ToDay i’m going to explain behavior patterns against children. you’ll discover
- why you should never punish your child;
- why you should never praise a child for something they haven’t done; and
- why you shouldn’t tie your child’s shoelaces for them.
Control your anger and learn a few key communication skills to convince your child.
You know when your child simply won’t listen and you snap, letting the anger get the better of you? As you’ve probably noticed, your irate response doesn’t get your child to stop what she’s doing. You can shout, use sarcasm, threaten or command, but they all have the same result – the child won’t listen. She’ll reciprocate by becoming more angry herself.
So, when this happens, what’s the best way to go about it?
Enlist a few vital communication skills to get your children to cooperate. Each of these skills will help create an atmosphere of respect and understanding, which is crucial if you want your child’s behavior to change.
To demonstrate these skills, let’s consider the scenario where you have a child who is in the middle of a temper tantrum and demanding to stay up past her bedtime.
First, describe the problem you see to your child. Don’t point fingers or accuse, just explain the problem. This will help her understand better.
For example, say, “When you stay up late, you feel tired in the morning.”
Then offer some information as to why her behavior might not be helping, such as “When you’re tired you don’t have energy and you find it hard to concentrate at school.”
Explaining these points helps children to figure out for themselves what needs to be done. With this information, you can give your kids the power to find out for themselves what is good for them.
By communicating this way, you’ll usually find your child ready to listen to you, without any need for either party to blow a fuse.
If you want your child to grow and learn from his mistakes, offer helpful praise and never use labels.
We’ve explored better communication and fostering independence, but there is one final step: Learning to praise and talk about your child’s behavior.
Praising is a cinch, right? Your kid has done great, so just say it! But praise is also needed to develop self-esteem, so it can actually get a little tricky. Well-intentioned praise can sometimes evoke unexpected reactions such as anxiety or denial, or it may even be seen as manipulative. You should therefore be able to praise in the most helpful way possible.
Helpful praise is twofold: describe what your kid has done and then allow her to praise herself according to that description.
Instead of saying, “You wrote a lovely poem,” say “Your poem really moved me, I especially love the second line.” If it is easier, you can add words that summarize your kid’s behavior, such as stating “That’s what I call creativity!”
Be careful though, as praise should not hint at past weaknesses or failures. Saying, “Your last poem was really bad, but this is better!” will not help the child reap all the good feelings of his praiseworthy behavior. Also, use praise selectively to be sure it retains its value.
In addition to praising good behavior, we should avoid labelling bad behavior. Often kids are labelled as stubborn or bossy, and the label becomes hard to drop later on. Even worse, many kids adapt to their labels and start behaving accordingly, becoming convinced that they’re stubborn or a slow learner, and so on. So unless you want your child to always live up to the “lazy” or “bossy” role you’ve given him, don’t label him.
The same goes for you, too. You shouldn’t cast yourself in roles such as the “bad” or “authoritarian” parent. In fact, it’s best to steer clear of labels altogether.
Rather than blaming your kids for all your parenting grief, you can improve communication with them by making a few changes to the way you speak to them and set the tone of a situation.
Listening, sharing feelings and respecting your kids will make your job as a parent far easier, improve your children’s behavior and help them become more independent.
Actionable advice:
Show your feelings.
The next time you are furious about your kid coming back home late, stop and pause for a minute. Rather than grounding or punishing him, share your feelings with him about it. You might be surprised at the result.
Value your child’s opinion.
If you find yourself matter-of-factly telling your kid how things should be – for example, that she “has” to wear a raincoat when it rains – stop and listen to your child. Let her share her opinion and look for a solution that can satisfy you both.