ORGASMS-SPIRITUAL AND PHYSICAL
This weeks snippet from my upcoming book The Death and Life of Psycho Syd takes us back to 2013 when I was very sick recovering from the harrowing cancer treatment. I was given only a 20% chance of surviving 5 years! On top of this I had discovered my wife was having an affair. I tried to find refuge at the local Buddhist Meditation Centre.
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I understood that the pictures in my brain were just like clouds passing across a clear blue sky. They were impermanent. However, the floating visions of my wife with her new man while I was slowly dying of cancer were just too much to stomach as the rain fell from my sky blue eyes. I attempted to just focus on my breath entering and leaving my nostrils but after only one or 2 breaths the picture of the Wicked Witch copulating with her new fit and super healthy boyfriend just smashed up any possible short-lived relief from this relentless bad trip.
I religiously perused a mishmash of spiritual books in a mad last ditch effort to flee this present day lousy dream. I flipped each page praying that the elusive escape route would be discovered in the very next paragraph. They call me the seeker. I've been searching low and high. I hope to get what I'm after before the day I die.
My freaked out agonising mind movies were still driving me up the wall and up the bloody tree so in desperation I arrived at the door of the local Buddhist Centre for a meditation class. I had used everything to fight the bastard cancer and now it was paramount that I waged war with the identical urgent life or death mentality in this conflict with my unhinged tormenting mind. Will I glimpse the truth before it is far too late?
I sat with 7 other utopia seekers in a white room before a massive golden Buddha. I wondered if any of the other chasers of wisdom and salvation were ill and heartbroken with a screw loose just like me. A smiling rotund man with cropped hair and glasses draped in red and orange robes breezed in and sat elevated before us. He reminded me of one of those fat beaming Chinese Buddha idols that I had frequently spotted in Far Eastern markets. Would he be the spiritual guide to show me the light and illuminate the path to happiness?
To start there would be a 30 minute meditation session to help us still the mind so we could reside in a place of peace and calm. Yes, that is the refuge I am searching for. We were instructed to sit comfortably, to close our eyes and focus on the breath entering and leaving our nostrils as we listened to his guided meditation.
I followed his kindly southern English accented delivery as he spoke softly continually counselling us to concentrate on the breath. I found it nigh impossible to focus as thoughts and visions of my wife with her new partner kept jumping into my bloody brain and stabbing my soul. I returned to the breath ad nauseam but before you could chant 'Nirvana here I come' a picture of my wife shagging her new boyfriend, an image of my dear departed mum, a vision of my death from cancer, a replica of my house overseas or a mind movie of my poor kids after my death would scream into my very unstill mind. I just couldn't remain present as regrets and painful recollections from days gone by and fears of possible future occurrences repeatedly dragged me away from the right here right now. After an eternity a bell chimed and I slowly opened my eyes and mind to the shiny golden Buddha and a serene smiling Buddhist monk.
I waited eagerly for the spiritual guidance that would unlock my self imposed mental prison cell allowing escape from this place of suffering. Wang Chuck the monk began by recalling a German TV programme he had viewed many years ago. In the programme a hypnotist invited 6 males and 6 females to join him on stage. He then put them under his spell and explained that when he touched them on their shoulder they would have an intense explosive orgasm. Hold on a minute! What the fuck is going on? A Buddhist monk teaching about orgasms! He continued and revealed that when the hypnotist subsequently tapped their shoulders they would moan and groan in joyous ecstasy. Shit, I am at this class to let go of any visions of past moments of rapture and clear my head of the black thunder clouds drifting across my mind booming that future orgasms seem highly unlikely unless I decide to become a Manchester United fan and use my right hand! As well as fighting to rid my crazy tree of the shocking flashes of lightning highlighting my wife and her new bloke having sexual pleasure together. I had made a disastrous blunder in reflecting that this could be my Shangri La light years away from Planet Pain and Woe. It was just making the nightmare a lot bloody worse.
Well, maybe he wasn't a sex starved mad monk when all said and done because he went on to point out that it is all in the mind; you don’t need the external world to taste ecstasy and that the pure tranquil feelings gained from deep meditation are one zillion times more powerful and satisfying than a sexual orgasm. Wow, I’m off on my bliss trip to meditate now and when they finally lay me to rest to join the spirit in the sky you can have the consolation of thinking about me living in the perfect state of Nirvana. You can stick your physical orgasms up your arse! Now there’s a thought!
Another bit of useless info is that pig orgasms last up to 30 minutes. According to a quote from the “Queensland Government Primary Industries and Fisheries”, pig ejaculation certainly does last a long time relative to human ejaculation, and pig ejaculation is measured in minutes, not seconds. The largest estimate is 15 minutes, then add a possible second ejaculation of 15 minutes, that might be where the 30 minute number came from. Of course it depends on the pig!
Therefore if I don’t attain the blissful orgasmic state of Nirvana or fail to build up enough positive karma to return as a human being, I will be reincarnated as a pig. I will at least be able to enjoy lengthy periods of ecstatic frenzied long lasting physical elation with my corkscrew shaped knob before ending up as bacon on some fat bastard's butty.
A further 10 minutes meditation, where I struggled to stay present by focusing on the breath, before tea and biscuits in the comfy Buddhist centre lounge. The Nirvana seekers were a lovely heart shaped box assortment full of love and peace. We chatted about all things spiritual until the topic eventually turned to music. I asked Wang Chuck what his favourite song was. The holy one replied, "Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen"! I spluttered into my cup of spearmint herbal tea as I retorted, "My goodness you are a celibate monk. I was expecting a tune such as; Like a Virgin by Madonna." Everyone laughed including the monk. Good to see I haven't lost my sense of humour and repartee skills during these dark grim days.
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