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Introduction
I was diagnosed with bipolar when I was just 19 years old. My last clinical depression was felt when I was 24 years old. I have been free now of this condition for 28 years to date.
Since then the highs did continue to happen to me, every 2.5 to 3 years, without the backlash of depression. But I am very happy to say that I have not had a manic high in thirteen years now.
My intention is to write as briefly as possible an honest account of my experiences and how I healed myself completely, how it worked for me.
Hopefully it will give people an insight into what the personality of this illness is actually like and may even help someone that is hurting because of it.
This blog will focus mainly on the depressive side of the illness and at a later stage then I will write about how the elation was eliminated for good.
Overview of the first time the imbalance reared its head
Aged nineteen I had experienced what I believed was a mystical experience and for 6 weeks prior to the sentencing I had been extremely creative, but not eating or sleeping right. This lead to not being able to sleep at all. My brain was accelerating with ideas and in-depth insights. I laughed and cried a lot with the immense joy and beauty of these revelatory thoughts. But ultimately not sleeping led me to losing touch with reality.
I ended up in hospital, they diagnosed me as suffering from manic depression and that I was "presently" on a manic high and so they proceeded to put me on large doses of largactol an anti psychotic drug and lithium. The doctor later told me that I would be on lithium for the rest of my life.
He told me that they were giving me enough meds that would knock out an elephant and that it was having no effect on me. Well when the medication did kick in it was horrendous. I could not use a knife or fork, or write, because my hands were shaking so much. My vision was blurred so reading was impossible. Walking was more like shuffling very stiffly and disjointedly. This was very scary for me, but what concerned me the most was, could I trust my own mind, the doctor assured me that I could.
He told me that I was deficient salt (lithium)in my system and that it was causing an imbalance.
I asked him would the lithium tablets cure me completely and he said no, that I could still have highs and lows but they would not be as intense and that if I didn't take the medication lithium, that the highs and lows would become more frequent, with shorter spaces between them.
So they discharged me from hospital after 6weeks, when I was incapacitated and totally depressed with suicidal thoughts running amok.
After a couple of weeks when the depression was showing no signs of lifting, they added anti-depressants to the cocktail of drugs to be consumed.
I found it very difficult to take the lithium, they were big round thick tablets that would catch on my throat and once down would instantly make me feel nauseous.
So it wasn't long before I binned them and after a while I stopped taking the anti depressants because they were not working.
It just didn't make sense to me to be taking tablets that did not work and if Lithium was not going to cure the problem completely and they really repulsed me, I saw no point in continuing with the treatment.
All it was doing was putting a lid on the problem, like a lid on a pressure cooker I thought. It wasn't like I had been taking them for years, no big detox or slow easing off, was necessary.
3 months after being released from hospital, the depression eventually wore off and life very slowly resumed.
It's like coming back from the dead, the whole ordeal leaves one shaken physically, mentally and emotionally.
Rollercoasting
2.5 years later I experienced another gigantic high and again was picked up, signed in by my mother and hospitalised.
To later be let out when again seriously depressed. Might I add, once you are signed in by a family member, you cannot leave the hospital, even when you feel fine. You have to wait until the pychiatrist lets you out.
I found that when I was high the hospital was grand, but as soon as I was down and realised that I had been sick, the place became unbearable very quickly. So 6-8 weeks was a long time to wait to get out. My mother never overruled the doctor.
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By trying to escape, I was punished and ended up being put in isolation in a straight jacket, I have been pounced on by 3-4 nurses, physically forced to the ground and knocked out by injection for just raising my voice and attempting to walk away, any sign of anger was not tolerated. Another time as punishment for something, I can't remember what, they put me in the section for the totally insane where plates of food would be thrown like rogue missiles. I saw people having convulsions during electric shock treatment and thanked god they never did that to me. Once you were signed in, back then you were literally at their mercy, they really could do anything they wanted.
I saw the damage that long term prescription drug use did to people.
People that had held down professional jobs and that had led respectful lives. How they had metamorphosed into creature like ways and a vacant shadow of their former self.
Depression
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At 24 I had a third episode, strangely enough it was at the start of a hot summer and there was no high this time.
I had stumbled back through the gates of despair and into the darkest realm of depression one could feel Again. It lasted 3 months straight.
I lived alone so during that time, I stayed indoors, I only went out to buy food. If I saw someone I knew I would hide from them as I couldn't interact with anyone. My confidence was flattened, I had none.
The terrible foreboding feeling of hurt and pain was amplified in my heart and had spread through out my whole psyche.
This very physical sense of sorrow and desolation surged through me from the moment I woke up and accompanied all waking hours. The only bit of solace to be had was when I went to sleep.
Mentally I was obsessed with suicide and would think for hours on different ways I could do it.
But I always knew that I would never ever do so, because it was against my beliefs. I believe life is a gift from God the Infinite Spirit and to take ones life is like giving the V sign to the creator. I would rather die saving someone else's life than take my own. But during that time I would still think up some pretty creative ways to do it.
I also raked over my whole life and all the mistakes I made, mentally I had the whip out on myself and lashed mercilessly, undermining and putting myself down continuously.
This is my experience of depression as you can see, it was quite a self obsessed thing.
An imbalance where you are looking inwards in the worst possible way.
The Healing
Taken with M7
What happened after 3 months of this kind of thinking, I got bored with it.
My childhood was not a happy one,
I was constantly put down in the worst possible ways as a child and physically beaten every day.
Sorry to have to divulge that, but back then I realised that I was actually worse than my mother and stepfather.
I was more cruel to myself.
I knew that we are all here to loVe,
We all have something of value to give,
We all are here to share and
We all are here to serve.
My first high taught me that.
Then the thought occured to me that I cannot be of any value to this world if I am not even on my own side.
There are plenty of people who will jump at the chance to put me down, so it's of vital importance that I don't do it to myself! And to let go completely of the uptight perfectionist, that was like a monkey on my back.
I then asked myself, WHO AM I and WHERE DO I COME FROM.
The only answer that came was that,
I am from the light and there is a spark of light within me as there is within all of us and it can be accessed at anytime.
And that I am never alone because of this.
I realised in that moment that I am an ok person, that I have never maliciously done anything to hurt anyone else.
That I have made mistakes, lots of them and that I will make plenty more during this lifetime and that its ok to make mistakes. It's a part of life. So long as we learn from them that's the main thing.
All this was assimilated and thought about. I then sincerely forgave myself for being so hard on myself and thanked the infinite one for making me realise this and went out and bought an ice cream.
I have never suffered from depression since.