A recent birthday got me reflecting on my journey to this age, and I’m happy to say that, compared with the younger me, I’m much more at peace with myself, content with my life, confident of what I want and sure of how to get there.
I often write about how to attain career and money success, and while many practical tips can get you ahead, your personal approach to professional and financial matters, as well as your way of dealing with your own demons, will take you to even higher heights than any amount of knowledge can.
Here are some lessons I’ve learned over the years. Hopefully they’ll prove as useful to you as they have been to me.
- Know that what you focus your mind on grows bigger.
This tip, which I learned in an incredible course called Something Different for Women (currently on hiatus), helped get me out of a funk and turn my life around — simply by changing my mindset. If you constantly think about bad things in your life, like your annoying coworker or a recent mistake, then she/he/it will take up a disproportionate amount of your mental space. On the other hand, if you focus instead on your recent successes, your new goals and your fun coworkers, not only will your days be more pleasant and the irritating coworker or temporary defeat fade to the background, but the positive things in your life will grow and flourish.
As the unattributed quote goes, “Watch your thoughts for they become words, watch your words for they become actions, watch your actions, for they become habits, watch your habits for they become your character, watch your character for it becomes your destiny.” Having a mind filled with negative thoughts will lead to a negative life, and a mind filled with positivity will breed a positive one
- Don’t take things personally.
Many freelance writers pitch story ideas to editors and then, if the editor doesn’t respond, immediately assume that s/he hated the pitch and hates the writer — and 99.9% of the time, the editor is just busy. Even when people aren’t busy but mean, it’s not about you – it’s about them. They had a bad day, a bad childhood or haven’t eaten lunch yet. Your life will be much happier if you don’t mentally wound yourself by making other people’s actions about you.
- Express gratitude — daily.
The first two guidelines are not easy to follow. But one habit that will smooth their adoption is taking a moment daily to acknowledge the good in your life. (Swallow any temptation to resist because you think it’s cheesy. It takes courage to not give a damn about what others think of you and instead be sincere.) Write a gratitude list of at least five things that you email to yourself, or before dinner, have each family member say what he or she is each grateful for. Pick a method that works for you — writing it down or sharing it with others. (Just don’t do it mentally to yourself, as the ritual won’t stick.) Expressing gratitude exercises your positivity muscle and makes it easier to remain even-keeled during bad times. When you get laid off, a practice of gratitude will remind you you still have your health, or if you have a bike accident, you’ll be especially grateful for your friends and family.
- Stand up for yourself but don’t act entitled.
There’s a fine line dividing the people who think they are owed everything and the people who are scared to ask for everything. Don’t be on either side of this line. If you’re not sure if you’re being exploited or treated poorly, ask your friends and family or others in your line of work what’s appropriate. If you think the other party is taking advantage of you, speak up for yourself. On the other hand, be aware when you haven’t earned something. Others will be less inclined to help you if you act as if you are owed the world on a platter.
- Ask for 100% of what you want from 100% of people 100% of the time.
I got this amazing advice during an incredible writing workshop held by my fellow Forbes contributor David Hochman, who learned it inDavid Richo’s book How to Be an Adult. As long as you know you are not on the entitled side of the line mentioned above, being upfront about your needs and wants eliminates a lot of angst and inconvenience and discomfort in your life — and makes room for ease. Just ask for what you want instead of wringing your hands over whether to, how to or what’s reasonable to. Unless your request is outrageous, which you should know in your gut (or from asking friends and colleagues), the worst that can happen is that the answer is no. Reasonable requests shouldn’t damage the relationship, and if someone thinks less of you because you dared state what you need, find better people to work with in the future.
- Learn to like rejection.
Every rejection means you’re one rejection closer to the next yes. As Hochman says, “You’ll never write for The New Yorker unless you pitch The New Yorker.” So, always put yourself out there, and get used to being rejected. No one will ever have a perfect batting average, so pile up the rejections in order to get the yeses.
- Recognize that money gives you freedom.
I used to be interested in pretty much everything but money. If that describes you too, remember that if you don’t take care of your money, you could become a slave to debt and lack the freedom to pursue your goals. Get a budget and learn the basics of personal finance so you don’t fritter your money away on things you don’t value. (For a primer, check out this series on financial accounts, budgeting, cutting costs, andnegotiating salary and raises, and read abouthow I manage my own finances.) You’ll be happiest when you spend in line with your values, but doing so takes conscious effort.
- Always negotiate.
Every little bump in salary or fee you negotiate for yourself will mean bigger future boosts and more money over your lifetime. And that will make it much easier for you to accomplish your goals, whether related to your career, buying a house, getting married, sending your kids to college or traveling. (Again, check out that all important article onnegotiating.) Learn to ask for more money than you’re comfortable asking for.
