5 months and 11 days of complete sobriety.
Well, except for coffee and the occasional cigarette - but that's what groups of "recovery people" all do! And after all, we are social creatures. Which is why I'm not at a black out party right now. I am in a recovery house with a sleeping roomate in this same shared bedroom so that I can't turn a light on to read a book without disturbing him. So I shall be basked in LCD light while I type...
Today I had a craving for weed (again)- But none for alcohol. Alcohol was my biggest, daily, from morning till night , consume until I can't speak or walk, drink until I'm broke or in a blackout, crutch.
So I am most definitely going to lay out my entire story on this platform, but I think its important that the time feels right. So in the meantime, I will simply journal here. In true "black and white 7 day challenge" - If that even is the thing that I think it sounds like it might be - which to me is a journaling in only black and white challenge... but who knows. Maybe someone will see this, comment, and set me straight. I am new to all of this straight WPM stream of conscious thing.
What I am used to, is getting in front of a camera and letting it rip. Going live on Youtube was my best friend for fighting "perfection paralysis" - because whatever you did, was done. So you weren't in the past or too much in the future, but just in the present. They call it that for a reason indeed, because it is all that is promised, another eternal now.
So very excited for future nows on D tube, as YouTube has gone the way of cassete tapes and 8 bit nintendo. however, I am an antiquated person who is stuck in my ways so typing is cozy. Blogging is cozy. reading books is awesome. Youtube creation and editing became another addiction in early recovery. But uploading videos to D tube, well... I'm going to have to watch some more tutorials first...
So for now I type.
Today marks a good amount of time off the sauce for me and I am just so grateful that my desire to drink has completely left me. I do, however work a 12 step program and I HAVE surrendered to the idea that I can NEVER drink like the rest of you (at least the majority of people - even if they are just closet binge drinkers)
- I wasn't a binge drinker or a maintainence drinker, I was both. I never discriminated in when, what, or how much I drank. And rarely did I discriminate in what other substances I used, either. Anything to get me away from feeling all of the feelings that come with the ups and downs of life.
So even though my job is difficult, (I'm a 36 year old college dropout who has picked up, started and put down more pursuits than most people even consider in their life) - who's main stumbling block was the one thing I should have put down, but didn't, was the intoxicants.
So today I am grateful just to be sober one day closer to the 6 month mark that might roll off the tongue nicely when I can proudly tell my poor mother and family about picking up that chip (or keytag, depending on what fellowship I'm at) - but just having that to look forward to, even though in my head "the worst of the craving flatlines is over" - but I know I haven't yet arrived. I walked many miles into the woods in the wrong direction, so to speak, so I have many miles to walk back out. I don't particularly feel like journaling very much more at this moment, perhaps I'll watch some content and revisit this post. Maybe get my daily gratitude hack of the local mugshots. And do some stepwork. Maybe write a poem... LIBERATED (non traditional) -HAIKU IT IS!
new serenity
is in switching addictions
addiction to LIFE.
My reasoning is
why go back to suffering
I know that road well.
It's a great saturday night to be sober.
I know Exactly what I'm missing. But its calm and cool, and quiet in this room. I'm so blessed to be alive.