Sexy Shadow Bunny
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man
INT. A GREASY DINER - AFTERNOON
Scary REDDIT CURATOR MR HARRY BALLS is arguing with flirty ONLINE SPACE NINJA MR BEN DOVER. HARRY tries to hug BEN but he shakes him off.
HARRY
Please Ben, don't leave me.
BEN
I'm sorry Harry, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
HARRY
I am such a person!
BEN frowns.
BEN
I'm sorry, Harry. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
BEN leaves.
HARRY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, lickable SOFTWARE LORD MS. ALLOTA FAGINA barges in looking flustered.
HARRY
Goodness, Allota! Is everything okay?
ALLOTA
I'm afraid not.
HARRY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ALLOTA
It's ... a Shadow Bunny ... I saw an evil Shadow Bunny snuggle a bunch of racists!
HARRY
Defenseless racists?
ALLOTA
Yes, defenseless racists!
HARRY
Bloomin' heck, Allota! We've got to do something.
ALLOTA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
HARRY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ALLOTA
I was...
ALLOTA fans herself and begins to wheeze.
HARRY
Focus Allota, focus! Where did it happen?
ALLOTA
a park! That's right - a park!
HARRY springs up and begins to run.
EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
HARRY rushes along the street, followed by ALLOTA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.
EXT. A PARK - SHORTLY AFTER
BESS TWISHES a sexy Shadow Bunny terrorises two racists.
HARRY, closely followed by ALLOTA, rushes towards BESS, but suddenly stops in his tracks.
ALLOTA
What is is? What's the matter?
HARRY
That's not just any old Shadow Bunny, that's Bess Twishes!
ALLOTA
Who's Bess Twishes?
HARRY
Who's Bess Twishes? Who's Bess Twishes? Only the most sexy Shadow Bunny in the universe!
ALLOTA
Blinkin' knickers, Harry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sexy Shadow Bunny in the universe!
HARRY
You can say that again.
ALLOTA
Blinkin' knickers, Harry! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most sexy Shadow Bunny in the universe!
HARRY
I'm going to need pillow, lots of pillow.
Bess turns and sees Harry and Allota. She grins an evil grin.
BESS
Harry Balls, we meet again.
ALLOTA
You've met?
HARRY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...
EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young HARRY is sitting in a park listening to some alternative rock music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.
He looks up and sees BESS. He takes off his headphones.
BESS
Would you like some chocolate?
HARRY's eyes light up, but then he studies BESS more closely, and looks uneasy.
HARRY
I don't know, you look kind of sexy.
BESS
Me? No. I'm not sexy. I'm the least sexy Shadow Bunny in the world.
HARRY
Wait, you're a Shadow Bunny?
HARRY runs away, screaming.
EXT. A PARK - PRESENT DAY
BESS
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
ALLOTA
(To HARRY) You ran away?
HARRY
(To ALLOTA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
HARRY turns to BESS.
HARRY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
HARRY runs away.
He turns back and shouts.
HARRY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with pillow.
BESS
I'm not scared of you.
HARRY
You should be.
INT. LANCASTER - LATER THAT DAY
HARRY and ALLOTA walk around searching for something.
HARRY
I feel sure I left my pillow somewhere around here.
ALLOTA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly pillow.
HARRY
You know nothing Allota Fagina.
ALLOTA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, BESS appears, holding a pair of pillow.
BESS
Looking for something?
ALLOTA
Crikey, Harry, she's got your pillow.
HARRY
Tell me something I don't already know!
ALLOTA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
HARRY
I know that already!
ALLOTA
I'm afraid of bunnies.
BESS
(appalled) Dude!
While BESS is looking at ALLOTA with disgust, HARRY lunges forward and grabs his deadly pillow. He wields them, triumphantly.
HARRY
Prepare to die, you sexy carrot!
BESS
No please! All I did was snuggle a bunch of racists!
BEN enters, unseen by any of the others.
HARRY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those racists were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Harry Balls defender
of innocent racists.
BESS
Don't hurt me! Please!
HARRY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these pillow on you right away!
BESS
Because Harry, I am your mother.
HARRY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.
HARRY
No you're not!
BESS
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
BESS tries to grab the pillow but HARRY dodges out of the way.
HARRY
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, BESS slumps to the ground.
ALLOTA
Did she just faint?
HARRY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly pillow.
HARRY crouches over BESS's body.
ALLOTA
Be careful, Harry. It could be a trick.
HARRY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Bess Twishes is dead!
HARRY
What?
HARRY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
ALLOTA claps her hands.
ALLOTA
So your pillow did save the day, after all.
BEN steps forward.
BEN
Is it true? Did you kill the sexy Shadow Bunny?
HARRY
Ben how long have you been...?
BEN puts his arm around HARRY.
BEN
Long enough.
HARRY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Bess Twishes.
BEN
Then the racists are safe?
HARRY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable racists enter, looking relieved.
BEN
You are their hero.
The racists bow to HARRY.
HARRY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Bess Twishes will never snuggle racists ever again, is enough for me.
BEN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the racists passes HARRY a plastic ring
BEN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
HARRY
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.
HARRY
Well, if you insist.
HARRY takes the ring.
HARRY
Thank you.
The racists bow their heads once more, and leave.
HARRY turns to BEN.
HARRY
Does this mean you want me back?
BEN
Oh, Harry, of course I want you back!
HARRY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.
HARRY
Well you can't have me.
BEN
WHAT?
HARRY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a Shadow Bunny to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
BEN
But...
HARRY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Allota.
ALLOTA grins.
BEN
But...
ALLOTA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
BEN
Harry?
HARRY
I'm sorry Ben, but I think you should skidaddle.
BEN leaves.
ALLOTA turns to HARRY.
ALLOTA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
HARRY
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly ALLOTA stops.
ALLOTA
When I said I'm afraid of bunnies, you know I was just trying to distract the Shadow Bunny don't you?
THE END
