Hi &Hello steemit
Hello guys i just wanna share a true story. It's painful to read stories like this. I know that a lot of us are not lucky to have loving and supportive family. Sometimes, abuse even starts at home, and most suicide cases are triggered by them. But no matter how much pain and hardship you're going through right now, sender, I hope that you'll still keep moving forward. Don't give up. I may just be a random stranger, but I want you to know that you're a miracle. You're precious and irreplaceable.
"I feel Numb"
I was at the National Bookstore in a mall with my sister when i saw the list of failures that was sent in our groupchat. I failed, again. It was the third time this semester, i felt weak, i didn't know how i was going to tell my parents. How was i supposed to tell them that i don't see myself in this field when they are expecting so much from me. How am i supposed to tell them that i am not happy with the path they chose for me.
I didn't want to fail but everytime i look at my books, my chest tightens as if it was telling me this isn't what i want. I tried getting good grades but good grades didn't seem to favor me.
I crouched, hiding behind the shelves as i wept for my failure, it took me about 10 mins before i asked my sister that i wanted to go to the toilet. I fixed myself as my eyes were red. My mom was already waiting somewhere in the mall,i didn't want her to notice i was crying. I was afraid of her. I know my parents wouldn't understand me when i tell them the results because their expectations were beyond what i was capable of.
I suffered depression because of my mother, she never once thought of what i would feel including forcing me to a course i don't see a future in. She had me mentally abused, she said so many hurtful things to me, it scarred me for life.
"Yawa man ka oy, imo man kong yawaon"
"Kulatahon raka sa imong bana"
"Wa jud kay padulngnan."
"Naulaw ko nimo, nagtuo kag proud ko nimo?"
Those were a fraction of the list of statements she said that embedded in my mind all these years, and my papa, he was so supportive of her that he doesn't realize what it was doing to not just me but including my siblings.
I thought i hid the tears i wept in the toilet but my mom saw right through me she demanded i tell her what was wrong with me. I didn't want to tell her until we get home but she won't move unless i tell. The next thing that happened was her telling me i failed because i didn't study, because i included extra curricular activities, because i have a boyfriend.
I so wanted to tell her i studied, i did but it doesn't seem to work because i do not have any interest in what i was reading, the extra curricular activities, i joined them to keep myself sane. They took everything i loved including my dream away from me, and all i could do was do them in my spare time. And my boyfriend? He was very supportive of me when you weren't there for me. He respected that i have more important things to do. He was my only emotional support system.
I wanted to tell her all that but i choked, and couldn't get to say what's inside my head.
We had dinner and she kept scolding me for not doing well. I had no choice but to accept all of it, including the criticisms. She had every right. I only hoped they would see how much i've been struggling and help me, support me in achieving my dreams of becoming who i want to be. But i was wrong. She called papa to tell him that they would stop sending me to school. They threatened to call my boyfriend and slap me in fron of him. They blamed him for my failures. And it was too much for me to handle. How can they accuse someone when all he did was be there for me when my parents couldn't? I fet numb all of a sudden and tears came running down without my consent. I wept as i heard my mom talking to papa over the phone about how problematic i was as a child, that i didn't deserve education. I found myself staring outside the glass.
I told myself maybe they would understand if i was dead. The next thing happened in a swift. I was walking towards the door now calmed down, but with tears still running and found myself climbing on the balcony of the fourth floor wanting to kill myself.
I couldn't think straight. I felt numb all over. My head was blank and all i could think of in that very moment was death. My body was already half over the balcony until I was held by the security. I saw my mom and sister holding my hand and all i could do was cry. The next moment, i saw myself sitting on a wheel chair.
I was sitting in the wheel chair with my hand covering my eyes hiding tears that the people already saw. I heard my mom's voice telling me what i did was stupid, that i humiliated her infront of her coleagues.
After attempting to end my life i expected something like a softer approach, but who was i kidding? This ain't the movies. We waited for the mall to close before leaving.
I couldn't wait to go to bed. But once i got home agaun, my mom ranted. She called papa again and told him what a huge pain in the ass i was, how i gave her a huge problem for doing something so stupid. All i could do was listen and cry. I attempted to hide in the sheets but she pulled it away and demanded that i explain myself.
How was i supposed to tell her i'm not in my right mind? That i'm tired of life and i want to die? I chose to stay silent. She talked with papa over the phone and i suppose papa understood me a little and mama, she started crying. It broke me. I made my mother cry. I felt guilty and the urge of wanting to die got stronger.
" pa kapoy nako aning balaya, kamo tanan gahatag nakog problema. Or basin ako ang problema kay mulayas nalang ko"
I was trapped into admitting that everything was my fault.
She attempted to leave my room but i held the door and volunteered to leave.
"Ma ayaw kuno pag inamaw! Mutakas ka sa imong responsibilidad sa imong mga anak? Maypa ako nalang mu layas, ay lang ni biyae akong mga manghud! Mga bata pakay ni oh, wa ka maluoy ma?" I finally spoke. And begged her not to leave but she insisted we were already old enough to take care of ourselves. Fuck my siblings are 16, 15, and 8 how is that old enough? She was being irrational.
From then i lost all hope. I couldn't see anything but chaos in the future. I turned deaf of her pathetic reasons and decided to rest, but i couldn't sleep at all. It was 2 am. I found my mama sleeping on the floor. My chest felt heavy, i was afraid she would leave my sisters once she woke up so i decided to leave. I grabbed my wallet and went to urgello and meet my friend. I would like to be away from everything for now cause i feel like going crazy.
My friend will be out from her shift by 7:00 am so i patiently waited in the cold with only a jacket and shorts on. I didn't even realize i wore the jacket backwards. I was just eager to run away from home hoping that my mama wouldn't leave my sisters.
At 6 am my sister called me from messenger telling me my mom was panicking and she wants me to go home. I told her i wanted to be alone but she insisted i go home. I told my sister to call me and give mama the phone.
" Asa ka? Uli na." ,She spoke, her voice cracking.
"Ma okay rako, ayaw lang sa ko pangitaa"
" Asa ka? Kay anhaon ka namo. Pauli na nak, pag taxi nalang plitihan ra nako diri, sige na" her voice became softer than yesterday and i could hear the worry in her voice. I started crying
"Ma okay rako, pahuway diha, ayaw biyae silang lani, ako nalang ang muhawa"
"Nak! Uli na, maboang ko diri, magsturya tag tarong sige na maboang ko nak" and i lost it, my mom begging me to go home was painful .
" Ma! Maboang sad ko diha ma, di ko kaginhawa tarong mamatay kog sayo diha ma!" I started crying not minding the people passing by .
"Nak, uli na nak, asa man ka kay kuhaon ka namo, kahibaw ko di ka ganahan maka kita nako, mag sturya ta diri nak, sige na uli na" the word "Nak" broke me. It was very rare of her to call me nak, she would always call me by my name.
I told her i would go home. And i did. As soon as i got back i went to bed and slept everything hoping it was a dream. But it was too realistic to be one.
Thank you for reading. Your comment, upvote, and resteem are my biggest motivation to post :-)
long live Steemians
