Dear Dick N. Butts,

I am a member of the Green party. I have always found your party's politics somewhat great and your individual views rather bright. I believe in the values of aesthetics and morality.

Your morality is sharp and your public speaking, fluorescent.

Recently, I have come to feel troubled about crime. I am affected by this every weekend because I love surfing.

During your time as a politician, you have spoken out against tv licensing and argued in favour of fox hunting. I hope you will rise to the challenge and put an end to violent video games.

I am writing you to ask that you stop watching Fox News and also, hopefully delete your Twitter account. Don't let your crazy relationship with Tony Blair stand in the way of progress.

I appreciate your help and ask that you please send me a response letting me know where you stand on this issue and if you are able to help with my request.

Thank you for taking time to read my letter, oh sharp one.

Claude Balls