It has been a while since I have had to do any background checks, and to be honest, it’s because the government cut the funding to my department lackies. Who knew you weren’t allowed to have 14 year old kids work for you anymore.
Anyhow, I am back with a vengeance as I see there have been an explosion in people receiving dole payments since I last looked so it’s time for the auditing to begin.
@Juicy-Shark
After trolling through the various pages of #TeamAustralia members I found our first candidate for a new background check, a dodgy dude by the name of @Juicy-Shark. After wondering about his name for a while I sent my new investigators (all of legal age) in to start digging up some dirt on this guy and boy did they find some ‘Juicy’ stuff.
From a young age @Juicy-Shark had a troubled childhood. We discovered that @Juicy-Shark was a childhood doll demoniser! That's right, he would often kick, undress and dismember poor dolls. Once one jumped out from the darkness to scare him during the night, and without batting an eyeball, @Juicy-Shark whipped out his little sword and smacked that poor doll down the stairs…..
Things just didn’t get much better later in life. As @Juicy-Shark grew older, he started to dabble in the dark arts of ‘Greenery cooking’. Hash-browns were his favourite but little did he know, they were also a favourite of his extended family and friends and after a night of ‘munching out on the has browns’ his unwitting family and friends found themselves with the ‘munchies’ of a different kind!
More investigation has also found that @Juicy-Shark once slept in his own vomit and that of another close relative. After a night of drinking and fornicating with his cousin (the fornication part cannot be confirmed or denied) he was found alive and breathing making star-angels in his and his cousins own vomit.
But the worst story I have kept for last. @Juicy-Shark is also a well-known rent dodger which is why he was first on our list to audit. Once, after failing to pay the rent he was ejected from a house. The new tenants arrived in the vacated house to an awful smell, only to later realise that @Juicy-Shark and his boy-band had pulled up the carpet, ceremoniously left behind some kids (not at the pool) and then carefully replaced the carpet to its original state. Needless to say, it gave a new meaning to ‘Man that shit stinks’……..
After scoping high and low and drilling holes in his bathroom door ‘for the investigation’ we found no real evidence to eject @Juicy-Shark from the dole. Other than being close to his cousin and getting his family stoned, he is just your typical steemit bludger who needs his daily dole payments to keep cooking his hash-browns.
But be warned @Juicy-Shark, we are watching, always watching (and sometimes peeping).
@Juicy-shark - another @Centerlink success story
