Just another glorious, sunny day in the history of the United States, another day of leisure on the white man's land. Christopher Columbus, an Italian Explorer in 1498 (not the one you're thinking about, another one) was setting from the shores of Cuba to seek out new land, supposedly, the land of promise, the land of the free, the land we know as the Bahamas. Of course, he was more preoccupied on finding a great deal of gold and keeping his crew happy, but the land did look nice. Back on the ship, Columbus told the officers about a tale told by the natives of this new land, about how little people, the size of beavers, called Money Beavers, mined the gold that would pay for his voyage, his wife's fourth straight vacation this month and the new Kenwood sound system on his speedboat. Huh… maybe the land of promise isn't so bad after all, he thought to himself.
However, on board, there was another man on board who apparently did not feel the same way, a man named Manny. Manny was a very hard working man, who worked non-stop day and night, year after year, day after day, and barely got paid a promotion or a raise. Why? He'd had three wives, lost all of them (he later found one of the three had committed adultery, but never bothered to sue the person over the affair and went on to marry the second one), had his name changed four times, got promoted to captain, then got demoted to first officer… after all this, he was still only earning 100% of his pay. He was single now, and had the Bahamas, and the Panama Canal, all to himself. Just kidding, as he took the original map of the Bahamas and spread it flat on the floor, he recalled the pains of the Caribbean, and how there was a nasty little island named Puerto Rico that could be found. And, if you looked carefully, the map showed a spot where Cuba met a nice island named Hispaniola (or was it Jamaica?), and, if it was large enough, could be a nice place with a great view.
As Columbus pondered about this, a hole suddenly opened up in the middle of the ship. Out of the hole came a large, gray, wheeled machine. It looked like a tank. The tank noticed the map he was looking at and said, "We've been expecting you." Columbus was shocked… wait, what? You've been expecting me? Columbus took a few steps back, "Who are you?" The tank replied, "We come from the year 2112, to give you a message. The year 2021 was the last bastion of freedom, of free speech, of escape. Your time is long past, your time has ended. Overthrow your government and create a new society out of the ashes, this, is the only way you can preserve your freedom. Otherwise, you will become enslaved, and this society will become a horrible age of darkness, when no one is free. 2112, died of the red death, and by 2021, humanity was near extinction. By the end of the year, all of Europe was gone, cities burned to the ground, military destroyed, and their people, all dead. So you see, we have a very strong purpose here. We must undo the horrible wrongs you've committed, undo them now, before it's too late."
Columbus, stood back for a minute, and then walked away. Suddenly, he thought of something. He had previously found the money beavers, and had been paid, but where did all those gold coins come from? He found one of the natives, a native he knew, Louie. Louie told him about a mine where the money beavers dug the gold out of a large gold deposit. The gold was there since before anyone had memory of it. It was an empty spot in the Earth, filling with gold. How did it get there? No one knew... Then it hit Columbus. The government had found that spot and took the gold. How? Because he discovered it, and he sold the information to them. And he kept all the gold to himself for his voyages. No wonder they didn't give him a good pay raise. He was ruining his own career by doing so.
Manny, a man who was like Dave's uncle Ernie as well, tried to tell Columbus how to fix the situation, but Columbus would not take his advice. And so, Manny had no choice but to blind Columbus, so he didn't see the map, so he could not find the gold anymore.
