It was back then and everything was very white, by that I mean, only 'right' and no how else. There was no gray area that you could choose, or be any kind of DIFFERENT. Felt like there was no escape, for the dreaming kind, who see a little bit MORE and want to be...something else, proudly shout it out, be heard and bold and see a tomorrow.
And you could say, I was...the LEAST say, the 'black sheep' of my family, and everywhere I went, it followed me through my journey...
Mostly it was unlikely you'd LAST that way because those were the times, many topics were not discussable and everyone was like everyone else.
You'd get swallowed by the crowd into 'just like the rest' mass.
I don't know you, but by this, I could TRY to tell you what if feels like and looks like, when you know deep down, inside of you, that you are 'strange' and 'obscure' and something...ELSE, than the average human being and 'weirder' than the rest of the world. At least, that's how it felt like.
As a kid, I felt like it all started at kindergarten...
I was introduced to this 'smaller' group and I didn't fit in anywhere really. I did, and then I didn't.
One second, I am this strong, crazy brave Amazon, who boyz pinch and girls hate, and the next moment...laughed at little deer in headlights...'coz either I'd be too nice and overly sweet and quirky at times, or vulnerable and even weak and hell, let's all admit it...kind of MEAN and bosy. It's like these two parts of me were always fighting. I wanted REAL friends, true friends. But I sometimes had this commander in me, who wanted power, to fight the fight, and be also girly. Didn't always WIN exactly.
Trying to take control of myself by doing bad things. AS a kid...lying or trying friendships and their boundaries.
Not the best way. But I didn't care. I HAD to try, HAD to experiment with myself and the world and how things work.
THAT was my way. DEEP thinking and sometimes, ACTING on a whim. It sometimes felt like I was constantly on a DARE to myself.
But I was DARING. Even back then. AT those times. A TOMBOY.
I knew. I might be mocked at, unfriended for a day or two, but that was ME, ALL THE WAY.
I did the 'unpopular'. I'd come with rainbow striped overalls, my dad bought me from SWEDEN or cut my hair so short, I'd look like a devilish little boy. I HAD to SEE...the reactions or feel something. I was aware of the outcome, but I'd still do it.
That's how brave and lonely I'd get.
By this, I can only guess, but I was trying to prove myself that not just everyone, but we all are different and it's ok to WANT to be different. Til this day I don't know the EXACT reasson, but I can only TRY...to understand it as...a lesson, a discovery and experimentation. Through bravery and mockery, a long road, but so worth it.
The rest of them...vultures. It was a process to me of understanding and observation, but for them it didn't matter.
THEY didn't fit in. In MY world.
After not long, the small group changed into a bigger one. Dad's initiative. A childs answer would be...I don't want to talk about it. But you can imagine the trouble I always got in, by doing absolutely nothing...like the time I was in a group, all grils, we argued and I got the blame...but the rest didn't stand in my way of protecting me, quiet ensued. The betrayal was hard to handle. The world felt at fault.That's how I learn to trust myself best.
Sometimes I 'pleased'them, and sometimes...rebeled.
That's why I was no ones favorite and not the one the boys gush about and girls pick at games.
I rebeled for me. When I couldn't handle the quiet, couldn't stand to be still and...BORING to my mind.
Thank you for reading so FAR!
THIS will be a series, 'coz it takes my whole life, and I am trying to sum it up, in a fun and easy way to understand :)
THANK YOU!
Goda
Here is a story about my name :
https://steemit.com/introduction/@mylifeasgoda/here-s-a-little-story-about-my-name