“One batch. Two batch. Penny and dime.”
Zain was a comics fan. He loved The Punisher. “One batch. Two batch. Penny and dime.” was something Frank Castle uttered before doing something crucial in his life. A constant reminder of his past blunders. It became a habit of Zain’s to mutter this before doing something which will change the direction of things. And that night, he changed things.
He always considered himself as a realist emotionless robot. People perceived him as a pessimist, but he hardly cared about people. After a four-year relationship culminated into a horrible breakup with his girlfriend cheating on him, Zain was decimated. It was a blow which took him weeks to process. Solitude had been his best friend for years, and solitude was there when he hit rock bottom. This time, however, he did not need solitude. It took him a long, long time to move on. He emerged better, stronger. He became someone sans any emotion. Practiced smiling in front of a mirror. He picked up his shattered self and moved on.
He resolved on one thing which he was sure he’d be adamant on.
“Never will love.”
Three years later….
The reminiscence of that resolution made him smile. He vowed never to fall for someone, but fate had other plans in store for him. He eluded the fact that he loved her, and destroyed his friendship with her in the process. His determination was tested very thoroughly. Alas, he failed.
The love had pained him for months now. Something hurt inside his chest. It felt as if a glob of something complex was stuck between his ribs. He had to tell her everything, hoping he’ll get some closure. He already knew she’d say no to him.
Today was the day he was going to confess to her about everything. He had never been so anxious in a long time. The sudden thrill, the rush of adrenaline made him afraid so much that he couldn’t do it in person. He stared at the contact on the phone blankly.
Tannu, it read.
Tannu.
Whenever he saw her, nothing else mattered. The rest of the universe faded into the background, all spotlight on her only. She was his gravity. The person to whom he was pulled towards.
“One batch. Two batch. Penny and Dime.”
He had been prepping for this conversation for almost a week now. For this one conversation, he had a million ones in his mind.
He called her up.
“Hey Tannu, are you free now?” he asked. He was sweating profusely.
“Yeah. Tell. “
“I had to talk to you about something. “
“Okay. Go on. ”
“I,uh.. umm, okay.. I wanted to tell you that, uh.. okay, damn I’m out of words now.”
“Oh god Zain! Just speak up already, you idiot. “
A minute of silence. He began to doubt over what he was going to do.
“Do not think so much. Go for it. So much thinking has already made you so miserable. “
“The thing is Tannu…”
“Yeah?”
“The thing is, I love you Tannu. “
Silence. He could have sweared he heard the wind blow, that’s how eerily silent the atmosphere had become.
“You do realise that the term you just said, how powerful it is.”
“Yeah, I know. This isn’t something instantaneous. I have loved you for months now. I’ve thought a lot about this a lot. And I am in my full sense when I tell you this. This is something beyond my control. I am sorry I am telling you all this now, given that your life is a mess as it is. I’ve riddled you up further.
I had planned to tell you this someday in the future, but I just couldn’t hold it anymore. I destroyed our friendship because I never told you the truth. Keeping this in has made me a miserable man. I just don’t want to be miserable anymore. I just wanted you to know. “
“Okay, now this is something very unexpected.
Zain, you know what is going to come out of all this. You know the issue. Our families can never agree. We follow different religions. This society just wouldn’t accept. “
“Yeah, I know. As I said, I just wanted you to know. I was told not to hope for anything. And I am trying not to hope for anything. “
“I really appreciate you telling me this. It’s very courageous of you to tell me this even though you know this won’t work out. I respect you for that. And I am pretty sure we will be better friends now, now that I know everything. “
“Is it wrong of me to ask for one small chance? “
“Zain, please don’t.”
“Look, I know it’s an insane thing to ask. But can’t we try to make this work out? I don’t care about society. Society isn’t going to keep me happy. What matters is you, and I don’t care about anything else.”
“You know me, Zain. I never take risks. This won’t have a future. I won’t go against my parents. I just can’t let go of people I love for one person. I am sorry. “
“Yeah, I know. I am sorry, I am not able to think logically at all. I just can’t stop hoping because I want to work this out.”
“Zain, please don’t. Please.”
Silence.
She spoke again, with a tone of pity.
“Why Zain? This is.. I feel so terrible for you.”
With a heavy heart, he just said, “Yeah.”
How on earth could she understand the turmoil he has been enduring?
The conversation went on for about 2 hours. He felt a bit better after it ended. At least she knew how he felt for her. Maybe he’ll get a chance. Maybe not.
He loved her, and nothing else mattered anymore. She did.
She became his centre of the universe. His world revolved around her.
Their friendship didn’t get better. In fact, it went for the worse. They seldom talked. Their friendship was just formal. Zain felt guilty about letting it all out.
He made a mistake.
The pain….. it had not vanished away.
“Religion. It is a good thing to believe in God. A superior force. God created all of us. We pray to him.
But did God ever tell anyone to love a person of your own religion? Did he hardwire us to love someone on the basis of their religion?
I am a Muslim. Tannu, a Hindu. Religion teaches us to love, and yet the same thing prevented it from happening. Why does is matter what society thinks? Does society provide you with everything? People of this society calumniate your success. Why should their opinion bear importance more than your own personal happiness? I feel suffocated when I think about people around me. What is it about Tannu? Unrequited love? Yes. I love Tannu. What matters to me is Tannu. Nothing else. Why do I care what religion she follows? At the end of the day, we all turn to the same superior force, our Creator, who is being maligned by being given so different names and classified in religions. Religion teaches not to hate other religion, when religion is all about love. The irony. Because of the degenerate thinking of this society, love has been made a taboo. Because of this, I am deprived of a chance at being happy with someone.
I got love. Where’s the eternity with it?
This isn’t the end of the world for me. As it is with everything and everyone, this too will eventually pass. I will resolve again not to love, and I know that yet again I will. It’s just one of those things beyond my control. I just hope that the next time maybe it’ll work out.
I hope I find the center to my universe around whom I revolve forever.
I hope love finds eternity. “
One of the million conversations Zain had every night he hasn’t been able to sleep. His friends tell him to move on, that she’s not the only one, that he’ll find someone better than her. Is it easy to move on? Is it? Everyone consoled Zain about it, but only he knew the battle he has been fighting with himself. He feels how badly he’s losing to himself. The hope that one day maybe Tannu understands and gives him a chance.
Eternity is imperative for love.
To be continued.....................
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