- Start investing early.
Investing early makes saving money, especially for the difficult task of amassing a retirement nest egg, much, much easier. As I wrote in my story on investing secrets, “If Person A saves $5,000 a year from age 25 to 40 for a total of $75,000 and then never invests another penny, and Person B invests $5,000 every year from 40 to 65 for a total of $125,000 invested, assuming 5% growth, Person A will end up with more than $400,000 by retirement, while Person B will only have $256,000, simply because Person A started saving earlier, even if she put away less.” Just by starting earlier, you could have $150,000 more by retirement! This is the equivalent of someone offering you a free $150,000 right now with the only catch being that you have to wait for the money till retirement. If they did, you would take the offer, yes? Then, start saving and investing asap and make it a lifelong habit. (Read the investing secrets that will help you beat other investors, and avoid the top mistakes investors make.)
- Do one thing at a time.
This bit of Zen wisdom is more relevant than ever. Eat when you eat. Walk when you walk. Enjoy the flavors and textures of your food. Pay attention to the feel of your bare foot on the wood floor. Don’t multitask. This takes conscious effort. Sometimes I absentmindedly pick up my phone to check Facebook just to walk from one room to another. Flooding your mind with these distractions uses mental energy and depletes your brain power for important undertakings. Set rules around your gadget use, single task as much as possible, and appreciate the extra energy you have. (Read here for more tips onhow to decrease noise in your life and use stress to your advantage and how to perform at your peak every day.)
- Accept and enjoy where you are right now.
Life is always changing and soon the current rhythm of your days will morph into something new. There was a period when I was upset about being unmarried, but then I realized that I might someday miss my single days. Now I make sure to enjoy every one.
- Get a regular dose of nature.
Every day, connect with nature in some way, large or small. Even if your schedule is packed, spend a minute observing the patterns the raindrops make against your window. Watch a tree as it bends and moves with the wind. And yes, smell the roses. Studies have shown that nature has a rejuvenating effect, and appreciating it is an easy way to be present in the moment.
- Sweep your side of the street.
Another pearl of wisdom from the Something Different course. If you have a problem with someone and need to air it out with them, first figure out what you did wrong. You can’t find a solution to the problem until you also know how you contributed to it, and they won’t make peace until you acknowledge your role.
- Know that people who talk about other people behind their backs are also talking about you behind yours.
These people aren’t real friends. The world has plenty of non-gossips from among whom you can choose true friends.
- Don’t hold a grudge.
In the spirit of asking for 100% of what you want from 100% of people 100% of the time, if you need to cut someone out of your life, do so. But holding a grudge saps your energy. (Remember — what you focus your mind on grows bigger!) So, set boundaries but don’t stew over the reason you had to establish them. Learn your lesson, then move on.
- Always put in your best effort, so that you never have regrets or wonder ‘what if.’
Sometimes, special opportunities come along in life. Whether or not you get any particular one is not that important, because even if you don’t get this one, another opportunity will come along. But what will leave a lasting effect is not trying your best, not getting the gig, and being left wondering, What if? Don’t do that. Put your best foot forward so you know whether you were judged on your true merit and not a half-baked effort.
- Lasting change in life starts with daily habits.
If you imagine a different future for yourself, don’t think that you’ll suddenly shed your current life one day and become an entirely new person. What can you do now to get there? Start incorporating that into your life today. Eventually that habit will snowball, and through a combination of persistence and luck, you’ll find yourself in the life you once dreamed of. As E.L. Doctorow said, ‘Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.’”
- Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a year?”
Another Hochman gem. When you face certain decisions — i.e. taking a couple days off work to take a trip with your aging parents or turning down social events for a couple weeks to do a stellar job for your dream client — go with the course that you’ll be glad you chose a year from now.
- Treat others with kindness and understanding.
Everyone has his or her own baggage, problems and worries, and is also striving for happiness and the freedom to pursue his or her own dreams. It’s not a winner-take-all kind of situation. Helping someone out, being nice to them or even just smiling at a stranger will have ripple effects. If you’ve ever had someone do something nice for you, you’ve probably felt the compulsion to pay it forward, so set that chain in motion yourself. Kindness costs little but pays rich rewards to everyone.
- Know that how you use your mind is in your power.
Underlying all the above principles is the fact that at every moment, you have a choice as to how to use your mind, and that, in turn, gives you control over the course of your life. You can act with love or hate, kindness or meanness, big-heartedness or pettiness, mindfulness or absentmindedness — and the more you opt for the first of those choices, the more love, kindness, big-heartedness and mindfulness you’ll have in your life.