We all know that tantrums are part of a child's normal development , but ... Do we all know what to do about them? Where are the limits if there are limits? To what extent is it normal? - You ask me many.
The tantrums, yes, I know ... Do not even pay attention. That's what they told you, right? I have heard that too, But after living it twice in my own skin, the "not paying attention to them" was absolutely insufficient. It's not that I did not count to 10, it's that I counted "to infinity and beyond", well this experience was with my little cousin.
The alarm goes off, it's already Monday. In less than 5 seconds you are already running. At that time, My little cousin, is a turtle with three legs. Quick shower, I dress, a little mascara, l wake up the children, with a little kiss, yes; I see them (or I help them dress, rather) and when everything seems to go smoothly, wow! Without noticing and in tenths of a second, everything goes wrong and the child has a tantrum.
I get this on one hand
And this on the other hand
I look at the clock, I do a quick calculation and I think "I can not be late for work today". As I evaluate the situation, I see the handcuffs on the table, the breakfast cup on the floor, his t-shirt disgusted, my white shirt suddenly illustrated with a nice painting. Horror! "It just had to be today!" Well yes. At the most inopportune and unexpected moment, the children bundle it.
And why do they do it? Although it is not comfort when parents go to the clinic in despair, it is important to note that it is a normal phase of development that most children spend between 2-4 years.
At these ages they begin to define their character (something that is wonderful), they begin to make their own decisions (which is also fantastic), they begin to have their preferences ... in short, they begin to be little people forging their individuality . I insist, it is very positive that this occurs. I am very concerned about children who reach 4 years of age without having had a tantrum or having never shown their temperament.
There are two types of tantrums that I consider important to differentiate since the way of acting will be different:
1.Your child announces that "he/she is going to ride". The child begins to negotiate with you, to challenge you, to threaten you. Yes Yes. It threatens you. And he does so with full awareness of what he is doing.
"If you do not give me the ice cream I will throw everything that is on the table" - he says looking at you shamelessly.
Is it possible that the 3-year-old "mouse" is challenging me? If possible. It is evident that he is giving you a pulse. Here there is no negotiation that is worth it .
Take out the actress in you and with the best of your smiles you will say: "I know you love ice cream, honey. But now let's eat. So sit down at the table with the rest of the family and if we eat it all, we'll have all ice cream for dessert. If on the contrary you throw everything on the table to the ground, you will be punished in your room. "
First:We do not use the same tone she has used, if not the opposite. Remember that we are adults, we have all the emotional and cultural resources to handle situations much more complex than this.
Second:We are clearly telling him that you will NOT have ice cream now.
Third:We are giving you an alternative . We give you the possibility to choose between behaving well, eating with everyone and enjoying ice cream in company; or behaving badly and receiving the appropriate punishment.
If he goes to the end, obviously, he will be punished to his room (no shouting, no dramas on your part Remember: you are the adult) and when he leaves he will pick up everything he has thrown away (we hold him responsible for his actions). We have put some clear limits.
She will be sure to pick a better option
2.The second type of tantrum are the ones that catch us by surprise.
The time for dinner arrives. On days when there is white rice I used to add tomato sauce; My cousin loved it. Well, like every day, naive of me, I'm going to add the spoonful of tomato sauce on the rice and ... what's my surprise?
-Noooooo- start screaming like a madman. He slaps the plate while I stun I think: But what happens? Is he posessed.
"I do not want tomato today!"
"Jeez man, just today?? I did not have the crystal ball on hand!! how was I to know, yes I was wrong and I was supposed to ask! But now we have tomato thrown all over the place- I feel disappointed.
Yes, they are exaggerated, disproportionate , sometimes violent reactions . The same thing can happen (and will happen to you) in the supermarket, in the queue of the cinema, in the middle of the street ... anywhere.
What can we do in this second case? Do not try to negotiate, do not threaten to punish him, do not enter his game, or yell at him. Do not lose the papers too. In those minutes the child is not capable of anything other than shouting. If there is a danger of harm, remove everything that can harm him, get off the chair if you are sitting and make sure nothing can happen to him. Try to reassure him, crouch at his height and caress him.
Children respond quickly to physical contact with their parents. The moment you are a little calmer you can say:
"Honey, I did not know you did not want tomatoes today; quiet. Next time you say "mama, I do not want tomato" and fixed. Now between the two of us we are going to pick up.
If you continue with the same hysteria, calm down, count to 10 and leave him alone for a while. He will come to look for you. If you come looking for a caress, do not deny it and take advantage of the situation to explain what you have done wrong and find the solution.
And what about the whip in the ass ? No. Always avoid them. After pasting our son we end up with any other resource of education, negotiation and learning. What's after that? Nothing. And besides, it's no use. The only thing we will achieve is that it generates fear (harmful for a child) or that he, by imitation, hits or abuses us with other children and in other circumstances (as my mom hits me, I hit).
What can we do to avoid tantrums?
- Do not live it as something dramatic and exhausting in the upbringing of your children. Understand it as an opportunity to continue educating. Maybe giving him a whip and locking him in the room before you finish, but that does not mean it's better for you or your development.
-Haddle quietly, listen to him.
-Power that expresses your wishes . From very young we must give them the ability to choose (What shirt do you prefer today: blue or white?), Ask if what you give him likes or not, offer alternatives.
-There are things that are non-negotiable : the scissors cut, the plugs burn ... and there you must be sharp. But do not fill your life with excessive limits and strict norms.
- Put yourself in his place and do not demand him to behave like an adult.
-Finally be flexible.
Children, have better days and worse days. They also have bad hours. Do not pretend that after having accompanied the supermarket, endured the tail of the fish shop, the butcher shop, and the conversation with your neighbor, come home, dine like a little man and go alone to sleep with a smile from ear to ear. Be understanding and ... if a storm is coming: "Breathe, you will be a mother all your life.
