it's ok to have things you keep private. Like how occasionally i like to remember how it felt to be in your arms (this is such mediocre writing right here but let me get to it. maybe i am full of shit and that is why the writing is mediocre? we have to allow for the potential existence of every possibility, and me being full of shit is one of them. me being real and having 85 layers of bullshit and 13 layers of conditioning to dig through before i can get to the really fine words is another...)
but it is. it's one of those small joys in which to indulge when i am otherwise indisposed with a migraine. because it's recall those feelings, recall not with my mind but with my body, or throw myself at the throbbing in my left temple. i prefer to redirect the throbbing to my core and reinforce the sensory memories of those dances while the energy works its way to the ends of my nerves.
or before i sleep. i wouldn't want to give the impression that this indulgence is something only to be used as a way to pass the time and pain, it's not something to be used as a distraction... but it's actually something to be enjoyed on its own. i don't need to be suffering to recall. how. it. felt.
perhaps thinking about how to describe it can lead to some suffering. because what i want to write is about how after one set we barely separated, lingered until the start of the next set, and we had many consecutive tandas this way, and how it's something very rare in my life indeed. But then I wonder about the tandas you danced with other dancers, were they followed by other tandas or other dancers? was my iteration not unique? and finally i recall that i didn't pay much attention to your behavior outside of the universe we inhabited moment to moment so for any worry on this front there is no reason or observation to provide proof, neither for nor against. and i go back to enjoying the sensual recall. In the end, all we really have is how we feel? our thoughts are subject to language and processing and patterns and programming and projection and lies. but the feelings are the source data.