"I've lost my way, a bit, Batman. I don't know what to do next."
"Get small, Joe."
"That again!" It's not easy getting small. Like dying---the death of your defenses, your importance. Batman's normal size is two and a half inches; he doesn't have this problem. His advice regarding the big picture is dependable, but the details are up to me. I don't know what to do. That's part of the death.
One of my buddies from the 19th century is Anthony Trollope. He wrote two thousand words a day, published 47 cheerful novels, and liberated himself financially. He was a contemporary of Charles Dickens, which indicates that he did not lack self confidence. At this point in my story, Trollope might say, The reader will allow me to note occurrences in Joe's recent past which may be helpful in understanding the events to follow.
O.K.
I fell for a beautiful woman. She was not spectacular in the way of Sophia Loren or Bridget Bardot or the superbly sexual let-it-all-hang-out Marilyn Monroe, movie sirens of my youth. She was clear, direct, hopeful, and flawless. Moreover, she had been raised in a happy family and had been educated in the finest schools.
Children excepted, life after twenty-two had offered little for her. She coasted into a slow gallant decline which only added to her appeal. She lived alone in a marriage of convenience. Why not be happy? I asked her. She warned me away. I didn't listen.
The resulting three years found me crushed and muttering on the other side of the world where I began to rebuild. And now I'm supposed to get SMALL?
O.K.
It must be done. I walked to the Writer's Club Wine Bar, the one place where I'm sure not to meet any writers. I am Joe Burke The Tiny. I forsake all claims. My books were written by someone who isn't here any more. The curve of the chin of the Thai bartender is what matters. The clock is ticking slowly, clearly.
At the next table a French mother in her forties shepherds her four children and husband with quick smiles, short exchanges, hints of disapproval, and loving glances, especially for her son Alpha Male, his broad shoulders and muscle shirt. Pere is pleasant, bemused, enjoying his drink. He has another life or an inner life. Maman is dressed tastefully and casually, at the top of her powers. She notices me watching. If I could, if it would help, I would tell her about the shadows gathering in the faces of her children.
I am smaller. Not there yet. If you are proud of being small, you are moving in the wrong direction.
~
This morning: barefoot construction workers are installing sewer pipe.
In a cafe, the son of unhappy parents raises his voice until he is rebuked, any response better than none.
Japanese visitors walk by, protected by their breathtaking good taste, different versions of the same dream. You don't want to disturb them; a vengeful guardian of beauty might appear and do who knows what?
Lila Thai's masseuses learn their trade in the women's prison; they know something about humility. I went in to get more bigness pushed and kneaded out of me. As the masseuse worked on my neck, I opened my eyes and saw the underside of her chin and the chubby, flattened, non-judgmental face that watches, carved and gilded, over much of Asia.
Afterwards, on the street, fear began to leave, brittle moths flying out from beneath my shoulder blades. I crossed over to say hi to Goose. "Ronk" is actually what I say.
"Ronhnnnk." Goose seemed down.
"Ronk, ronk." I was encouraging. Goose is usually in a good mood, resting, cleaning his magnificent feathers, or looking for bugs to eat. He is kept in a yard separate from the ladies and is lonely at times. I noticed a hole the size of a small coin in the webbing of one large yellow foot. Did he step on something sharp? Or had it been made to use for tethering? A sad thought. "Ronk."
Batman was gone when I returned home. There was a note, "Trouble in Bangkok."
In the morning, he was back at his post on the window sill. "What happened, Batman?"
"No problem, Joe. Not as fast as I was, but I can still get it done."
This was a major speech. I checked the Bangkok Post. There was a brief story about a robbery foiled by the collapse of the escaping burglar who said he'd been hit in the eye by a bird. A newsprint photo showed a gray-haired woman bowing to the police.
Give away all credit. That was one of Batman's maxims.
I walked outside and headed for the market. Sunny. Fresh and cool. Suddenly I was small. The odd thing about smallness is how much room there is to feel grateful.