Dear Dole recipients. There has been some bad press regarding @Centerlink and its treatment of customers in the press lately. Today we received the following open letter from a satisfied customer Mr Darrel Somers:
Dear @Centerlink,
Me is a happy man today. Me is thinking that I might right youse a letter for thanks. I got me another letter from the postman guy the other day and he said that you gave me lots of mooulaaa cause I took me kids to the doctor. Somthink about jabs or drugs or sometink. I has never been paid for makin me kids take drugs until now. I never get paid when I am doin the drugs. Anyway, hows it going cobber!
I hope you are real pleased to get this letter cause I had to take some time off Battlefield 1 to get it done. I serve me country everyday and I hope you fink I’m good cause I wrote this.
All of that coinage you sent me means that I can now marry Jazzie me cousin. We been datin for lotsa years and now I can put a ring on it. She is the noicest girl around. She gets me cans from the fridge when I’m savin the world and cooks me savs when I need to eat em.
Me and Jazzie’s two kids have been real sick lately and that’s why I went to see the quack. He told me it was sompin to do with jeans but I don’t wear jeans so I dunna what that knob is on about. Anyway, lucky I took em cause now I am cashed up thanks to youse buggers.
Now me and Jazzie are getting hitched I fort I might tell you where we gettin it done. I found a real noice place down out the back of me little town. Theres a few ponds and some real nice green grass for marrying on. Me mate called it the ‘treatment plant’ and I said good cause I am gunna be treatin her real good, if ya know what I mean.
Now me best man’s name is Barry, or ‘Sarge the buggerer’ on Battefield. He is the coolest dude in town. Once he wrestled two goats at a time on the main drag, just cause he could and he didn’t spill any VB when he was doin the wrestling either. He has lotsa chicks chasin him all the time. They must keep wantin him to call em, sumthin bout STD’s. They must live far away.
We gunna have heaps a good tucker at the weddin. Me mum is a real good cook. She makes lots of good things like pavlova and lamingtons. She boils savs real good too and I buyed a coupla chooks from the farmer yesterday. They are gunna carry me rings at the weddin and then we gunna kill em and cook em and eat em. Shoud be tasty, ive been feedinem up on lotsa tasty fings. They really like me cutoff toenails and earwax. They are getting real fat from all the dog food too. Me missus even fed em her pubes from when she waxed down there. They gunna be yum.
Fanks for givin me that special money pension fing when I went an stuffed me foot. Remember, I was diggin a hole inme backyard for Dude me dog. He was gettin old and deaf and wouldn listen to me anymore. So I fought I would feed him some led. But I shot meself in the leg and then while I was drggin meself to the car, Dude started chewin on me leg. The quacks then put me to sleep and cut me foot off with a chainsaw. Now im called Limpy, well that’s what me missus calls me anyway, I fink its cause I got no foot.
Today I gotta nuffa special surprise and joined the Bludgers club. I got me a union now so youse better keep your shit work for the dole and ringin wankers for jobs to ya self. If I have to go and look for anuva job then I am sicken me union on ya.
Anyhoo, me special surprise to youse is that I wanna have you cum to me weddin. We’ll have a real special seat for ya up the front real close to the ponds. Youse have been so good to me. Sendin me monies to keep me livin, keepin me grog fridge filled and keepin’ the missus in good thongs….. I dunno what Id do without ya.
Well I gotta go, Sarge the buggerer is callin for some me time. Hope youse ull all come and watch me get hitched. See yas all there.
Heres a piccie of us for the wank bank!
Luv yas…..
Dazza