I've been processing through a lot of childhood trauma that's just kind of remained in me in the background as these old emotional burdens that i never really dealt with. I mean when you're a small kid...you don't really have the tools or the vocabulary to do such things.
Perhaps this will become more so a point in the future of education - connecting an awareness to our emotions and feelings within learning. I know for certain this would have assisted me immensley as a youngster...especially so as i reached adolescence.
I was 4 years old when I was faced with my parents saying good bye to me for 2 weeks. I had no say in the matter whatsoever. I was being left with my grandparents. I had never been apart for much time from my parents up until then. I wasn't really given so much notice...or i didn't really take notice until it was like the last second before they said good bye to me...and it was then and there i went into this panic and this desparation of begging and pleading for them to either stay or take me with them. No real great explanation was given to me as to why i couldn't come...i suspect that my folks wanted alone time...something to that effect.
The experience was like great and tragic death...it was immensley upsetting to me. I was in tears to such extremes...eventually i think i past out from exhaustion from crying i was so distraught.
I do however recall realizing after - that I was ok, that i was still here and I am not bothered.
The initial bother was extreme though.
I became so angry too...like I had a most wild temper tantrum freak out and cries of agony...I was so hurt, like there were these feelings of betrayal though i didn't know what any of these words meant at the time...to put it simply it was like, "What the fuck mom and dad...you are my whole world and your saying no I am not invited to come with you..you are my family and you are leaving me and i have no choice whatsoever."
The experience was of like just completely sucking and that was it. Complete and total utter suck.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become devastated when I have no choice in the matter and I must say goodbye.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a pity pary upon experiencing such devastation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having felt justified in having an emotional temper tantrum because things were not going how i would like them to go.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making a big deal about my parents doing something without me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not really consider anyone else but myself and what I want and desire.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not caring about anyone or anything in my environment within having a temper tantrum.
When and as I see things are not working out as I would like...and or things unexpectedly change and I have no choice in the matter, I stop and breathe, I realize I am still here and in the depths of me I am totally fine. I realize things do not always work out...and that things happen unpredicatably in life at times. I realize it doesn't really make me feel better by reacting out a temper tantrum of sorts. I do realize that it's ok to cry when it just comes up naturally and that it's a normal thing that we do sometimes when we are processing things that are very dear to our heart and there's a real depth of connection there.
I realize this moment early in my childhood did also show me a real indepencne about myself that I could live for a long while without my parents and be totally fine...these people that I had such a dependence and connection to. in fact hanging out with gradma and grandpa ended up being a lot of fun...as there were all these new things for me to explore and play with.
I do remember it was so nice to hear their voice on the telephone after a bunch of days had past. I was no longer sad or dissapointed...or anywhere near devastated...in fact i was so curious to learn about what they had been up to. It was so cool to hear all about their stories. They had been in fact looking for a new house for us in another city.
Moving to another city as a youngster is a whole other story I will save for another time.
Sometimes it's just really cool to write out a little bit about an old memory to just kind of articulate things for yourself where it's like by writing it out you can see it more clearly and kind process a variety of things in a more wholistic way.
I commit myself to to introspecting my early child hood traumatic moments when and as they surface within me quite naturally. I realize that by taking a look at the things that pop up in me seemingly quite randomly...that there's a certain amount of closure you get when you put to bed...put to rest these old memories that were lingering with a taint of this burdensome victimization energy.
I realize that one specific line of self-forgiveness can be dramatically life altering in the very best of ways...and even quite unexpectedly so.
I realize the possibilities are quite endless in terms of my utmost potential as continue to live a live of self-forgiveness as like the expression of me care taking for myself in a way where I gift give to myself often on a daily basis.
I realize self-forgiveness is like a massively undervalued tool of tremendous support in substantiating our best psychological development and matuirty.
I realize self-forgiveness is like such a simple thing of greatness we can do for ourselves on a daily basis with very little effort.
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