When you rephrase the sentence: "I don't give a shit.", you might state something that actually makes a lot of sense. And I do not mean that you would rather give something else, instead of some shit. It is not common to use it as such in a day to day conversation. Like: "Hey there happy birthday to you. Because you know I do not give a shit, I actually went out and bought you a present!" That would just be silly.
No really, but you could rephrase it like: "Hey, I don't give a shit, so I'm gonna take one." Maybe that is as close it gets to why people do not want to give a shit. Because they actually let you know, subversively, they really need to take a serious dump. It could be that the expression on their face matches the pressure of experiencing the need to hurry to the shitter. And then let all the crap go. Imagine the relief of that.
Now I got to this thought because there was a conversation with a woman. And I know her as being quite straight forward. She is the 'right in your face' kind of person. Which is a talent in and by itself, I think. Sometimes I whish I could be more like that. It would safe me so much time and energy in my contacts with other people. Anyway, she works in a pub, so I guess, with all those blootered men about the house, she kind of has to be firmly direct in her conversation.
The Barmaid
Kirsten is her name, not that you may know her, but I do. And maybe you remember her from the 'moped' pub happening. Even though I did not mention her name before, now you know. For some reason she felt the need to tease me, a lot, well I think annoying me is a better description. Turned out, at the end of the night, she somehow fancied me, although I still do not understand why. Being of ripened age, divorced since before the time humanity came into excistence, I simply do not understand that kind of thing. And I was always awefully bad in recognizing when a woman flirted with me. Friendzoning myself, right from the first hello, that is my natural talent. And with the years advancing it only got worse.
Then I met Kirsten, quite the age difference, at least I thought so. But with her tongue deep throating me, at the end of the pub night, I was under the impression she might have a different opion about it. And she was sober at the time, which I thought was another hint that she could be serious about this. So after a couple of weeks I thought that it might be a good idea to give her a call. Actually to call it off. Because I saw a lot of bears on the road ahead. Which is not about Cryptos, as I forsee a huge bullrun coming up next.
Well, it turned out she was quite pissed off. Something about not keeping a woman waiting when you told her you would call her. And I made sure not to ask her what the time span would normally be. And I had not rehearsed it in my mind a thousand times yet, so I bluntly started like: "Hey Kirsten, listen, about the other night, right..." That made her even more angry, as I did forget to fit in the fact that it had been weeks. Where I thought that I could not make it worse I moved on with: "Even though I really like you, I think I did wrong by kissing you." And if you thought that would have had her disconnect, after telling me to go to hell, well no, not exactly.
Double D
"Listen Double D, it was me that kissed you, do not dare to take the fucking credit for that! And now you freaking call me after a few weeks to quit something you even haven't started!?", yep, she really sounded pissed off. And even though she seemed to be very angry, it was nice to hear her voice again. She ranted on and on, while I admitted the 'mea culpa'. "Yes, it is your fault, your mistake, but do not grovel as I cannot stand that!" Phew, that went rather well, and I did start to doubt my innitial fears. Breaking up before it even could become something real. But did I really want to take a chance, diving into the deep unknown? Now I started to realize that I actually had missed her a lot. Not a day had gone by where she had not been on my mind.
"Kirsten, I'm really sorry, I chickened out, as matter of fact I do miss you, a lot...", silence on the other side of the line. (Technically not a line, I know, but for the sake of the story.) Then after a while she said: "You know Coop, men do complain a lot about how complex us women are, but it is actually really simple." Finally an awesome woman would enlighten me. The mystery solved. According to the book my brother wanted to write it was all about 'The might of the pussy', which would be the title also. No logic, that was it and he could write an encyclopedia about it. But for me that was not it, there was more to it all. Once I saw a couple of pigs having it off and I did not want to be downgraded to that low level.
The locks and the keys
"Women have a 1000 locks inside and 1001 keys to match.", she continued. "C'mon Kirsten, that doesn't add up, men are better at logic, you added one extra key, while you missed out on one lock there.", I replied already knowing I was going to be sorry for that. Again a short silence, where a man knows deep down he's not spot on at all. "If you get one lock open Coop, I might greet you, in a neutral way.", yep, I spoke to soon. "You'd have to be special to me to even get 700 opened, won't get you inside my bed though." While she told me that I was thinking about how my brother may have been right. Us men are so easy, pussy promise held in front of us, in our mind, just like a carrot in held in front of a donkey, to have it move forward. "Are you still there Coop?"
"Yes, I'm all ears, go on.", and my mind started to wander off, thinking about that mystery key. "One moment somebody might have triggered 850 keys to be opened, while at the flick of a switch 770 get closed again.", well that made sense to me, as I think I had experienced that many of times, friend zone 101. "But, there is this one key...", and when she paused I had this spontaneous thought, which I just had to say out loud: "The one to open them all!" Again silence, followed by: "Coop you asshole, you just ruined my plot, hahaha!" She was a good sport. "Lord of the rings baby, yeah! You know, me mates and I once had the idea for an adult version of that, Lord of the Co..."
The level of me
"Hey sugar, I don't wanna know, I can imagine though it would be a very short movie. It probably would last for about 30 seconds right? Hahaha!" Damn that was harsh, it was more fun when me mucker Dave came up with the idea. "Don't you want to know your 'unlocked' level honey?" Well, it had crossed my mind, of course. Believing I finally unraveled the enigma that was 'the female'. Yet somehow I doubted if I wanted to know. "Don't know Kirsten, maybe not knowing everything actually would make me more happy." And again I managed to trigger a short silence, maybe 302 locks still open?
"You really need to do something about your insecurities Coop, although they're part of your charm, I have to admit. So, come on you silly, is it not obvious? You managed to trigger the key that unlocks them all..." Now the silence was on my side, after all my mistakes, my 'mea culpa', Kirsten still fancied me? "Listen Coop, I got an early short shift at the pub, I'm off at 12, how about you meeting me there at eleven?" Did I just enter something I thought I did not want? "Sure, I'll be there.", I replied, though I did seem to lack some confidence. "And be sure to bring your 'sleep over bag', as I wont be going home alone tonight...", still it did not really sink in well with me. Should I ask her to bring me mates to the pub, or not?
Off course I did not ask her that, but all of a sudden it did seem to become all too real for me to handle. "Kirsten, I will be there, but I'm insecure, I admit it. And I know now how I did fall in love with you, but you know..." Again I managed to induce a silence, one that lasted a bit longer than the other ones. "You ... you ... love ... Me... ?" Jaiks, my timing did not seem to have improved in all those years. "Yes, I love you Kirsten..." Damned, who says that? Must be that donkey going for the carrot. "But I'm scared shitless also. What would people say? My mates, they can act like real arses Kirsten." Silence again.
"You know what Coop, just be there, who cares what others 'think'? And your mates, they will just ask rude questions, you know that, do not worry about them.", she sounded so convinced, how could I oppose to that? "And about the rest, I do not give a fuck! To rephrase that for you: I'd rather take a fuck, from you. So, will you be there, without any of your mates, Coop?" And even though I can act like being quite thick, I actually got that and I made sure I got there at eleven...
And the rest of the story? Sorry, that's private, but let's leave it at that I had a great one!
When you don't give a shit.
Artwork by me.