I've been silenced.
I've been silent.
I've been censored, and deemed off putting.
Taught by my mother, to stand up for what I believe in and have a voice... only to be shown by my stepfather (damn if we don't all have one... bless them) that children are to be seen, not heard.
I guess he may have been trying to protect himself, looking back at the giant pot plant he had growing in the back yard. I tested him once to see if he'd tell me the truth and asked what kind of plant it was, he said it was a pear tree. We never had pears though. My step sister came to visit one weekend, and like nosy little kids do, we went snooping in my parents room while they were at the store. Upon entering the room, and seeing the plants hanging to dry, she swooned...."Wow, I think it's so cool dad grows and dries his own herbs!" And my big mouth flies open and says..."those aren't herbs.. those are drugs."
Like we ever had anything in our spice cabinet besides salt, pepper, and Mrs. Dash.
I remember staying the night with a friend as a teenager, and my Mom being late to pick me up the next day. My friend was expecting family over for dinner, and asked me to not speak while they were there... as I was too out of the box for their taste, and may rub them the wrong way.
If my memory serves me correctly, I DID NOT stay silent. Not out of spite.. I guess I perceived myself as more charming than I actually was, and insensitively tried to make small talk by explaining that... I too... had holy rollers in my family, and may have proceeded in telling them about how they don't cut their hair or wear make up, and only wear long skirts. I remember their polite smiles, but not their responses.
In hindsight, I see now that I was never properly socialized as a child, undoubtedly because I was kept silenced. Unfortunately, it took me until I was 30 to see that.
I suppose I also thought that everyone had panic attacks when they'd have to make a simple phone call or make casual conversation. I used to calm myself by saying.... "you don't have to say anything extra, just listen to their questions, and answer them".
In my one semester of community college, I had to take a public speaking class. There was an assignment to pick a topic to speak about in front of the class. As I was struggling at the time with depression, and also feeling depressed about my "need" to be on antidepressants, that was the subject I chose. Losing track of my thoughts I just let it spin out of control, and into a public outpouring of everything I had been holding inside. Laying everything personal out on the table for these strangers. A few were supportive, and called me brave for my shares, older souls whom could have been potential friends had I ever went back to that class. One dark haired girl with a bullring in her nose, raised her hand to ask me exactly what the point of my speech was... to which I could only reply... "I really don't know".
I guess it's worth noting that the teacher gave me an A on that assignment, and stated outright that the point of the assignment was simply to overcome our fears of speaking in front of people.
There have been other times when my voice was a blessing to others. When my heart can't bear to witness others being bullied, and I jump in to take the brunt of it instead. This particular instance, I knew this girl that rode the bus with me came from a troubled home, and no one had taught her how to take care of herself. When I stood up for her, I was met with what a teenage girl would feel was the most devastating insult... which was actually a true reflection of himself..."you look like you have syphilis on your face!" Teenagers.
There were more graceful times I chose to speak. As a young girl, though always an old soul, I started going to church. Alone, without my parents, just to be close to some sort of spiritual knowing. I remember singing "this little light of mine" and speaking in front of the congregation. Expressions of my gratitude for them and their presence in my life.
As I got older though, and started concerning myself more with what other people thought of me, and what they'd prefer to hear, I shut my voice off. I stopped singing in front of people. I stopped offering my quirky outlook and offbeat opinions. After that, when I'd try to truly express myself, I found that it felt as if someone had their hand on my throat, cutting off my air, and I'd literally choke.
In 2011 I started awakening to the fact that there was more going on than we could see. Along my spiritual journey or returning to my Self, I was forced to address this blocking of my voice. I started to feel as though I had words and thoughts that weren't just for me. I began feeling urged to share things with people that made no sense to me, but perfect sense to them. I felt drawn to channeling material, and found myself fascinated by the phenomenon. I wanted desperately to unblock my voice and begin channeling messages for people. I hadn't yet put the pieces together, that I had already been channeling, I just felt that I was being my normally off putting self. I was guided by my intuition to a book called Opening To Channel, and started practicing their methods, and actually getting something to come through! One instance I asked about my soul connection to a friend of mine, as our meeting was an interesting story in itself, but what was more interesting was how easily we communicated and understood one another despite the distance between us. What I recieved was that he was my older brother in an other life, and that he had gone off to war and I had never seen him again. Although I fact checked what came through, I still could hardly believe I was actually channeling.
One day, I was looking for some candles in a box in my closet, and happened to see a bag of scrap jewelry clasps and things and there was a flash of blue that caught my eye. When I opened the bag there was this old weathered lapis lazuli pendant! I had never seen it before, and I had been looking to have a peice of Lapis as I knew it would help me unblock my throat chakra and help me find my voice again. And it did. From the moment I put it on, I couldn't help but speak my truth. To a fault in some cases, as I also felt called to confess things I had lied about in the past. I also began writing, having never considered myself a writer before.
Looking back, the mysterious lapis pendant, that I believe was gifted to me by my Higher Self, was a big help vibrationally, but it was more of a confirmation, a nudge to get me to believe that the messages I had been receiving weren't created by my egoic mind, and also that our imagination is a creative channeled experience, not to be so quickly dismissed, but to be used as a tool, to co-create the world we want to live in, and to find new ways to heal ourselves and our sometimes dark perceptions of "reality".
Now I have two children. They're young babes, and they talk my ears off, but I understand the importance of our voices. Sometimes we howl loudly in the house, and talk gibberish to one another, and sometimes my son will surprise me with such profound and relevant information, and odd predictions such as a bus coming around a blind curve in the road... these things I would miss out on had I never learned the value of my own voice, and in turn silenced my own child, adopting that outdated idea that children should be seen and not heard.
This is why I joined Steemit. I don't want to be silenced anymore. I don't want YOU, whoever's reading this, to be silenced anymore. Our voices are valuable, and everything you have to share in every moment, conscious or unconscious, serves some Purpose bigger than your self. We may not know until the very end just how deeply our words touched someone, but we each have words to share that are valued beyond measure.
Speak up.
What have YOU got to say??
Thanks for reading!
(((♡)))