Warning
Psuedo-science and blatantly false science may be expressed in this as fact under the assumption that it is all in a hypothetical situation. Do not quote this post as honest science work. Thank you!
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This is my submission for #suesascience Suesa's Science Challenge 3 hosted by
The question or topic of this challenge is as follows:
We all know Santa is fake. But ...what if he wasn't? What scientific conditions would need to be met for Santa to exist or at least for some things to work?
Now before I go straight to my answer I am going to list the impossibilities surrounding Santa Claus in order to figure out how to accurately explain it, by messing with science. So now I will present a list of the science breaking features of the Santa story!
EDIT I accidentally started to answer the science behind some of them right in the list so I decided to keep doing that here. Sorry!
- First and foremost, Santa eats a lot of cookies, a lot of sugar, and he doesn't seem to have a problem. Now this can be fixed with modern science because the answer is simple, he has diabetes but he genetically engineered a type of bacteria to secrete insulin when they eat sugar. He put that in his body and the more sugar present in his blood, the more insulin, and thus the more his cells take in sugar and convert it into (glucogen) long term food stores (that is why his waistband is large)
- The second issue is why his cells haven't become desensitized to insulin. The reason for this is he used CRISPR to genetically engineer his own genes to add a protein that prevents insulin tolerance. Either way his beta cells in his pancreas still died.
- Now we can move past his waistband, hate to fat shame the guy. Now to attack his reindeer. Now reindeer actually exist for those that may not know, and I have even seen them in real life of course if you live in North America you tend to know them as Caribou but Santa uses a special type of reindeer that fly. To be honest, the truth is that the reindeer part are a lie, you see Santa doesn't use reindeer, its just easier to tell children that because it is way to complicated to say that he essentially teleported places. His sleigh is actually a very complex machine with a super small particle accelerator that can pinch off points in 4th dimensional space time to create tears that act as wormholes so that he can travel from house to house instantly. Don't believe me? Check your living room after Christmas, it is radioactive! The exact sign that that has happened!
- Now you might say that even with this teleportation hypothesis, Santa would still need to deliver a lot of presents in a short amount of time but what most people do not take into account on Christmas is that time zones exist, meaning he has 24 hours to deliver the presents.
- Now you will say that even with 24 hours, that is a lot of presents and for this I provide another thing. Not all countries celebrate Christmas, and Santa doesn't like the people that do not celebrate him and for this he doesn't actually need to visit everyone in the world. But even with this, that is a lot of presents, and cookies, to at in a short amount of time.
- You got me! Santa alone could not deliver all of those presents... unless, since he has some super scientific equipment he had also found a way to counteract the Heisenberg uncertainty (and others) and measure all the properties of each atom in his body and then was able to truly clone himself (down to the subatomic level and beyond) with every quark, lepton, boson, photon, and gluon being the exact same. You see, too many times people chalk this up to magic but the truth is that Santa is the smartest person alive, except if he is so smart then why is he doing all of this and delivering the gifts? Because he isn't!
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That is right, Santa didn't create any of these super hi tech gear, the true person behind all of this is Mrs. Claus! You see Mrs. Claus is so smart that she knew it would bring joy to everyone whom believed, but she was getting old and had a sore back so she instead made her husband do all of the leg work so that she could bring joy and still sit at home by the fire in her comfy rocking chair. Sure she cloned her husband a bunch of times but maybe those clones get destroyed after Christmas (or there was a small problem with her cloning process and it hasn't been perfected and the Santas have a half life of ~3 days) but that doesn't matter. The point is that all this time we have been giving so much praise to Santa when it was Mrs. Claus that was wanting to gift everyone... But hey, thats just a hypothesis, as no testing on this subject can be done and no predictions can be made therefore it is not a theory.
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References
Images
1: commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jonathan_G_Meath_portrays_Santa_Claus.jpg
2: pixabay.com/p-1264263/?no_redirect
3: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CRISPR
4: commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Lorentzian_Wormhole.svg
5: commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Standard_Model_From_Fermi_Lab.jpg
6: www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=200171&picture=clauses-kissing
Wiki Articles:
CRISPR: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CRISPR
Reindeer: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reindeer
Glycogen: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glycogen
Background Radiation: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Background_radiation
NCBI articles
CRISPR: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4343198/
Beta Cells: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14687913
GM cells secrete Insulin: www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4407861/
Wormholes
Wormholes: physics.aps.org/story/v15/st11
Broken Science
No-Cloning: arxiv.org/abs/quant-ph/0511088
More No-Cloning: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No-cloning_theorem
Note the "More No-Cloning" is a wikipedia page
Epigenetics: reset.me/story/epigenetics-how-you-can-change-your-genes-and-change-your-life/
Note the "Epigenetics" one is a blog post
There is probably more but I think we have the idea!
Original Contest Post
steemit.com/science/@suesa/suesa-s-science-challenge-3-a-very-science-christmas
Kryzsec's Steemit Board
If you enjoyed this at all then I highly recommending checking out other posts in the contest by checking out steemit.com/created/suesascience or here and check out 
For great content check out the posts curated by steemstem as they do wonderful work to raise the bar of excellence for posts made on steemit. STEM stands for Science Technology Engineering Mathematics. Thank you for reading!