenge one must face with courage and dedication. No one is obliged to help you or do things for you unless you yourself contribute more than just your opinions and identity. You are valued based on the value you provide for others - and whoever you are, whatever your identities are, this holds true. For some it’s harder than others, but don’t be lazy, be brave.
Biologically, I am a woman, but I don’t have sex with hopes of making a baby. It’s quite the opposite really. I am open to all roles and situations, and I engage with different people for many reasons - to feel the warmth, to satisfy a need, to express pain, to communicate and connect, out of curiosity, out of exploration. Out of love? Sometimes.
The Night We Didn’t Have Sex
In a bout of inspiration, after me and John purchased a chinese-made dildo and went for a beer, I sent a message to Smith. What are you up to tomorrow? He replied some two hours later, saying he’s available in the afternoon, but by then I had already used the dildo and were not interested in playing this game with him. So I didn’t reply. I washed the dildo, looked at it in wonder some more, and then felt disgusting and dirty. Today, he said hi, I said hi, I said what’s up, he said bed all day, what’s up tonight, I said i don’t know, I’m too anxious to go out, he said I wish I knew what to do and how, I don’t, that makes me anxious, she said we don’t always have to be wise, and we can’t really. He saw it but didn’t indicate so with a seen. There were a tense few minutes with them both online, thinking is it worth it? Is this other person worth getting out of the bed of? We didn’t have sex since last year, would we still like each other? We have a certain relationship now, would sex take us back to the silence? Do we want this enough to risk it? What would be the point of fucking each other? Since neither could decide, she went offline. She figured it would take the pressure of him and he would ask her to come over once she’s not there to see him want it while typing. She came back ten minutes later and saw that he also went offline when she did. He probably saw it as an absolution, sort of I concede, nothing happens tonight. Had he said he wants her, she would comply. Had she said she wants him, he would comply. But neither wanted to do that.
They were are too indifferent, self-involved and lonely to express desire for anything less-than, so everyone remained in their separate bed across the city, wondering if it will ever feel right with anyone.
Well, folks, that's my first article :) I hope it will provoke some thoughts in you, and I'd be more than happy if it inspires some discussion! In general, I will try to make every article have two parts - one in which I discuss questions and confusions in sex, and one that will be an ongoing story of real-life experiences.
Thank you for reading!