I realize a cheat is an inferior play and player - one who cheats is coping with life because they don't really know how to play for real. Once A Cheater, Always a Cheater
Here I get myself caught up in a bit of morality and self-judgement.
I'm recognizing this tendency to go into a gutted guilt experience within recognizing old programming. I realize it's ineffective to forgive if there's still judgement/opinion about the point.
I do realize I've held onto some morality for my actions and that it has conflicted with my best results. I mean even the very "choice" within morality of right action versus wrong action - is super questionable.
We have a world of cheating. Cheating in all kinds of ways. Cheating is like this thing that's kind of weird in and of itself - because it's an outflow of the "policing", "rule enforcing" competition reality. It's easy to say it's not so - there's no real competition going on or there's no real policing and rule enforcing it's just a "functioning society".
Is our society really functional? It's pretty dysfunctional from the perspective that as a species we haven't figured out how to co-exist and share the resources here. Since forever ago there's been a war games strategy and paranoia play-out of fighting/competing for resources. Meanwhile - people are dieing of malnutrition every single day. Oh - and there's so much shit that's been dumped in the waters around the globe as like "hiding the waste"...the shortcuts, that aquatic life has been taxed super hard.
Hey - Aquatic life getting taxed super hard is just like what the human does to itself. It's normal to be taxed. It's pretty ridiculous when you think about it.
It's popular to say that's just nature - look at nature and the fighting.
Is it possible that the nature we look at is actually just mimicking the human nature in many ways - because I mean there's no more of a nasty fucker than the human. You yourself might not think of yourself as all that bad and basically just good - that's your opinion. Point here is that we are all here existing on a planet where it's about competing for resources. Where the more clever you can be - the more you are rewarded - this cleverness is regarded and justified as "the nature of the game".
Planet Earth is suppose to be a party for all Life here - an Epic jungle gym of wild life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding onto an experience of guilt in recognizing that in one way or another I've been a cheater my whole life.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for taking offense to the fact that I've been cheating since I was a little boy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for holding myself in a state of guilt for my past mistakes.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify holding myself in a container of guilt.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing how subtlely and even very intensely I've kicked my ass by guilt tripping myself - justifying this police officer in the head way of thinking.
I realize that there's no real good feelings that emerge from doing self-forgiveness and calling myself out on my mistakes.
I realize that there's no real bad feelings that emerge from doing self-forgiveness and calling myself out on my mistakes.
I realize there is a sense of self-satisfaction in caring for myself - like there's a vigor and vitality of myself that comes through - wakes up...*as like woah I've been a sleep at the wheel...I didn't even realize how extensively I've been pressing on myself - so there's a body experience of loosening up tension and strain within myself.
Self-forgiveness is a way to settle the debts I've been holding onto within myself in one way or another and conscious or not have been re-acting out over and over. I realize the value in settling my debts as the words in me that have existed with charges against myself in separation of the balance of life as equal and one.
When and as I see myself going into the experience of guilt - I recognize the self-judgement here and the self-punishment and self-scolding here - and there's a point of remorse and shame that is valid in realizing and learning from a mistake. It's a point of recognition of the point being a fuck up. I realize there's a subtle point here for me to stop victimizing myself, going into a superior or inferior judgement where I make myself to feel better or worse as a result of the application of self-forgiveness.
I realize that much of my initial self-forgiveness applied was in vain - as it was a huge rush - like recognizing I done all this fucked up shit and wanting to atone as quickly as possible and feel better because it was clear to me that I was feeling like shit. Self-forgiveness in this way is kind of limited. If the starting point of self-forgiveness is for your feeling in the moment - then there's an issue with feelings and it's like you want to control your feelings. I mean that's kind of fucked up. Obviously there's a lot of people doing that - where it's like being so uncomfortable with so many experiences of yourself that you would want to actually manipulate yourself to such an extent that you control the experience of yourself because of the 'feeling' - that right there is concerning from the perspective of addiction where it's like you are controlled and influenced by a particular state/feeling.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled and influenced by emotion/feeling states.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I have manipulated and controlled my emotion/feeling states as my way to remain in my comfort zone and experience a sense of control within myself and my reality.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for never really investigating the extent to which I deliberately work to control my 'mind set' and my 'frame of mind'.
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to self-censor myself from the perspective, worry and concern about others re-acting to my words in some way and the generating an experience of unpleasantness or discomfort.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing and understanding the extent to which I've mostly been servicing peoples emotions and feelings as like to soothe and cuddle people within their comfort zones - out of a point of self-compromise and self-sabotage from the perspective that I've always treated people how I want to be treated - I didn't realize how I've been treating myself has been less than stellar.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for speaking to people in a weak kind of way where I just kind of coddle and soothe bullshit because I fear for my survival if I am to be real and not worried about another's reactions, judgements that I may compromise deals and opportunities for myself and the person will get upset with me and all of a sudden I become 'too much'.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for not realizing the self-censorship within myself and so the world.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for making sense of self-censorship.
I realize self-censorship has it's moments of exposure and non exposure. That there is the very point of our individual self-honesty and that includes using discernment, discretion, consideration and regard for others in your communications - what this regard for others means is to actually be sensitive to the insensitivities here. There's no real value in blasting off on the already overly sensitive with insensitivity. Or is this in selective moments? Use your best discretion and investigate all things and keep what is best.
I realize the tendency of wanting to over define things within the context of 'good and bad' and 'right and wrong'. I realize things are not just one or 2 dimensions here - that there's a whole spectrum of dimensions here and to get caught up being limited in regard for the dimensions here would be a self-imposed limitation on the range of possibilities here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for having a tendency to be righteous within my realizations - like having this undercurrent of anger within me where it's like ahh I just got to say this - blast this off. I realize it's important for myself to let go of all the subtle undercurrents.
In a world of cheating being the dominant play - who am I to judge anyone for cheating?
It's important to bring attention to the design of our system as cheating - for sure - is it to punish everyone here for being a cheater in some way or another - I think not.
When and as I see myself getting caught up in the morality of my acceptances and allowances - I realize this is a mind fuck and that it's unnecessary to hold myself hostage within morality judgements. I forgive myself. I commit myself to exposing the fuckedness of morality in our world today.
When and as I see myself judging myself for something that I didn't previously realize - I stop and breathe - I realize this part of me is brand new - I'm in the midst of my own change - and to take offense or defense to change itself is silly - I commit myself to embracing the change I want to see in myself and so the world.
Let me know what you think - Have you any perspective and or support on this topic of investigation.?
For me this is a real eye opener into the extent in which our best response ability can be compromised within imprinted mind programming from years earlier.
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