If you’ve ever felt guilt or shame for not achieving more, consider this:
You were born to fail.
At least by societal standards. Our biology is primed for survival. But the modern ideals of success are far beyond survival. In fact, the people who are “just getting by” are the outcasts of our culture. The Losers.
By evolutionary standards, these people are no more or less successful than the elite rich. If you can survive long enough to procreate and raise those offspring to an age where they can procreate- congratulations! You’ve arrived!
Natural selection and the resulting evolutions don’t give two shits about you beyond that.
And what’s more...there’s a major advantage to members of a species who are adaptive toward energy conservation. For Millennia before western culture came to use the term “energy crisis”, our species was already in a fight for energetic resources. Food wasn’t as predictable for most of our history. It took work to get it, and it took work to not die while getting it. Those who are able to get the most calories with the least expenditure were ahead in the game. If you were good at finding shelter and energy (hunting and gathering), then it actually paid to be lazy. The less energy you had to spend, the less you needed to take risks in going out to get more.
But these days, that just won’t do! Water, food, and shelter are just the launching off point. Now the real work begins. Because unless you’re acquiring stuff, using up stuff, making stuff for others to consume, or making an “impact” by teaching others how to produce and consume...if you’re not winning in that game, well then, you’re a loser.
I feel it too. That pull to be more, to do more, to live all my life. To really live. If I’m only here once, I would like to get the most out of it. I want to live a grand adventure. I want to love deeply, explore the darkest depths and reach the farthest distances of my potential. But is this really a responsibility? If I never make it big, what contract have I breached? What promise have I broken if I fail to publish that book, invent that tech, or travel to the stars?
I see people looking up to the likes of Elon Musk as a role model. I can promise you that if that’s your bar for achievement you’re dooming yourself to feel like a loser. We admire those who have made their mark. We remember those giants upon whose shoulders we stand. But do we need to feel guilty for not joining those ranks? We may be born with the potential for greatness, but what obligation do we have to attain it?
No. This post is not a cop-out. I’m not trying to convince you to give up on your dreams. I’m not telling you to take the path of least resistance. I’m just begging you to let go of the guilt.
I’ve wanted to live a big life for as long as I can remember. But I was told by others what that should look like - and was made to feel inferior for all my failed attempts to make that vision a reality. Why should I feel this way? My biology is literally programmed to save energy. Why spend so much of it in trying to achieve someone else’s definition of success, only to feel like a loser when I fall short?
Ironically, I feel more “successful” right now than I have ever felt. My future-wife, Tali and I are working to pay off nearly $50,000 in debt. We have to budget every week. Most of our income is being spent on basic needs. We live in a 650 square foot apartment. We share one car- a base model VW Jetta (grey - can you get a more “sensible” car?). We rarely go out- even for coffee. No gifts this Christmas - we’ve agreed the stress isn’t worth it. So with all of this, why do I feel so successful? Let me tell you about yesterday...
I slept in until the morning light woke us up. No alarm. Tali and I stayed in bed, holding each other naked, talking, sipping coffee until 11. We got up and had breakfast together. She visited on the phone with her mom and I did some brainstorming on upcoming projects. We paid some bills, made a payment on her wedding ring, and bought her a new training journal. Next up- we visited a friend at her work (a local bakery) where we indulged in some sweet cookies, more coffee and a little over an hour of writing time (where I started this article). We did some grocery shopping and bought some paint for our living room. We’ve been wanting to add some color to our apartment for months but spending the $40 on paint hasn’t been an option until yesterday.
Yesterday was a success. I had everything I needed. I enjoyed leisure, intimacy, and creativity with the love of my life. We’re working toward a common vision. We’re both swimming in gratitude.
I used to want it all. The fancy houses, cars, boats, fame...certainly nothing wrong with those things. But there is definitely something wrong with the guilt and shame of not achieving them. Time to let that shit go. Here are some keys that have helped me...
- You are the only one who gets to define what success looks like for you.
- You are not obligated to achieve anything for anyone else (with the exception of providing a loving, safe, and peaceful home for your children - if you choose to have them.)
- Your vision of success is subject to change. You are not the same person you were a few years ago. No, really. You are literally not the same person. Most cells in your body are being replaced at an average rate of 7 years. If you choose to change your personal definition of success, you have every right to do so without guilt or feeling like a failure. Create a new vision that is in line with this new you and get after it - whatever that is.
- Practicing gratitude has probably been the single most powerful habit I’ve cultivated to bring myself happiness. Goal-setting and future-projecting can have you in a constant sense of lack. I’ve fallen victim to the trap of “I’ll be happy when...”. You don’t need to hit a 5-year goal in order to be happy. You can just go ahead and be happy now. Start by practicing gratitude.
- I’ve found that in order to be happy, I have to cultivate the relationships that allow me to be 100% me. Authenticity is the cornerstone of personal freedom and you can’t have that without vulnerability. And you can’t be vulnerable with people who don’t want you to be 100% you. I found someone who values me apart from my achievements. Tali has made it clear that her love for me is not contingent on my financial success. You have every right to associate with whomever you wish, but if your spouse, friends, or family are putting pressure on you to achieve something that is not in line with your path, I would suggest you change those associations ASAP. Be willing to have hard conversations. They usually aren’t as hard as you imagine. But you need to come clean. Wearing masks and working for someone else’s standards are the sure-fire paths to misery.
Selfish?
Maybe. But I don’t think so. I think I’m much more useful to other people when I’m being true to myself. I have a hunch the same would be true for you.
I don’t think we need a planet (or solar system) full of a few billion Elon Musks. We’ll all get along fine if some of us choose to live a little more subtly. So if your dream is more in line with your lazy cave-dwelling great-great-great-great-g.g.g.g.g.g....grandparents...go for it. Just realize you don't need to feel guilty about it.
Live all your life.
P.S.
There are zen-like ironies to be had in this approach:
Zen-like Irony #1: Getting rid of the guilt of failure is a step closer to getting rid of the fear of failure. And fear is the most common roadblock to any personal achievement.
Zen-like Irony #2: By going your own way, and defining success on your own terms, i.e. being “selfish”, you’re more likely to be a happy and productive person. Very likely a better person for your friends, family, community, and clients.
Zen-like Irony #3: In letting go of my own sense of inferiority, I find it easier to do the creative work I crave. Instead of feeling like a failure who hasn’t much to show for my 43 trips around the sun, I’m getting a sense that the book actually will get published, the invention will see the light of day, and maybe one day, who knows - maybe even the stars? Knowing that my perfect day is already within reach (I lived it yesterday), makes the big financial goals more like a fun challenge. Just a game. Win or lose, I’m happy to be playing.