For those who were there and tried from the start
Keeping me guided through times in the dark
You still hold me up but my heart it weighs more
Than things first began and the pain you endured
I try to keep honest and committed to see
Through what I’ve sought out to accomplish and be
When the purpose in life is to live but be free
I wonder why all this shit’s happened to me
The pain that we share it’s not just to say
That these paths we all choose there’s no better way
We try to make light of the way things turn out
To take meaning from things we know nothing about
So as you observe and find solace through me
Just know I look back and pray you’ll too be free
Of struggle and pain it’s the same we endure
No different in time, just some can take more
Invested in you, find comfort in me
This too shall pass, in time you will see
Looking back, you will find there were and will always be two kinds of friends: Those that were there, and those that were there, but never really there at all.
It’s hard to keep your mind from diving into thoughts of frustration, or hate towards some people. For one, it’s a natural thing to do when you don’t have the conversations you should, and two, when the fact of the matter is your problems are yours anyway. All of them.
If you never had fucked up to begin with, none of this would be an issue, and you wouldn’t have to worry about which friends fall on either side of that fence. This whole turbulent process of addiction though, is just a large and more real version of the smaller issues in life. The smaller ones are easier for people to be there for and stand as evidence for their supporting nature, but they aren’t the true tests.
The problem with addiction, is that it’s self-inflicted in the eyes of others. “Why would he do that, isn’t he happy?”, they might ask. So while if something tragic happens to you, and you can almost guarantee their support, when it comes to a problem based on a choice you made, the only people invested in you are those close enough to feel responsible; either for what lead you to making that decision, or helping you overcome it. Those people likely include your family, and closest friends. Trust this statement though: Your time with them is borrowed, and they can only give so much before your issue becomes theirs. Recognize this and appreciate their support, not because it’s limited, but because of what they represent. Show your appreciation by showing them progress, or all trust can and will be lost.
Then there are all the others. They may have empathy for your situation, but at the end of the day don’t care or don’t have the time to, and rightfully so. In their eyes you are both adults, capable of making your own decisions, right or wrong. They likely won’t ever understand the deeper levels or meaning of your addiction, not just because of it’s complexity, but also because they aren’t willing to invest their time to learn. That is of course, until it impacts someone they love or care about. Regardless, you must not let the perspective of onlookers impede your progress. No doubt you will imagine conversations you’d have with them if given the opportunity, but these visions will not serve you, as they act only as a cartoon reel playing out in the worst ways. This is what your anger desires and thrives upon. So think of a better way to use what you already know will be, for a greater and more purposeful motivation. You may find the purpose in proving them wrong, or that you are capable of making the right decisions for yourself. Perhaps you will find a greater purpose though in helping others, with the possibility of it even being one of them one day.
Just as the world operates, this is how things will play out during your darkest times of pain and struggle. Take the opportunity in these experiences to practice forgiveness. Not because they are wrong, but because you likely would behave the same in their position. We all deserve to make decisions for ourselves, but more importantly its the opportunity to learn and improve from the wrong ones. See yourself as the catalyst for a transformation in yourself and others, it’s what the future you would want, and that person will come to fruition before you know it.