Many times in my life I have found myself in cosmic situations that had a strong impact on my view of the world. Unseeming situations. Often situations where something worrysome would be the thing that would eventually allow me to learn a great lesson about life and the universe and to come out better than before on the other end. To help me... remember almost, things I somehow knew but never knew I knew.
Long before intuition and divine intelligence became something I consciously acknowledged to play any meaningful role in my life, I felt that these situations and the resulting inner sense of being on the right path were a great gift.
One of the most memorable incidents came when I was about 17 or so. You see, I was in a relationship with my first girlfriend and as these things go kids are sometimes weird and careless. And soooooooo, after a rather unfullfilling round of intercourse (if you can call it that ;) there was this issue. I didn't notice anything of course until I did - my girlfriend and me were going to the same classes and though I thought we were a team I was freakin' shocked when I overheard her saying to her best friend that she "hadn't gotten her period yet" and that it may have something to do with her "having forgotten to take the pill lately".
I was shocked!
Not only about the issue at hand - a looming unwanted pregnancy was about the worst thing I could imagine for my future years - but specifically because she felt it was something she could talk about with her best friend during recess in school but not to her boyfriend. I felt mistrusted and worried, especially when she wouldn't budge to even talk about it after I asked her about what I overheard. I felt alone and scared and I guess I would have greatly appreciated if we could figure this thing out together, rather than me coincidentally overhearing her statement.
Her period had been overdue for a few days and so I felt all the more left out of the loop.
She would not speak to me about it other than saying "oh don't worry, I'm sure it will be fine" which didn't make me feel any better at all. Didn't know whether she really didn't worry or whether she felt it best to keep it from me, it was weird. Like a real WTF moment. We get naked and make love and we can't talk about this?
So, being the worrier I am (and especially the worrier I used to be) it didn't let go of me. I couldn't eat anymore, I could barely sleep, my mind was constantly circling the possibility of becoming a dad while still being a kid myself, and for some reason that seemed more scary to me than death. I kid you not. I felt not ready at all and completely uncertain whether - in light of the situation - I could ever live with her becoming the mom of my kids. She was my first girl, I mean come on!
Fortunately, I am blessed with two amazing parents and when the pain became too grave to bear I asked my mom whether we could talk about it. And we did - just sharing the pain and my fear with her was soothing in itself - why, I didn't know. It's not like it solved anything but it did feel a lot better right away.
My mom said a few things that eased my worries a little. None of them made the thing go away entirely but the odds of me becoming an unwanted dad suddenly didn't seem so certain anymore. You know how fear is, it always claims absolute and relentless certainty in becoming real, even when it's just a mindfuck without any substance - a ghost that keeps gnawing at your mind all day long on basis of mere possibility, not certainty.
And so, after we talked for an hour or so, my mom suggested something strange - "Hey, why don't we go out and eat some chinese food somewhere, a change of scenery and something to soothe the soul."
I dug it! Didn't know what that would do to ease the worries but I have always trusted my mom, she is a shaman in her own way if you must know. Non-psychedelic, but a healer. She always has been.
And I always loved Chinese food... so I agreed and we went.
The meal was great though I can't even remember what I had specifically. And that's the thing: I can't remember because going for Chinese food was not about the food at all. But about me.
It was a great meal and a good talk with my mom about anything ELSE than a possible pregnancy - the topic had almost been purged from my mind for a good half hour there and the food really did soothe my soul in a way.
At the end of the meal - as is often somewhat of a tradition in Westernized Chinese places - you get a fortune cookie. I always found them fascinating as a kid although I had forgotten all about them because eating Chinese was somehwat of a rarity.
So after the waitress brought us two fortune cookies at the end of the meal, I picked one while my mom smiled at me.
I opened it and... guess what it read.
"Your biggest worry is taken from you."
I was speechless!
It not only FELT like that was true but the chances of this cosmic calibre of relevance hitting me out of all the things the piece of paper could have read just seemed way too improbable to be coincidence. Part of me tried to argue that fortune cookie wisdom is so vague that it would apply to anyone always, but then I never really had that many worries worth speaking of, except for the recent few days in such a devastating manner.
It just blew my worries away, right then and there! And though my rational mind tried arguing ina futile way that this piece of paper didn't change anything about my situation - I somehow knew I could trust that bit of wisdom and that everything would be alright. I just knew it somehow, an experience rather new to me...
Well, needless to say a few days later my girlfriend called me and told me that "you may want to know that I have gotten my period and I'm not pregnant." Well JEEZ, YEAH I would want to know that thank you! But somehow I already did. And her call hardly surprised me, which surprised me greatly when I thought about it - I really did already know.
And I laughed myself silly, being so grateful for this messed up week and how it all turned out. Long before I discovered underlying intelligence in the universe' structure, back when I was an atheist and an adolescent, I had gotten a cosmic gift! And though there were many other small incidents that led me to change my materialistic views on this realm and life over the years, this must have been one of the most important to get me to pay attention to the signs.
It was such a cosmic wink ;)
unsplash.com
unsplash.com
Thanks for stopping by <3