In preparation for my inner work, I always consecrate my session to something which needs transformation.
As always, I light up a candle and a sandalwood stick, turn on relaxing music and let myself sink into a deep resting state while mixing my beautiful oracle cards:
~The private lessons of your Soul.~
I ask my inner being to show me what needs my attention, what is it that I will consecrate this upcoming play to?
Directly the card falls out, I turn it and read: ABUNDANCE.
🦋 I press this beautiful card onto my heart and breath deeply.
I connect with the feeling of abundance.
I remember how much I already have and how much I am still to receive.
From here I let myself be guided. I rest in knowing that anything can happen and that is ok. I follow every impulse.
I move the card onto my belly and focus on breathing through my Yoni up to my heart.
As if the vibration of this card blends with my second chakra’s energy I feel deep gratitude.
Tears roll over my face already.
For a moment I stay in this feeling awaiting the next impulse.
I move the card in between my legs.
I press it onto my Yoni. Electric shocks start to shake my body as if I just opened the portal to this magnificent energy of wellbeing, no worries, relaxation, and all other things that abundance represents for me.
🦋 I look at myself in the mirror in front of me and start to speak loving words to my body, to my Yoni. She is the portal between spiritual and physical. She translates the vibrations from the Source into manifestation in my reality. The energy residing within the area of the root and second chakra is the Life force, often kept suppressed for most of our lives.
The appearance of abundance in our life is directly connected to the degree of the free flow of this energy and how we work with it.
With my breath, I guide this energy
After some while spent in this loving state I feel the urge of my body to move. I choose different music to support spontaneous movement. The energy is spreading and I dive deeper into the inner sea while sensually dancing and stroking my body. Noises start to come out of my throat, subtle at first. Emotions rise. I cry a bit and keep moving, keep looking for what is there. Hidden deep in the darkness, forgotten, unseen.
Anger emerges. I don’t know why I feel this angry but I am not looking for the answers. I just let this force come and spread till it starts to take me over. I let go of control and the anger fills my body. I feel like a pressure cooker.
I can’t hold it within anymore and start to shout and scream.
As if the anger feels encouraged by this freedom of expression it grows even more.
🦋 I jump onto my bed and beat the pillow with my fists. I scream so loud that I feel the need to hide my face in the pillows even though I live in the forest and no one can hear me. I get overwhelmed by the power of my voice expressing such madness. My throat hurts, I can’t scream any louder. But the anger in me doesn’t care at all. It seeks any way to get out. I shout. Ugly, angry, bad words. Like a madwoman, like a witch set on fire I curse. As if the devil himself is coming through. Wheezing and cursing.
I can’t express it with my voice anymore so
I keep on hitting my bed and moving my body.
At this point, I already look at this identity from a distance. It is just another being, not me, but a woman I do not know, I do not recognize. I don’t feel like being here yet I feel her power within me.
The craziest words she is screaming.
In her rage, she roars like a lioness and I hear her “fuck me! fuck me!”. My body curls and I feel this deep longing in my loins to be penetrated by a strong masculine force. To be ravished. Conquered. Tamed.
🦋 Then my consciousness takes over and starts to ask: “Why are you so angry. What is it that you need? Why do you want to be fucked like this?” Directly this strong angry voice sounds in my head: “Because then they are bound to me! Then they will not leave me! I will not be alone!”
I keep on moving my body and this energy starts to weaken. Tears flow over my cheeks. I fall into sadness.
The emotions of loneliness rise. I remember my father leaving when I was born.
I remember the feeling of powerlessness and desperation.
I remember how I always wanted him to see me, to love me, to agree with me being here.
I cry so much. It emerges from the depths I couldn’t even imagine.
I hear a loving voice in my head speaking the words of love I so much wanted to hear as a little girl.
My whole body is shaking.
No anger anymore, just despair.
And innerstanding.
Then relief.
🦋 I can see now how so many women are taken over by this energy, playing out as Fury or Slut in daily life. Just because of hidden despair to be seen, to be loved, to be held and protected.
It is not about sex at all. It is about acceptance. About worship.
About everything in between.
I hold this little girl. She is so vulnerable.
So unprotected. So tired. Especially tired of the pain and anger. I hold her and love her till she lets go.
I feel deep appreciation for her to show up like this; raw and honest. No games, no hide and seek.
Just a fucking, dirty honesty. Yep. That sounds exactly like me.
Now she is seen and heard. Now there is nothing left to be said or done. She just IS.
It’s a new day in the depths of my being and the sun comes up. I smile and get up.
I cry tears of appreciation and gratitude.
I look into my eyes in the mirror and feel really happy.
My energy is amazing. I feel invincible.
Art by Louis Royo
https://instagram.com/luisroyoofficial?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
🦋 Then I remember my consecration.
To abundance. Wow. I just changed my life once again.
And the Fury inside me feels spacious.
She is tamed, she is satisfied. She is seen and accepted.
She IS.
~Nika 🦋
