Kingston Welcomes the Taliban, Following America’s Defeat
By J. B. Weld
Afghani refugees poured into the City of Kingston today, fresh from the emergency airlift one week prior to the mass extermination of American citizens scheduled for the first day of September -- when U.S. President “Sloppy” Joe Biden plans to prostrate his unconditional surrender at the feet of Middle East Taliban terrorists -- finally ending the military’s 20-year “Operation Enduring Freedom.”
“When Democrats say ‘America Last,’ we put your money where our mouth is,” mayor Steve Noodle remarked, “especially when it comes to American lives,” he noted. Noodle was personally on-hand Thursday evening to welcome the first wave of all-male fighting-age undocumented immigrants to this sanctuary-friendly community, one of many Fifth Column zones which dot New York’s upstate Hudson River Mountain Valley.
The newcomers were greeted with free handout packages, consisting of municipal I.D. cards, $5 dollar artesian doughnuts, and pairs of ladies black thong underwear. The latter item was a clerical error made by Corporation Counsel, which confused the Afghani rebel color scheme with their domestic counterparts at A.N.T.I.F.A. (American Ninja Tinkerbells In Fashionable Attire). “It was a simple misunderstanding,'' admitted City Attorney Darth Fartenheimer, who took extra pains not to offend the Taliban’s cultural sensibilities.
“Death to America, Jihad!” shouted mayor Noodle. “That’s Farsi for ‘you ain’t Black,’” he explained. “I’ve been catching up on my international languages, rather than fixing the potholes or answering questions about local matters,” he said, virtue signalling terminal wokeness. Suddenly, one of the fighters, a Pashtun goat groomer (and insurgent) named Ubi-Wan Sububi, grabbed the mayor from behind and threw him over a nearby war memorial. “That’s okay,” laughed the mayor, “he probably mistook me for a beardless twelve-year-old boy.”
“You see, we’re not that different, all of us agree that we wish to lower the age of consent,” rejoiced Fartenheimer.
The entourage marched up Broadway, past Kickback Park (formerly Planet Wings), stopping briefly at Kennedy Fried Chicken to greet their Afghani brethren. “سر کافر را برداریم و روی سنبله سوار کنیم,” said Abu bin Jihadi, loosely translated to “I’ll have two kebabs well-done, but please hold the onions.” Much like the Afghani nation itself, KFC isn’t a centralized corporate chain, but rather a loosely knit confederation of independent tribal shops, whose only common denominator is the menu. Mr. bin Jihadi reminisced spening many long youthful nights hanging out at the KFC in Jalalabad.
Kingston’s First Lady, Ms. Julie Noodle, marveled at the immigrant’s fabulously sleek and elegant Stinger missiles. “Oh, my! I haven’t seen pipes that long since my visit to D.P.W. last week,” she gushed, promising the Taliban visitors complimentary polishing services for their weaponry. During her husband’s administration, the D.P.W. has expanded its services, doubling as a massage parlor “Rub-&-Tug,” with the mayor appointing his wife as chief safety officer, running the department from behind her desk at the Forsyth Park city zoo. The Afghani warriors glared back at her, concurring among themselves that she would make excellent flogging practice, once the existing leadership is flayed alive in front of their children.
Finally arriving at their destination, the parade uluated in glee, as Ulster County Executive Ryan K. Patrick descended from his Great Glass Elevator at the Menagerie Office Building on Fair Street, to receive his honorary Mujahideen award from the Taliban, for being a loyal enemy of the Great Satan, America. “Alhamdulillah!” proclaimed the turbaned Afghani delegation, which means “I throw a dung-stained shoe in your general direction.” Patrick earned his trophy for hard work disarming the population despite Constitutional restrictions; along with his efforts at mass extermination through mandatory “experimental vaccines.” Gazing up at the tall steel skyscraper, the rebels noted how it was the perfect height to toss infidels down from, hurling Sharia lawbreakers to their deaths. “This place is so un-Islamic, I can almost smell the Vaseline [™] from outside the building,” Mr. Sububi said.
In a surprise gesture of consolation, the group proceeded further along the block to Congressman Antonio Del Gusano’s office, to offer a runner-up ribbon for extraordinary treason, treachery & traitorousness towards America. “When Rep. Del Gusano brought Sloppy Joe Biden to speak at the Senate House Garage, that was the first step towards America’s downfall,” Abu bin Jihadi recalled. “The rest is history.” Later, they all swung around the corner to Assemblyman Kevin Cohone’s office, at the Governor Clinton Hotel, in order to raid his harem for marriageable female concubines. “I’m gonna break this one in, harder than my first yak,” one of the Afghanis said of the receptionist.
Despite their religious intolerance & homophobia, local left-wing activists gave their grudging approval. “They’re not as swarthy as we would’ve liked, but any enemy of the United States is a friend to the liberal elite,'' observed Callou McDoodle, comandante of Up-Yours Kingston!, a not-for-profit “activist” group completely funded by reclusive billionaire Peter Buffaloon. “ممکن است خورشید تنظیم سایه های بسیار طولانی تا بخش خلفی از جسد فاسد خود را,” agreed the Taliban.
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